How I was emotionally abusive to him.

Continuing on from the emails in the previous post, my husband today replied with his information about how I was emotionally abusive to him during our 15 year relationship:

I dont think i will be telling you anything i havent said before but the things i am having difficulty in distinguishing between abuse and whatever you want to call it are:

15 yrs of being made to feel guilty if i have gone out. When i gave the example of playing football I was trying to justify for you why you should have acted so negatively about me just playing football. I can understand with the P (ex -girlfriend that he still took out when we were living together) thing why you would feel anxious about me doing anything with R (P's brother), but apart from that i can only  think of 1 thing i have done to make you 'react' in an abusive way (regarding me socialising). The other is maintaining a friendship with E (a female friend that was in love with him)  for longer than i should, from my point of view I really liked her as a friend and thought that if i broke up our friendship because i had a girlfriend it would belittle the friendship we had and suggest there was more than friendship, from her side there was and you helped me see that it was therefor inappropriate to continue a friendship with her. I dont think you have reacted or been abusive regarding this though.

Right from the beginning of our relationship you didnt like to be left at home, not that we never went out together but yes sometimes once or twice a week i would go to pub with R (his best friend) and get drunk. I dont think it was as infrequent as i would like to remember, neither was it as frequent as you would. But it was normal for a 19 - 30 yr old to do. Should i have been more understanding that you sometimes couldnt go out because of A (my eldest daughter from a previous marriage)? If I had been every other night out on the town then yes, but the frequency i was going out no, not at all. Yes when we had E  then F (two of our children) there probably were times that I should have not gone out, so when you reacted to this i put it down to your nature of wanting to control my limited social life.

This did not suddenly just stop, over the years we have both matured and that sort of thing isnt as much of an issue, R (his best friend) wedding year was pretty heavy granted.

Last year when I went to 3 peaks my phone ran out of battery and you replied to the pictures i sent you from B's phone, You sent a message brimming with support and love, B read it out to everyone on the coach and it was really nice to hear such words of love that contrasted with everything else that you had sent to my phone and conversations we had had up until a few hours before that generally revolving around 'i dont know why you had to go up the day before/ this is just another excuse for a piss up/how much money have you spent blah blah blah. Being the abusive cynic i am i assume you wanted to portray some kind of loving and supportive wife wishing your husband well. maybe you just meant it as a joke, whatever motivated you to write that stuff it was really nice and would have been nicer if the only bit of moral support you sent was when other people werent watching. Why am i banging on about this and remebering such a small and insignificant detail that as usual i am sure you have forgot because you dont hang on to things like i do. Because i think it shows you know you behave inappropriatly but in front of people like to give a different more positive image. Is it reaction to how i am with you? i dont think so, it reminds me of someone who can scold someone then turn on a sugary smile for all to see, i wonder where i'm getting that reference from. (reference to my mum)

So in general ,years of ongoing critisism of me going out, not a few isolated occassions but constantly and gradually subsiding as the years have gone on.

We have discussed this already many times and i asume your stance is still that I should have only gone out the number of times in a year that you find acceptable. This wasnt something that grew into a bigger problem as my abusiveness became more prevaillant but started right from the beginning. From when i went to that rave, we just remember from our own perspective. Looking back now i dont see why I should have gone with you, I never asked you to go, you hated the music, you hated the scene, i didnt want you there and assumed you would not want to be there. You had your own assumptions that i think were if A goes out then I go out with him.

I know it is futile and you see me as raking up the past, but when you tell me that you were not being at best clingy and at worst controlling, but reacting to my abusiveness, I do not think that that part was abusive, and it did affect our relationship right from the start for years and years.

Another part i hate thinking about is that i feel you bullied me into having kids. I dont think you can ever be ready to have a family, but you can be ready to want one. I wanted to wait. J (relate) counsellor brushed this aside when I brought it up, I will talk in [abuse programme] about it. I love my children with all my heart and i dont like to bring it up but i feel you bulldozed your agenda, and it was such a big thing.

Disagreements on jobs/where to live/ houses/ how to spend money/decorating/ raising kids etc etc.

When you said you feel you had contributed about 50/50 to our problems in the relationship I did get the wrong end of the stick. The things you have listed with the exception of money have been i think fairly healthy debates where you have had a point of view and we possibly argued and we have ended up doing what you suggested in the first place, and with hind sight your plans/objectives have served us well on those things and they were good decisions. 

I thought you may have been admitting to bringing some kind of negative feelings ( generally associated with abuse) like jealousy, control, blaming etc. All you have referenced are things that good and positive decisions have come out of. So the only things you feel you have contributed 50/50 on are positive things. You do not feel you have done anything detrimental in our relationship for the whole 15+ years except in reaction to me. Maybe you could clarify what you are thinking of when you say you have done 'stupid' and 'idiotic' things, or were you just saying that but not meaning anything at all?

This email irritated me so much, for so many reasons.  My reply:

Ok.  I have taken all the bumph out of my list and whittled it down to bullet points (as you know).  Then I've printed it out and kept it so I can remind myself of the abusive incidents and everything.  Maybe you'll find it helpful to do the same?

• 15 yrs of being made to feel guilty if i have gone out.

• you bullied me into having kids

I've read through a couple of times but I think that's the whole list?

Yes, I know I'm being flippant/sarcastic but the whole self-righteous tone of your email just brings it out.  When you compare how abusive you have been to these two points I don't know how you've got the front to harp on about this stuff.  I really don't.

I will say again.  In a relationship where I received snarky remarks and constant disapproval for doing *anything* that wasn't cleaning/cooking/with the kids (reading blogs, being online, reading a book etc) then in my opinion, it would be a natural reaction for *most* people to then be resentful when that same person goes off regularly (every 2-3 months would have been extremely frequent compared to how often I did) overnight or for longer. 

We 'remember that differently' re: you going off and leaving me.  I'm sure I said something like that I didn't have anywhere to go and maybe I could come along to see what kind of thing you like to go to, and you said 'whatever but you won't like it' kind of thing.  I reassured that I would.  I got ready, you told me the car was full and left.  So no, you didn't invite me and maybe I shouldn't have 'invited myself'?  Maybe I didn't trust you because you had sworn you weren't doing drugs any longer (which I insisted due to us moving in together with Alyssa), maybe that's why you didn't want me to come - as you said a couple of emails ago 'I didn't want you to see me off my face'.  So you obviously still were.

Again, with the four peaks.  I did ask you how come a 24 hour walk was turning into a 3-4 day jolly.  This was not me being unsupportive and not wanting you to go out anywhere as you say.  It was due to the fact that last year you were away for about 2 weeks altogether (not including the 4 peaks) without your family while we went nowhere.  So, I did think you had some front and not a lot of sensitivity to be then choosing to go off for another jolly, and yes that irritated me.  Again, most people would probably think that I reacted quite normally.  But my memory was that during the whole time you were away (while you had your phone battery on) I was supportive.  I was supportive before too and I was proud of you afterwards and think I showed it.  But it is again, the context of my reactions.  In the context of the times you went away last year and my total lack of freedom to do anything - it was actually probably quite restrained.  So, if you think I'm taking this 'you were totally unsupportive and then only nice in public' thing to heart you can think again.  Stop playing the Victim.

As far as forcing you to have kids.. I don't know what to say about that.  Yes, I did put a lot of pressure on you about this and I shouldn't have done that.  I think I've apologised in the past about that and can say 100% that I will never do that again.  Like you say, it's difficult to discuss because we both love our kids and are happy to have them.

I have to laugh when you imply that I bulldoze you into doing everything that I want.  I believe that is a totally unrealistic portrayal of our life together.  Totally.  There have been a few things that have been really important to me that I've not allowed you to bulldoze me on (specifically certain things to do with the kids, home ed, moving here to K). 

You ask what are the stupid and idiotic things that I was referring to and probably the only one is in the list at the top.  I shouldn't have been so insistent about having children and 'bulldozed' you as you say.

As far as my attitude to you going out, well - that was created in my opinion by the way you have treated me.

And so where does that leave the idea that I'm emotionally abusive?  All I see here are distractions away from the main issue (your abusiveness), trying to shift as much blame as possible from you to me, and attempts to justify your behaviour.  

I got a reply to my email pretty quickly and it was at this point that I decided to pull the plug on this ridiculous exchange that was certainly not good for my mental health or anything, really for that matter.  I know already that I can never present information or argument that would every change his mind, no matter what it is, so I may as well stand and bash my head against a brick wall than sit down and expend time and energy on this sort of exchange.  He doesn't want to, and never will, ever concede my point of view.

Your sarcastic comments you start with? would you find it more validating if i gave you more than 2 things i am not happy with? I dont see this as a contest of who can score more points against the other. I realise that the whole part of this discussion is sidetracking from looking at me as an abuser so have looked at things that I find particularly important to me, if that means there are only 2 points then that is that! Since looking at abuse as the problem I fairly quickly came to agree that yes i have been abusive on many different levels, I dont think you are an abusive person but i do think that the 2 points i have raised use abusive techniques.

 

Why are you not listening to what i am saying, is it because I then wouldnt fit into your pigeonholed profiling. I can understand over time how you would have started reacting to me being abusive which is why i am looking far back to the start when you were even more controlling, considering as time has gone on we have had kids and more responsiblities your controlling nature has mellowed rather than gotten worse.

 

You have any right to tell me how to live my life or spend my time, in any way

 

It would be totally hypocritical to treat me as you have over the years as well as expecting the above,  now you have become less controlling to non-existant and think you have always been like that? or that anything you have done is in reaction to me despite you being like that from the very start. you have the gaul to call me self righteous.

 

Your recollection of what happened when i went clubbing is wrong. It was about 2 weeks in to our relationship, you were still living at <ex-husband's>, at that time you made no demands regarding drugs. AS (friend) and her bloke were going into london and you had assumed we could both go with them or both go to a rave. I just wanted to go without you raving (sad i know) but its what i wanted. We discussed what to do, you tried to make me feel bad by saying stuff like 'when people are together they go clubbing together, thats what 'normal' couples do' and that 'i wouldnt like it if you wanted to go clubbing without me' and you were right i wouldnt have liked it, but that would have been my abusive side trying to stop you doing stuff. You will probably say i am harping on again, my main point is that this was 2 weeks into our relationship, very early, I would be open to the suggestion that you were 'reacting' to something I did, but you were speaking from your own beliefs, it happened to soon in our relationship for it to be reaction to me.

 

4 peaks stuff - while i was away we spoke and texted, you were frosty to the point of just pissed off with me, i accept it probably was partly in reaction to me. But the text to Bs phone was so contrasting that when i got my phone working I showed him the conversations we had been having, it made your nicey nicey one just laughable. If you dont want to look at why you would be like that then fine. Yes you emailed round to help get money and wished me well, but the text to Bs phone was from another person. If i am playing the victim so what if you cant look at yourself.

 

You misunderstand bulldozing, i was only talking about having kids.

 

Moving to <present house>? as soon as i saw the house i was signing on the dotted line. My only point was that it would drive us further into debt, which it did.

 

So just to confirm your 50/50  negative part you had in our entire 15yr plus relationship was bulldozing your wish to have kids? And that is it. I need to know for when i discuss in <abuser program>

<sigh> why do I let myself be drawn in?  Total waste of time and energy.  No longer - I will be strong!

Accusations

If you are able to follow the blog, you will see that we've had some hot dialogue since the weekend.  The dialogue continued last night by text:

DH:  I don't know what I think or what to say, from your message it is clear we dcisagree with things that happened in the past, when I see you I don't care about it, when I think of us together as a family it seems futile and petty to bring up the distant past.  But as the other night proved sometimes I can't let it go.

ME:  I may well not be remembering it as it happened - I just can't remember, it's so long ago and so insignificant for me.  I can only comment on those things i can drag from my memory..but just think how does this stuff matter?  I just don't get it... Maybe it would help to think about why you want to bring this up and what exactly you WANT me to say - I presume there is something?  Agree with you?  Apologise for being insanely jealous in the past just like you?  Tell you I am just as much to blame for everything as you?  Just what do you want from this discussion?  I can only presume it is the blame game again?

DH:  Each individual thing may seem insignificant but all put together they make the abusive stuff a chronic problem (I am baffled by this statement) so when we don't agree on what happened I find difficulty in addressing my abusive behaviour because I don't want to apologise for things I don't see as my wrong behaviour, when I see it that it was you in the wrong sometimes.

I have been asking myself the same question all day.  I thought I would be happy knowing that you felt some of our problems were your responsibility.  You have done that so am I now changing the goalposts?  I suppose so.  It was fine until Sunday.  I think I feel you have only got the right to challenge me on certain aspects as I believe for the  majority of our relationship you have used emotional abuse against me, but as Lundy says I can't challenge you on that as I am the main perpetrator.  So I feel if you don't look at your side then you cannot judge me about mine.  I know this is probably text book abuser mentality, I am not saying it to start another row, I am being truthful to how I feel.

I am, once again (tiresomely), astonished.  I can't believe that he thinks I have been emotionally abusive for the 'majority of our relationship'.  I didn't know that he believed this.  It's so wrong, but yet so expected that it makes me feel a mixture of pity and sorrow. 

Basically, any normal reactions that were objecting to his poor behaviour he cites as 'abusive' because I was trying to stop him doing what he wanted.  Anything I did to challenge his abuse is also considered abusive.  I am going to ask him for a list of my abusive traits and incidents to see exactly what is going on in his mind!

Oh, hello Rollercoaster - did I think you were gone?

Yes, I was incredibly incredibly down yesterday.  I just felt so sad for the whole day.  It was my eldest's birthday and she was being typical-teenagery which just upset me.  She seemed so miserable even though we were doing fun things.  By the end of the day I just thought 'what is the point' and was in tears.

Also, I hadn't had a reply from the email I sent my dh about the sexual abuse and I was extremely anxious about that and didn't sleep well.  So that also contributed.

However, he replied around midnight last night and just reading the reply (long and not great, but not awful either) reduced the anxiety that I had been feeling.  So I slept Ok last night and woke up to blue skies and felt a lot more positive.  I'm not happy that my equilibrium is still so clearly in his hands, but I'm only 3 weeks into what will be a long process, so I have to remember that and not feel disappointed that things aren't different.

Today I woke up, got breakfast, tidied the living room and the kitchen and got the dinner in the slow cooker.  Having done that I lay in bed immersed in a book while the children made dens and played.  I read for probably four or five hours.  A rare luxury.  I needed 'me time' today.  I needed to be easy on myself.

Then mid afternoon we headed out to the library, a tour of some charity shops, an hour long trip to the park in the slowly setting sun playing frisbies and then we went food shopping before heading home for dinner, TV and then bed.  I've watched a show I'm presently enjoying a lot, checked in on the computer and will head up to bed now.  So it's been a nice, go-easy day and I'm feeling a lot better.

This evening I've gotten texts from dh asking how I'm feeling about the sexual abuse.  He says that he's never given it any thought, thought it was something we both knew about but he had never thought about how it effected me.  He says he has been thinking about it ever since I emailed and is so ashamed etc etc.

I've mainly said that I'm in shock about all the realisations I've been going through, but mainly I'm just horrified about what happened.

It was 14 years ago and nothing like that has happened since.  It was spurred on by his excessive jealousy and anger.  I know that.  Apparently all he's ever thought about that incident was about his jealousy.

What really surprised me was that his recall of the night was literally word for word, so he wasn't that drunk.  Also, he remembered that after taking my underwear off he threw me off the bed and onto the floor and nearly threw me down the stairs before throwing me on the bed and having sex with me.  Now that he says it I remember vaguely, but I had totally not been aware of that at all over the last 14 years.  Just the sexual abuse that happened afterwards.

So, yet another revelation and I can't help wondering if there are other things I am just unaware of...

Email to DH

Ok.  I spoke to DH for around an hour this evening on the phone.  About the abuser programme, The Book, general behaviour and stuff.  I found it really hard to communicate.  I said I would email him.  He wants my 'list' of his abusive behaviour to show to the programme co-ordinator.

This is the email I just sent:

I'm finding it really difficult to compose my thoughts and feelings properly right now. 

Firstly, you want 'my' list.  I don't know if this will be particularly helpful.  But I will write out my list for you and attach it. 

There are a few things that I wanted to talk about because I've been thinking about them a lot.  Well, tell you what I'm thinking really.  I don't know what to expect in response, if anything. 

How am I feeling, overall?  Well, everything is very complex obviously.  On the one hand I feel a sense of freedom starting to come up.  Not freedom from a relationship, but freedom from that constant low level anxiety that has been brought about by all the abusiveness.  I'm starting to feel like for the first time in a long time my home is 'a safe place to fall'.  Somewhere relaxing, comfortable and well... just always nice to be.  I've not had that feeling for a very long time.  Not having the feeling of being 'not good enough' for the first time in 14 years is liberating, but I'm still getting used to it. 

But of course, we have been together a long time.  I love you and I miss you.  I miss the banter, conversation, chat, etc.   I miss the children when they are not here. 

I'm grieving.  For the loss of the relationship.  For the dying hope that it might still be saved.  For the relationship I thought we had, or might have one day, for our family.  It's such a huge loss.  I feel so sad about everything. 

I don't know what's going to happen with this programme.  I am feeling that I don't really trust what you are saying - whether you are saying these things because you honestly really think you want to change, or what.  I don't know if I can believe that you can change, because your values and attitudes which are abusive are so deeply ingrained and you so wholeheartedly believe that they are OK and even normal that I can't imagine how you will come to accept that they are neither.   

Specific times in our relationship keep playing over in my mind.  I'm second guessing your motivations and beliefs.  I don't believe that you are surrounded by people with a healthy idea of a relationship - your family, Rick, Joe, Darren etc.  This is a barrier to any change too, I think.  Even at work the people you know the best are from cultures that are highly mysogynist and these also validate your abusive behaviours.  So I worry about where you will get the support you will need to change. 

Ok.  I'm going to have to get to the bones about some issues. 

Firstly, this will come as a shock because it's a long time ago.  A very long time ago.  A, I have been turning over in my mind for a few months an incident that occurred years ago that I'd tried to forget.  Right in the first few months of our relationship, when we lived in P C. 

One night P from work came over and we were both drunk.  Nothing happened of course, between him and me.  But I remember and have always known what happened after that.  You were filled with anger and jealousy because you thought we'd been flirting and that I wanted sex with him.  I wasn't passed out when you undressed me and jabbed your fingers in me and had sex with me.  I was frozen and 'acting dead' because you were having sex with me fully knowing that I hadn't consented and was too drunk to stop you.  In fact you thought I had passed out.  I even managed to open my eyes without you seeing and saw the look of jealousy, anger and triumph in your face as you had sex with me.  I was so shocked and horrified about that, I can't tell you.  

I don't know if you will even remember this incident, let alone ever admit to what happened.  But I know what happened.  I've always known but tried not to think of it.  It's something that I would have had to bring up with you. 

Secondly, the incident when you picked me up from work and you thought I was late.  You screamed what a fucking selfish bitch I was all the way home.  How I couldn't ever fucking apologise for anything because of what a selfish fucking bitch I was.  And <DS>, aged only 1 and a 1/2 or so was sitting there in his car seat.   

Thirdly, all the little snide comments that you said which feel like you only said them to highlight to me that I wasn't good enough.  There are too many to list.... and they are replaying in my mind too.  None of them on their own seem like a 'big' incident and to make a big deal of them would have seemed OTT, but then that's the plan maybe?  To chip away bit by bit at me.  This is the kind of thing I'm thinking now.  Were you doing this sort of thing on purpose, or did it happen subconsciously? 

I also wanted to say as the only response I will make to any accusation that I am or have been abusive - think about self-defense and self-preservation.  Think of all the different ways that someone under constant low level and occasional high level attack might try to defend themselves.   

You know, I thank god that in between my childhood problems and meeting you that I had a five year relationship with someone who was just ordinary.  If it hadn't been for that I might well have believed that the way you treated me, spoke to me etc was just par for the course in any relationship.  I might have believed that maybe I was lazy, selfish, not good enough and that I had an incorrect image of myself.  Or that 'all relationships' go through this sort of thing.  I know though that it's totally possible to respect somebody pretty much all the time, to resolve conflicts and disagreements amicably and without outright hostility, to compromise, to live a life free from criticism, to have a mutually supportive relationship... all the things that haven't happened in our relationship. 

I won't expect to hear from you for a while, but maybe you'll reply straight away.  I don't know anymore. 

Despite everything, I don't write off the possibility that we might in the end have a good, healthy, normal relationship.  I still hope that we will be able to.

Of course, now I am extremely anxious about what kind of response I am going to receive.  I probably won't sleep a wink tonight, though I am exhausted.

In fact, I'm already wondering why on earth I sent this email.  What is the point.  I suppose because I would have wanted to tell the support worker these things and they might have told him.  Oh, I don't know.  Life's shitty and hard.

Feeling ill, clearing anxiety and fear - and dh again.

I don't know if everyone is like me, but often during emotionally charged times I get physically ill.  Particularly, I have a weak stomach and suffer nausea and/or vomiting.

I am taking homeopathic remedies to help me at the moment, and they have always been very effective on me.  (what can I say, a control group of one).

On Tuesday night, bang on midnight (bizarrely) I woke up with an excruciating pain in my stomach.  On the right hand side between my lower rib and hip.  It was awful and I lay in agony for around half an hour.  Then I started being sick and I felt like it wouldn't end.  My stomach felt enormously bloated and the pain was horrible.  I didn't feel ill in any other way, like you normally do with an infection or something.  The pain and vomiting went on til around 2am when I finally got back to sleep.

Yesterday I felt nauseous all day and had a banging headache - I'm sure due to the strain of being so sick early that morning, and today the nausea has gradually diminished over the day.  Hopefully I'll be fine by tomorrow morning.

Something that surprised me was that from yesterday morning I have felt suddenly very calm and in control.  Those rollercoaster of emotions seems to have dampened a lot, and I'm just feeling a bit sad but I'm ok.  Not the awful ups and downs and terrible racing thoughts that I've had since everything happened.

So, I'm thinking that I literally emptied my body of all the fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing.  Not only during the last 2+ weeks, but also during the previous years of the relationship.  I know that might seem unlikely, but that's what I'm thinking has happened at the moment.  And I'm feeling Ok.  Not great, not singing and dancing, but Ok - like I will cope and everything will be fine at some point.

I have seen a fair bit of dh over the last few days.  He's had a week off work and so has been seeing the children more, which of course means more pick ups and drop offs.

He already said that he's told his mum everything, yesterday he told me he'd told his dad everything.  Now, I don't know particularly how to feel and you know what - that doesn't matter.  Uncertainty is a pretty valid emotion and feeling right now, I believe.

I'm wondering if he really has - if he has told them everything he says he has then I'm surprised I've not heard from his mum by now.  It has occurred to me that having read The Book he knows what to say he's doing to convince me he has changed (this is one of the things - fully admitting what you have done to everyone).

I was considering phoning his mum and having a chat... I'm not sure if that's the best course of action.  Sitting back and believing what he's telling me hasn't worked well so far.

But then, maybe it just doesn't really matter and I just need to focus on myself and my children and our recovery rather than second guessing everything else.

Another thing to ponder in the wee hours :-)  But at least my mind has stopped racing - that is a real blessing.

The Long Haul

Abusers are masters of storing away their resentment or anger to unleash on the unsuspecting victim days, weeks or months after the actual incident that has pissed them off.  Well, according to most things I've read and my dh is no different.  Obviously this sort of behaviour is a total mind-f*ck because usually they never let on what has initially started it all off (probably because they can see how unreasonable or childish their actions would be in the cold light of day) so for the victim it's totally 'out of the blue'.

I've been (obviously) thinking over so many things lately with my new 'clarity goggles' to cut through the fog of confusion that he's built around me.  I thought it might be useful to put down on paper one of these 'long haul' incidents.

This is quite recent and is actually the incident that lead to our separation and I mentioned it before but have been giving it more thought.

The initial incident.
Was Christmas just gone.  As usual we had both families due to visit and stay for the whole holiday period.  From the 23rd December to the 1st January we were scheduled to have a variety of visitors. 

Unfortunately we had a nasty flu-y sort of virus going round the children and lo-and-behold I got it on the 23rd December.  I tried to avoid being ill.  I continued shopping and was up til 11.30pm on Christmas Eve wrapping presents while feeling dreadful.  Dh got drunk and did nothing because he apparently is rubbish at wrapping presents.  Really, he just didn't want to do it.  My sister was there and was appalled and told him how lazy he was being.  We have 4 children... there were hundreds of things to wrap.

Gradually I got worse until on Boxing Day I was laid up in bed all day.  Dh came in and out asking me if I was going to be laying in bed all day.  He was obviously annoyed because it meant he would be doing all the hosting and cooking etc for a change.  (He did always cook Christmas Dinner - he is a 'show cooker' - only doing it when there is an appreciative audience (not us))  On the 27th - 31st I was still ill and came down when people were visiting but needed to regularly lie down to recuperate.  I looked and felt awful.

My sister got really angry as she overheard him moaning about me to his family saying he'd had enough of 'looking after her' now and implying I just couldn't be bothered to have to do anything.  Bearing in mind his idea of looking after might have been 2 or 3 drinks over the course of the two weeks that I was ill, it's hardly like he's been Florence Nightingale.

However, he didn't really say anything - just complaints and comments here and there to family, statements to me that Christmas 'wasn't enjoyable at all' and then when everyone had gone we got back to normal, I thought nothing more of it.

The build up.
Once I was better again dh started making comments that he could feel a bad time coming on between us.  I was surprised as I had thought that we had been getting on relatively well for a few months.  I said as much.  But every few days he made little comments and started saying that we always have a difficult time at this time of year etc. 

Now I think that he obviously was building himself up to a row to get out all the anger about me 'selfishly' ruining HIS Christmas by being ill.

First Attempt at lighting the touchpaper
Ten days or so into the new year dh suddenly started saying he wanted another baby.  I was stunned!  During every pregnancy and for the first year his abusiveness has always been at a peak, and each time I have been left devastated by the lack of support and downright nasty behaviour at a time that should be filled with joy.

My last pregnancy put such a physical strain on me, I was so ill - we decided that it would definitely be the last.  I have been pregnant or had young children since I was eighteen-years-old and am now in my mid-30's.  For me, that's enough.  I can just about cope happily with the children I have and have no desire for any more.  This is one of the very few topics that I am unswayable on.  And dh knows it.

So, out of the blue one night he says he wants another baby.  I laugh, because I think he's joking.  He looks seriously at me so I say, of course I don't want any more children - for me, four is enough.  He says "don't you think that's really selfish".  I say no and start to list reasons, wondering 'didn't we have this conversation?  Didn't we agree?'

So he says 'what if we won the lottery?'.  I say that doesn't change anything, for me it's not about the money.  It's the fact that for me I can't have another baby and go through another pregnancy, that I'm enjoying the children growing up and being able to be there for them and do things that we couldn't do with another baby etc etc.  So he starts saying how I'm being really selfish.

I now see he was trying to pick a fight.  He really believed I was being selfish when I was ill over Christmas, this is what this little conversation was about.  However, I was so stunned by this sudden turn of conversation that I just shrugged and left the room so he didn't get to let out all those built-up emotions tell me what he thought of me.

The successful attempt
He continued his 'we are going to go through a bad time' routine, which I was totally baffled about.

Then a week later - touchdown!  In popped the credit card bill which dh could convince himself in a very roundabout way that he knew nothing about.  Result!  And of course the bare facts of this (him allegedly having no knowledge about it) would mean that his actions would be easy to justify to himself, me and if necessary anyone else.  It doesn't matter if he had twisted the bare facts (because we'd agreed to spend this money on the credit card) because I didn't have proof of that decision we made together and he could talk it around so that he knew we decided that, but then thought I wasn't going through with that decision.  Hmmm. Clear as mud, yes?

When I got home he was holding the statement and going through the roof about it.  I've written before what happened, but it culminated in him screaming about me doing 'F. All' around the house, 'F. All' to contribute to anything, him working hard for me to lay around doing nothing and reading all day.  Now these things are total rubbish, couldn't be further from the truth.  But they are true about what happened when I was ill at Christmas.

And thus, it took him a while - around 2-3 weeks after the initial 'incident' but he got his anger and resentment out, supposedly justifiably, in the end.

Of course, this time it backfired, as I found the book and saw in all truth what he'd been doing and what was going on - but for fourteen + years this tactic has worked perfectly and he's managed to abuse and insult me to my face but then somehow twisted it round so it's my fault he's done it.

Quite clever, I suppose.

Those things I keep thinking about...

The small things:
The time I made dh a sandwich for work.  I didn't often do it because 1. he left before 7am for work and 2. he was incredibly fussy and always complained about something.  i.e. that I hadn't dabbed the sliced cucumber with tissue to stop it being too wet.

Anyway, I was up early one morning.  I made dh a sandwich and even dabbed the cucumber with tissue!  When he got home from work this was our conversation:

DH: Thanks for making that sandwich for me, it was so nice.

Me:  That's Ok.

DH: I even told <colleague> about it.  I said "look at this sandwich my wife made for me.  Isn't that nice".  Well, he just shrugged and said "My wife makes me sandwiches every day".  He doesn't even think about it.

 This was a deliberate backhanded jibe, that left me just feeling bad and wishing I never made the sandwich.

The medium things:
My dh was picking me up after work one day.  I finished teaching my class and carried all my stuff out (4-5 boxes/bags of stuff) and loaded the car.  I got in the car and said hello to dh and to my youngest who was in the car - he was around 12 - 16 months old at the time.  My DH was just staring at me.  This was our conversation:

DH: Aren't you going to say sorry?

Me: What for?

DH: Being late.

Me: But I'm not late.

DH: You said you were finishing at 12.

Me: I did finish at 12.

DH: It's 12.15 and we've been sitting there for fifteen minutes.

Me: You know I have to clear up the room and pack my stuff away.  I finish teaching at 12.

DH: (Shouting) YOU SELFISH BITCH!  YOU CAN NEVER SAY SORRY CAN YOU?

Me: (Shouting back) WHAT'S GOING ON?  WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME?

DH: YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING SELFISH BITCH!  YOU CAN NEVER ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY!  YOU'RE SO FUCKING SELFISH!

This carried on all the drive home, with me asking him not to shout this stuff as he'll scare the baby.  I got out of the car at home totally shell-shocked, hugging the baby to me and running in the house.  I didn't know what the hell had happened.

About 4 hours later, dh said "sorry I got angry, I forgot you have to clear away and it takes 15 minutes"  Nothing about the horrible abuse he yelled at me, nothing about the fact that even if he did forget, or even if I was 15 minutes later than I'd said it wouldn't have justified what happened.

He must have felt bad for him, because this is one of only a handful of times that he has spontaneously apologised for anything he has ever done.

The big things:
One particular incident happened when we'd been living together about six months - together for under a year.  I was working in an office and had gone out for a drink with three or four colleagues.  We all got quite drunk and a couple of them came back to our house, as you do when you are 20 or 21.  One of them was this guy P.  He was hilarious and I got on well with him.  He was a bit of a rich boy, with a girlfriend who was a model, and went to Henley and Ascot and so on.  We didn't have anything in common, I didn't fancy him but he was funny and we got on really well.

So, back at our house, dh was there with a couple of his friends and we came in.  One of my colleagues instantly lay on the sofa and fell asleep.  I carried on drinking with P, and we were mucking about on the computer.  Just being idiots.  Computers were new then (mid-late 90's) and we didn't really know how to use the internet and were drunk, we were just arsing about and laughing our drunk heads off.  At some point dh and his friends disappeared.

I now know that they were 'calming him down' because he wanted to punch P's head in.

At some point I wobbled up the stairs to go to the loo (in fact I think I vomited) and as I was coming out of the loo dh came and grabbed me and yanked me into our bedroom.  He shoved me on the bed.  I was so drunk I started to pass out and couldn't talk.  He was saying something about P and about me flirting with him and wanting to have sex with him.

I was too drunk to respond, in fact I couldn't move.  Then dh undressed my bottom half and started jabbing his fingers inside me, making lewd comments.  I just froze.  I was too drunk to get up and do anything about it, or jump up and yell at him to stop.  My reaction was to 'act dead' and I didn't move.  I thought that once he'd realised I wasn't really conscious he'd stop.

He didn't.  He proceeded to have horrible, jabbing sex with me, his face screwed up with hate.  I knew that I'd be blotting it out or minimizing what happened in the morning, I knew that if I said anything he'd say I was drunk or he was drunk or whatever.  I tried to get it into my head that I needed to leave him in the morning.

Instead, in the morning he was indignant and devastated that I was flirting and wanted to have sex with P, and somehow it was twisted round until I was reassuring him that I didn't want anyone else, that I loved him, that I didn't flirt with other guys, apologising for getting drunk and everything else.

--
All these things are running through my head all the time (along with hundreds of other incidents).  I'm trying to think about them more clearly, use them to bolster my confidence that I've done the right thing, and probably a little bit to prove to myself and others that he really was abusive... it's not a figment of my imagination or sign of my over-sensitivity.

It's difficult.  Really difficult.

Day 4 - More emails

I had spent the weekend reading 'The Book' and had decided we would separate.  To keep things amicable, I decided to 'go along with' the same old, same old until my dh had moved properly out of the house.  This is because he has been physically abusive and explosive on occasion in the past, and I am genuinely afraid of what he might do.

This was a Monday and I spent all morning sorting out the practicalities of getting my husband to leave, and getting everything sorted for us.

My email:

Hi

 

I spoke to housing benefit today and although they can't guarantee it til they've seen everything and had the application it looks like I would be able to get housing benefit. 

However, as part of the HB claim I need to prove we are not together by having a single tenancy, not joint and have all other benefits paid into a single not joint account.  On this basis I have today contacted tax credits and child benefit to advise of the change of circumstances and change payment to my X account.  Also, I have contacted X (Landlord) and they need a letter signed by both of us asking to give up the tenancy, and then they will issue a single tenancy for me.

 

If you want to take the children swimming at X tomorrow that's fine, nothing else is planned.  I will meet you there, then hang around in X or whatever and pick them up afterwards.

 

I'm giving a lot of thought to our myriad of issues and problems, nothing is resolving in my head.  Even if I apologise for the money going on the card, that's like a drop in the ocean of our actual problems. 

 

If I could honestly believe that you could stop believing that you are entitled to tell me how I should live my life, spend my time and sit in judgement on whether I am 'good enough' in so many areas of our lives then I would drop everything to be together as a family.  I want us to be a family, I consider you not only my husband and the father of my children, but also one of my longest term friends.  I don't want us to not be together.  The thought is destroying me, but the thought of living with someone who insists on trying to run my life and judge me is going to destroy me even more.  So, I see no choice but for us to be apart.

Day 1 - emails

The morning after the night before that I describe in my initial post.  I emailed the following to dh:

I can't believe this.  Only a few days ago I was genuinely thinking that 'we' had changed and would not be doing this again.  But then, I obviously believed some things were resolved that clearly weren't.  So we are here again.

You are right, I believe that the time has come for us to separate.  For a few reasons.

Firstly, these issues which have been the same and ongoing for what, 10 years or more?  Clearly no matter how much discussion takes place they can't be resolved.  I have no desire to be discussing my behaviour and whether or not it is good enough ever again, let alone when I'm 40/50/60.

Secondly, I no longer will accept the manner of which you talk to me during these times.  The swearing, the general disrespect and rudeness.  If I ever spoke to you like that you would flip out.

Thirdly, this insistance that our problems are largely my fault because I haven't had counselling to deal with childhood issues.  I know that this is something you've identified as a way of shifting any blame from you to me. 

The problem I have is that you want to control my behaviour, because you believe you have some right to tell me what I should do, how I should spend my time etc.  You don't have that right, in any way, in my opinion.  The idea that the problem here is me because I won't allow you to control me is an odd one and one I don't accept.