Update - 4 month anniversary

It's just over 4 months since my husband and I separated.  I thought an update might be good.  I haven't blogged for about 3 weeks now, about this.

Mainly because it has felt like not much has changed, though I'm sure it has.  I'm still having my therapy sessions, which I have found uplifting and have an extremely positive impact on my life.  I've been practising relaxations and visualising my 'safe place' lately.

My husband is still going to his abuse course, though I have told him that I am no longer willing to discuss everything that they raise on the course.  In fact, nothing that they raise on the course.  He was using those discussions as a way to beat me with his opinions over and over again and he actually wasn't interested at all in hearing my point of view.  As I then felt like crap I decided that this was no longer going to be happening.

I'm just carrying on with life as usual.  I'm seeing friends, enjoying having me time, enjoying making my home more homely and doing things I couldn't do before.  I'm having fun.  I've also moved from acute fear, anxiety and grief into just general disappointment about my marriage.  I am just disappointed in him and everything that has happened.  Because I thought it would be different, so I guess it's natural to be disappointed.  Disappointed I can live with much easier than acute grief so I'm guessing this is steps forward!  :-D

I'm also starting to wonder if/how we will be able to form some kind of relationship so that we can parent the children.  Obviously we'll need to have discussions, we'll probably have disagreements and so on.  So how we will resolve them I don't know.  I don't want us to be like two different families, for the children.  It would be nice to be able to be 'grown up' about it - to get together and do things together sometimes, to discuss issues or problems as they arise.  Whether this is possible in the context of a formerly abusive relationship I just don't know.

--
When I think back to how I was feeling four months ago I am so relieved that the early days of the separation are over.  It's odd to be on an even keel so I sometimes feel deflated strangely.  I'm used to intense highs and lows and not much 'on the level' so it feels odd.  I'm getting used to it.

Mainly, I'm much happier and looking forward to a more positive future.

Pre-therapy email to my new counsellor

She asked me to email her with information about what I am wanting to achieve through counselling, what I am going to counselling for.  I'd already emailed her some background information.  I struggled to figure this out, but had to email something so this is what I wrote:

The situation at the moment is that my husband and I have been separated for about two-and-a-half months.  We would have been together for fifteen years this year.  I would say that we are separated at the moment, but that no definite decision has been made (by me) about whether or not our relationship will continue.  I am waiting to see how things go on his abuser programme, and in the mean time I am trying to get on with my life.  I suppose this puts me slightly in limbo, in that it's not definitely finished or continuing, but as far as I can see this is for the best at the moment - for me. 

I feel like I've been through the shock and grief and sorrow during the first couple of months.  I honestly didn't know what was going on in our relationship - I knew we had major issues and problems that we could never get over, no matter what I did, but realising that *the* major issue was that my husband's behaviour was abusive was a big shock.  I felt a lot of anger, mixed in with pure sorrow and grief.  It might sound ridiculous that I wouldn't have known - especially considering there were 3 incidents of physical/sexual violence, but the vast majority of it was emotional abuse which was much more difficult to identify.   

So, I've been trying to unravel the truth I suppose.  One of the major problems was my husband's insistence that I was a person that I just didn't recognise as myself.  He said I was lazy, selfish, sarcastic, condescending etc and that I had some kind of 'warped' idea of myself as some kind of angel.  Obviously I just knew that what he said wasn't true.  Nobody else said those things and I have quite a lot of friends and acquaintances.  He said that they didn't live with me so didn't know the truth.  Combined with all the other crazy making stuff - him minimising things I felt, denying things he'd said or done, telling me I was misunderstanding things, re-defining my emotions and intentions into negative ones etc etc.  I was, during the last few years, struggling to understand whether my perceptions were just plain wrong.  I wondered how other people viewed me, because I obviously had such an incorrect picture of the kind of person that I was.   

However, through all this, there was a small part of me that just knew the truth and couldn't be persuaded.  He had even resorted to telling me that I hadn't 'gotten over' my childhood (pretty crap) and I just didn't know it.  That my childhood *was* what the problem was in our relationship.  That it had given me no idea of what a healthy relationship was.  He was telling me all the time that I was still effected by all this stuff and twisted around things I'd said to illustrate this fact.  I started to doubt myself and wonder if I just was majorly in denial and unable to recognise all these faults and issues in myself.  I almost had a breakdown about a year ago due to this.  I managed to pull myself back.  Obviously childhood issues can impact hugely, but I've talked and thought a lot about everything that happened during my childhood and I feel actually OK about it.  I can't change it and I don't feel like it's a big part of my life now - I have talked endlessly with my sister about everything and just feel OK.  I don't know how else to describe it, really.  I now believe this was another way my husband was trying to undermine my self-perception and ultimately blame me for everything wrong in our marriage. 

I suppose one thing stops me from just ending the relationship completely.  That is that my husband (and two of our children) have Asperger's Syndrome.  I know from experience how rigid this makes his thinking and how incredibly difficult it is for him to process new information and change his mind about something he has decided.  I know that his father was emotionally abusive, and his mother (with Asperger traits too) decided that some things (money, security) were more important than others (love, fidelity, honesty).  I honestly think that growing up with Asperger's Syndrome in this household that he became hard-wired to believe that this was a healthy and normal relationship.  I suppose in a way I can't blame him for his behaviour as much as I would someone without Asperger's?  Maybe that's a ridiculous thing to think... I don't know. 

Obviously I have to draw the line somewhere, and if it ends up that he just can't change his core values and attitudes then that will be the end because I don't want to repeat the same mistakes with our children. 

So, goals for counselling.  I suppose I want to get to a point where I believe my own perceptions, where I trust myself.  There is a small part of me that does, but a larger part that seeks approval and confirmation from those around me.  I was never like that before I was with my husband, and I want to get back to being the person I really am.  The confident, laid-back, fun person - yes, maybe with heaps of issues, but generally OK and happy.  I've lost that along the way.  I've become serious, anxious and doubtful.  My children don't know the real me really, because it's been covered for so long and that makes me feel incredibly sad. 

I would also like to be confident in my ability to be on my own, and to be able to provide for myself and my family and not to worry so much about that. 

I'm sure there are lots of other things, and apologies if I have rambled on for ages and not said much that is what you wanted or can be used! 

I look forward to talking to you tomorrow

Family time

It's so difficult knowing whether it is good for the kids for us all to spend time together 'as a family'.  dh, me and the kids.  Or do they get the wrong idea, get confused, get their hopes up or what?

As with most other decisions now, I'm just having to go with my gut instinct and hope for the best.  So we all went and had a day at the park/forest on Saturday.  The kids played in the park, we had a picnic lunch, we walked in the woods afterwards and then we came home.  I came home, the kids and dh went to his place.  It was nice spending time together, but there were times when I just wanted to come home... just because I guess it was a constant low-level stress.  Stress of uncertainty and worry I suppose.

While the kids played in the park we sat on a bench with a coffee and talked.  As usual, something arose that we disagreed on.  Unusually, he said that he knew his viewpoint was wrong and abusive and he asked me some questions.

He seems to spend a lot of time thinking of hypothetical situations that he might find himself in with me (that have maybe happened before or have happened to other couples) and tries to figure out how he should respond in that situation.

e.g.  We discussed a friend of ours who is also in an emotionally abusive marriage.  She received an unsolicited drunken email out of the blue from a male acquaintance asking to 'meet up sometime'.  Her husband was secretly checking her emails and went crazy, accused her of all sorts of things, threw and broke the computer etc.  Dh said that he can't imagine that in the same situation he would act any differently.  He said that he'd wonder 'what has my wife done so that this man thinks it's ok to send this email'.  Now I said that anger should be directed at the man who sent the email, not the wife.

Huh.

Sorry, mid-post I just remembered something that happened between us about 9 months- a year ago.  My dh got a test message from his best friend's wife asking if he wanted to have sex with a woman they both know.  I was really upset about this.  I was really upset with his best friend's wife for sending it, but also with my husband and I believe I said to him "what have you done so that X (best friend's wife) thinks it's OK to send this text?".

This sort of thing always happened.  He has an amazing capacity to store phrases or actions for a long time and then throw them back at me in this way.  I will have to email him about that.

Now I get to thinking... am I being hypocritical here?  Thinking my friend's husband was being unfair blaming his wife, when I kind of blamed my husband a bit?

I suppose the situation was different - my friend was emailed by an acquaintance she'd met once so I would assume that he doesn't particularly know her.  My friend's husband went crazy, yelling, vile accusations, intimidating her.

In our situation the person texting was someone who'd known my husband for a number of years.  I was just very hurt.  It turns out she'd apparently sent the text to dh accidentally (not sure if I believe that) and so the matter was dropped and I haven't really thought about it since.... Interesting.

Anyway, back to the 'family time'.  I suppose this sort of focus on abuse and getting over it, which is the focus of our relationship at the moment, is kind of draining.  And though I enjoy spending time together as a family, I worry about how the kids are perceiving it all.

So - will we do it again.  Yes, I think we probably will.  Bearing in mind that long term the plan is to resume our relationship if I am convinced he will no longer be abusive, then I believe it is right to maintain some sort of family time together.

Ownership, jealousy, possessiveness continued...

DH:

You are right, it is down to ownership and other things that cause jealousy, not you. I will take a while I think to resolve it in my head, yes I too hope the jealousy part comes soon.

Yes there are plenty of other examples of my jealousy like thinking crazy stuff about D, but I look at that as me being totally wrong and paranoid. There are other things I have seen or assumed to have happened that I think i would find inappropriate then and now. So I question on a few levels; is it just my jealous mind skewing everything or are there occasions where you may have flirted but it shouldn't be a problem or you can understand I may have felt hurt and wouldn't act like that now. We have discussed this stuff before and I understand it is not good for you to 'defend' your actions or inactions all the time, it is specific incidents that i will discuss in group and maybe we can see if I change after looking at my beliefs and values, at the moment I can't see that resolving the problems I have though.

ME:

Well, we have to hope that it does work. There may have been things I have done (innocently) that are hurtful and I am not bothered either way that I would have ordinarily said "oh I won't do that if you find it upsetting" but in the context of this abusive relationship that isn't appropriate to discuss now, because it isnt an ordinary relationship.  There is so much more going on. Whatever ways I would have or have changed my behaviour (which generally you wouldn't have to do when your behaviour is actually ok) has never been enough.  For example this dancing or J. Yes, you might have thought that then but since then you have come to know me better, we havd been committed to each other, we have children together, I have proven my trustworthiness a million times.  Therefore to still want to discuss these things is totally unacceptable and needs to be changed.

DH:

Thanks for being understanding. I feel I need to look at my value and belief system and question it with the group/ on my own, I need to change for us and as I said before myself.

--
I do feel that he is trying.  He is obviously spending a lot of time thinking about his values and viewpoints, and challenging them.

I was thinking, for me, that I didn't want any part of this.  That I needed him to go through it on his own but I'm actually feeling now that I do want to know how things are progressing and to see with my own eyes his thought processes.

I believe that he is being honest and is genuinely thinking about all these things rather than 'talking the talk'.  Again, only time will tell for sure.

Yesterday we had a doctor's appointment for our son and afterwards we talked a little about the abuser programme and some of the things my husband is thinking a lot about.  Particularly he was discussing blame, it was interesting to hear what he had to say in light of my new-found knowledge.  I think it's worthy of another post though!

What I'm up to right now

So, I have had a really fantastic 8 days.  I've been feeling up-beat and positive.  I've had a couple of times of feeling what I would call 'flat' but have come easily out of it.  The hardest times are when I'm on my own, but there is so much stuff I want to do when I have time to myself that it doesn't last very long.  It's over a month now since we separated. 

I have booked myself onto a course to become a professional face painter!  Yay!  Such a great, flexible job that I can do around the family (and with them if necessary).  And I really enjoy face painting too.  So, in the next two months I'll be fully qualified and ready to paint. 

I've sent in my financial forms and am signed up for my next university courses, both of which I'm excited about (doing them by distance learning so fit round the family too).

All my money and benefits are sorted out now, and it looks like I'll be OK.  No lavish lifestyle, but rent and bills paid and money for a few little extras too.

I have bought a new car!  (well, old car but new to me)  One that will be loads cheaper to run, and is cute too!  I love it :-D

I'm still moving stuff round the house and getting the house how I want it.

I'm enjoying beyond all expectations being free in my own home.  Living without judgement or disapproval.  I am just absolutely loving this.  At no time am I bored of my freedom.  It is joyful.

My husband has attended three sessions now of his abuser group.  I haven't spoken  in depth to him about it, but have a little.  It sounds to me like he is at the moment getting something from it and learning about himself.  Of course it remains to be seen if this continues and if it is long lasting.  But I'm happy for him.

I have come to the realisation that there is no possible way that I can live with my husband again - no matter how much he changes.  I don't think I will ever be able to truly believe that the changes are forever.  I cannot put my children in the position of one of these yo-yo relationships where we 'try again' then separate, then try again, then separate etc etc.  I just won't do that.  That is probably the most harmful of all scenarios.

This realisation is both sad, and freeing.  I almost feel I have become much more objective as a result of this.  I don't feel any pressure, or any wondering about whether or not things are working out, how we are communicating, if there is anything I could or should be doing and on and on and on.

I do occasionally wonder if it would be possible to have a relationship with him where we don't live together.  I used to imagine that the perfect living arrangement would be for us to be next door neighbours.  Close enough to see each other as a family often, but not living together.  As the issue is control and the main driver is jealousy (jealousy of me with other people, me being happy, me being organised, me doing well - just jealousy of everything) I am not sure whether this will ever be desirable or possible.  At the moment I'm just letting go of 'us' so focussing on this isn't really helpful.

All in all, I feel very positive and happy.  I am positive about the future in every way.  About money, my dreams, my lifestyle, my children.  Things are looking good and working out.  If I think about how my life would be right now if he had stayed.... well, it sends a shiver down my spine.  I know I've done the right thing.

Good day today.

Today was a good day.  I was out and about, with my eldest daughter.  We saw family (my mum, sister and brother along with brother's family).  We had a meal, went to the theatre then had coffee afterwards.  It was lovely and took my mind off everything that has happened.

We went to see 'Wicked' which was fantastic, and the song 'Defying Gravity' really struck a chord with me.  Lyrics:

GLINDA:(spoken)

Elphaba, why couldn't you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle!

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy now!

(sung)I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever,

I hope you think you're clever! 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy, too.

(sung)I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition. 

BOTH:(sung)

So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy, right now! 

GLINDA: (spoken)

Elphie, listen to me! Just, say you're sorry.

(sung)

You can still be with the Wizard, what you've worked and waited for. You can't have all you ever wanted! 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

I know.

(sung)

And I don't want it.

(spoken)

No,

(sung)

I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second-guessing.

Too late to go back to sleep!

It's time to trust my instincts.

Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity.

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down! 

GLINDA: (sung)

Can't I make you understand.

You're having delusions of grandeur! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

I'm through accepting limits,

'Cuz someone says they're so!

Some things I cannot change,

but 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

losing love, I guess I've lost!

Well, if that's love, it comes at much to high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye!

I'm defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

(spoken)

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do. Together,

(sung)

Unlimited. Together we're unlimited. Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been.

Glinda, dreams the way we planned 'em. 

GLINDA: (sung)

If we work in tandem: 

BOTH: (sung)

There's no fight we cannot win.

Just you and I defying gravity!

With you and I, defying gravity, 

ELPHABA:(sung)

They'll never bring us down.

(spoken)

Well, are you coming? 

GLINDA:(sung)

I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this. 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

You too.

(sung)

I hope it brings you bliss, 

BOTH: (sung)

I really hope you get it,

And you don't live to regret it!

I hope you're happy in the end!

I hope you're happy, my friend! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo,

At least I'm flying free.

To those who ground me,

Take a message back from me:

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity!

I'm flying high,

Defying gravity!

And soon I'll match them in renown.

And nobody in, all of Oz.

No Wizard that there is or was.

Is ever gonna bring me down! 

GLINDA: 

I hope you're happy! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

Look at her, she's wicked!

(shouted)

Get her! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Bring me down! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

No one mourns the wicked! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Bring me down! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

So we've got to bring her 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Aaahhhhhhh! 

CITIZENS OF OZ:(sung)

Down!

How my day looks at the moment

I've noticed a general emotional pattern.  I tend to wake up feeling positive and relatively hopeful.  Then around mid-afternoon I start to go downhill.  An overall feeling of sadness and aloneness starts to descend.  It probably peaks very early evening and then by evening I'm feeling somewhere between the two.

I don't know if this relates directly to the fact that I would have always been on my own with the children up til around tea time when dh would come home.  So maybe I'm just missing his company and banter in the teatime-to-bedtime hours.

Then in the evening I am enjoying a bit of me-time when the children wouldn't normally be around anyway, and feel quite cheerful.

This weekend I've been generally down and I think it's because I'm not yet adjusted to not having any/all of the children around at the weekends.  I'm missing them, missing dh, missing weekend family life.

Like everything else it is complex.  I miss them all, but I am enjoying the novelty of some time to myself.  I miss dh but I'm starting to enjoy the freedom from disapproval and low-level anxiety that was a constant feature.  I am happy to be in control of finances and know exactly how much is going in or out, and feeling as though any spending on myself needs to be justified for some reason.... but I'm worried about how I'm going to manage.  Etc etc.

There seems to be no uncomplicated emotional reaction to anything.  Everything seems complex and difficult, and I have conflicting feelings about nearly everything.

Whose fault is it anyway?

Dh popped by the children's club today.  We were together for over an hour watching them take part. 

He obviously wanted to talk, or to reconnect, to reassure himself all is not totally lost.  You may find this bizarre after reading of things that have happened.

He has been talking to his mum daily over the last ten days, telling her about the abuse.  She was disbelieving at first but as he is explaining exactly what he has done (well, probably not *exactly* but as near as he can bear) they are discussing a lot about dh' dad.  Apparently everything dh says he was like, she says 'your dad did that'.  His mum and dad divorced when dh was around 17 years old. 

I think they are on a little journey of discovery together.  Dh plans to send her The Book to read (it is very validating and clarifying for anyone who has been abused) but as she's about to have a major operation, he is going to wait for a couple of months.

Naturally, she has now started to blame herself for not leaving or doing something about it earlier.  Apparently the evidence does clearly show that the single most dominating factor in whether men become verbally or emotionally (or physically maybe) abusive is that their father was abusive in this way. 

Questions running through my mind now:

• Is DH trying to pin the blame on his mum or dad, rather than take responsibility for his own actions?
• If so... well, is that all wrong? 
• Or is he totally to blame? 
• What does this mean for our children? 
• Are they destined to continue this cycle?
• How can I break it? 
• Is it too late?
• Will Dh actually change if all he is doing is transferring blame for his behaviour from me to his parents?

As you can see, confusion still reigns supreme.  I am not sure how to even respond to these discussions.  It will be a while before I can truly sense my gut reactions, I guess, and probably even longer til I can trust and believe them.

Another thing today was that DH asserted that he did (abuse) the same as his dad but 'not as badly'.  Again, I don't know because I wasn't there and don't know his dad very well.  But, this sounds like slipping back into minimising his behaviour to me....  Again, didn't know how to respond so just looked at him.

Then he said that The Book laid 'everything' out really clearly and practically... though 'harshly'.  Then he looked at me and I replied 'no, realistically' and he shrugged.

These little exchanges and conversations keep confusing me a little, because I'm not sure how to respond.  I feel my senses and reactions are still dulled from years of 'keeping the peace' and 'holding my emotions in' because they were too overwhelming for dh. 

And I'm so tired after yet another 5am early wake up of racing thoughts <sigh>

Oh, why is this feeling like such a long road?

The rest of Week 2

Two days after the email exhange about 'the book' and I still hadn't heard anything.  It was the Wednesday. 

I was on my emotional rollercoaster.  One minute feeling quite positive, one minute feeling dreadful and hollow.  The continual contact needed with family (wondering if you are Ok) sometimes helped and sometimes really didn't.  The contact with banks/bills/utilities/landlord/benefits agencies was really something I could have done without at this stage.

The children seem to spend a lot of time watching movies or reading at the moment.  I think it's some basic escapism and something I'm doing too.  The youngest seemed confused about who was living where, and what house we were going to live with and asked lots and lots of questions at this point.  He's only just turned five, so I answered as best as I could.  He didn't seem upset or sad, just confused.

On Wednesday I got a text from him to say he'd been looking for abuser programmes to contact, without much joy and had spoken to a counsellor nearby who wanted to talk to me before seeing if she could recommend anyone.

I phoned her a couple of times at the time she specified but got no answer.  While waiting I decided to go on her website to see what she was about.  She seemed to specialise in 'getting people to address relationship issues caused by childhood problems'.  That wasn't all it said but there was no mention of any 'abuser programmes' so I started to wonder if he was trying to go along the 'it's your fault, you are oversensitive: it's your fault, you haven't dealt with childhood issues' line again.  This is another thing.  I'm not sure of myself!  I am now suspicious, but wonder if I'm over reacting...

I was pondering how to respond to this when I got a text from my husband saying not to bother with that counsellor because he had spoken to somebody from an abuser programme that runs around an hour away (the nearest one) and he is having his initial consultation on the Friday.

I was blown away, because it seems that he's kind of moving in the right direction.  So I felt really emotional then.

I couldn't (and can't) believe how much had happened in ten days.

Day 7 - a busy day

The last day of the first week was a very busy day.  We go to a family group that lasts all day and is exhausting.

I thought we might all want to take a little Time Out from life for a while, but it turns out that what is best for the children is to keep up the usual routine, for them to see their friends and have the reassurance that life has not stopped.

I couldn't face telling twenty people what had happened so I emailed the group to let them know.  This meant that it was very hard seeing more sympathetic faces, and I was on the edge of tears virtually the whole day.  I did end up offloading everything onto one of the other mums.  Told her everything about us in about a 1/2 hour monologue, and I hope she doesn't mind or think I'm crazy now...

The thing is everyone who knows him thinks he's such a friendly, easy going, affable man.  As do I.  But he's not all (or even most) of the time that man.  But, do I want to tell everyone every detail of everything that's happened over our lives?  Now, no.  Not at all.  So then it becomes difficult when people naturally want to know "what happened?".  Because I'm not happy - yet- to admit to most people I know that my husband manipulated, lied and emotionally abused me for all these years.  That he's almost destroyed everything that I thought I knew.

Emotional Abuse.  It seems like a modern made-up name for something not-that-bad.  That's what I'm guessing people think.  If you've lived at the bitter end of it, you know how insidious and destructive it is. 

Anyway, the children again seemed Ok.  A bit more reflective and quiet.  I am trying hard not to take out my upset on them, but sometimes they frustrate me and I feel like the bitch-mother-from-hell.  I have shouted at them a couple of times over the last week, which is the last thing they need.

<I only hoped that week 2 would be better>

Day 6 - Telling the Children

My husband had asked me to tell the children he was working away til he got himself a flat nearby.  My experience before was that when he was on his own he 'broke down and couldn't stop himself telling them' and he made it all a lot more traumatic than necessary.  If you have never seen your dad cry and suddenly he is hysterical, sobbing about having to leave you then naturally you're devastated.

So, I opted to brace myself and tell them on the morning of Day 6 because he was going to see them for the first time that evening.

I tried to think about how to tell them, tried to think of the best ways to break the news to them, I looked it up online and in the end just went with the flow of what I felt best.  I just told them that we had decided to separate, that dad had moved out and was looking for somewhere nearby to live, that they'd see him every weekend and a couple of times in the week or whenever they felt like it.  They were shocked but didn't look surprised.  They had heard the shouting and been upset then dad had not been there for 6 days, so I guess they had an idea of what was going on. 

They didn't say a lot.  I asked if they were sad about that, they said they were.  I said that was ok, that I was sad too.  I asked if they had anything they wanted to ask, they said no.  I said that they could always ask dad or I if they wanted to know something or talk something over.  They said Ok.  Then they sort of went on as normalish.  DS1 acted a bit over-the-top cheery, but that is his usual nervous-anxious sort of behaviour.

Once they were told I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and realised how much I had been feeling sickened about telling them.  I don't want to destroy their lives, and only hope that what I'm doing is going to make their lives a lot better.  Maybe not today, but in the long run.

Later on we went to visit a friend with children they enjoy playing with.  They had a great time.  Unfortunately she had a couple of other visitors, one I don't know well and one I'd never met, which meant 2 hours of 'socialising' for me that I really could have done without.  And sympathetic looks!!  I swear, they will kill me before this is all over.