Day 7 - a busy day

The last day of the first week was a very busy day.  We go to a family group that lasts all day and is exhausting.

I thought we might all want to take a little Time Out from life for a while, but it turns out that what is best for the children is to keep up the usual routine, for them to see their friends and have the reassurance that life has not stopped.

I couldn't face telling twenty people what had happened so I emailed the group to let them know.  This meant that it was very hard seeing more sympathetic faces, and I was on the edge of tears virtually the whole day.  I did end up offloading everything onto one of the other mums.  Told her everything about us in about a 1/2 hour monologue, and I hope she doesn't mind or think I'm crazy now...

The thing is everyone who knows him thinks he's such a friendly, easy going, affable man.  As do I.  But he's not all (or even most) of the time that man.  But, do I want to tell everyone every detail of everything that's happened over our lives?  Now, no.  Not at all.  So then it becomes difficult when people naturally want to know "what happened?".  Because I'm not happy - yet- to admit to most people I know that my husband manipulated, lied and emotionally abused me for all these years.  That he's almost destroyed everything that I thought I knew.

Emotional Abuse.  It seems like a modern made-up name for something not-that-bad.  That's what I'm guessing people think.  If you've lived at the bitter end of it, you know how insidious and destructive it is. 

Anyway, the children again seemed Ok.  A bit more reflective and quiet.  I am trying hard not to take out my upset on them, but sometimes they frustrate me and I feel like the bitch-mother-from-hell.  I have shouted at them a couple of times over the last week, which is the last thing they need.

<I only hoped that week 2 would be better>

Day 6 - Telling the Children

My husband had asked me to tell the children he was working away til he got himself a flat nearby.  My experience before was that when he was on his own he 'broke down and couldn't stop himself telling them' and he made it all a lot more traumatic than necessary.  If you have never seen your dad cry and suddenly he is hysterical, sobbing about having to leave you then naturally you're devastated.

So, I opted to brace myself and tell them on the morning of Day 6 because he was going to see them for the first time that evening.

I tried to think about how to tell them, tried to think of the best ways to break the news to them, I looked it up online and in the end just went with the flow of what I felt best.  I just told them that we had decided to separate, that dad had moved out and was looking for somewhere nearby to live, that they'd see him every weekend and a couple of times in the week or whenever they felt like it.  They were shocked but didn't look surprised.  They had heard the shouting and been upset then dad had not been there for 6 days, so I guess they had an idea of what was going on. 

They didn't say a lot.  I asked if they were sad about that, they said they were.  I said that was ok, that I was sad too.  I asked if they had anything they wanted to ask, they said no.  I said that they could always ask dad or I if they wanted to know something or talk something over.  They said Ok.  Then they sort of went on as normalish.  DS1 acted a bit over-the-top cheery, but that is his usual nervous-anxious sort of behaviour.

Once they were told I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and realised how much I had been feeling sickened about telling them.  I don't want to destroy their lives, and only hope that what I'm doing is going to make their lives a lot better.  Maybe not today, but in the long run.

Later on we went to visit a friend with children they enjoy playing with.  They had a great time.  Unfortunately she had a couple of other visitors, one I don't know well and one I'd never met, which meant 2 hours of 'socialising' for me that I really could have done without.  And sympathetic looks!!  I swear, they will kill me before this is all over.

Day 4 and Day 5

I was really down on days 4 and 5.  Very upset.  I had to speak to lots of different people (benefit agencies mainly) and repeat the words "my husband and I have separated".  When said over and over again, it seems to get more and more heartbreaking.

I have a book called "It's My Life Now".  It's been helpful in lots of ways, but one of the ways is that they totally 'get' that despite everything we will still be grieving after the end of an abusive relationship.  Grieving for the life we thought we might have, the life we thought we had, the end of the dreams, the end of the companionship (because if you've been there, then you know, it's not all bad) and lots of other things.  Not everyone will of course feel like this, especially if it's been a relatively short-lived relationship, but most will and most will grieve for different things.

I didn't really speak to my husband over these few days, and I felt kind of numb-yet-desperately-sad.  I had contacted my homeopath to ask for some remedies to help me through the anxiety and fear that I was feeling.  I hadn't received them at this point, but was spraying the old rescue remedy like it was going out of fashion.  It did help, somewhat.

Good sleep has also been a thing of the past.  I seem to drift off Ok (because I'm exhausted from the emotions of the day probably) but wake in the middle of the night with everything racing round my head and take hours to get back to sleep, if at all.  I've had more 4-something am wake ups than in a loooong time.  So I was also starting to feel sleep deprived, which seems to heighten my emotions. 

Day 4 - More emails

I had spent the weekend reading 'The Book' and had decided we would separate.  To keep things amicable, I decided to 'go along with' the same old, same old until my dh had moved properly out of the house.  This is because he has been physically abusive and explosive on occasion in the past, and I am genuinely afraid of what he might do.

This was a Monday and I spent all morning sorting out the practicalities of getting my husband to leave, and getting everything sorted for us.

My email:

Hi

 

I spoke to housing benefit today and although they can't guarantee it til they've seen everything and had the application it looks like I would be able to get housing benefit. 

However, as part of the HB claim I need to prove we are not together by having a single tenancy, not joint and have all other benefits paid into a single not joint account.  On this basis I have today contacted tax credits and child benefit to advise of the change of circumstances and change payment to my X account.  Also, I have contacted X (Landlord) and they need a letter signed by both of us asking to give up the tenancy, and then they will issue a single tenancy for me.

 

If you want to take the children swimming at X tomorrow that's fine, nothing else is planned.  I will meet you there, then hang around in X or whatever and pick them up afterwards.

 

I'm giving a lot of thought to our myriad of issues and problems, nothing is resolving in my head.  Even if I apologise for the money going on the card, that's like a drop in the ocean of our actual problems. 

 

If I could honestly believe that you could stop believing that you are entitled to tell me how I should live my life, spend my time and sit in judgement on whether I am 'good enough' in so many areas of our lives then I would drop everything to be together as a family.  I want us to be a family, I consider you not only my husband and the father of my children, but also one of my longest term friends.  I don't want us to not be together.  The thought is destroying me, but the thought of living with someone who insists on trying to run my life and judge me is going to destroy me even more.  So, I see no choice but for us to be apart.

Day 1 - emails

The morning after the night before that I describe in my initial post.  I emailed the following to dh:

I can't believe this.  Only a few days ago I was genuinely thinking that 'we' had changed and would not be doing this again.  But then, I obviously believed some things were resolved that clearly weren't.  So we are here again.

You are right, I believe that the time has come for us to separate.  For a few reasons.

Firstly, these issues which have been the same and ongoing for what, 10 years or more?  Clearly no matter how much discussion takes place they can't be resolved.  I have no desire to be discussing my behaviour and whether or not it is good enough ever again, let alone when I'm 40/50/60.

Secondly, I no longer will accept the manner of which you talk to me during these times.  The swearing, the general disrespect and rudeness.  If I ever spoke to you like that you would flip out.

Thirdly, this insistance that our problems are largely my fault because I haven't had counselling to deal with childhood issues.  I know that this is something you've identified as a way of shifting any blame from you to me. 

The problem I have is that you want to control my behaviour, because you believe you have some right to tell me what I should do, how I should spend my time etc.  You don't have that right, in any way, in my opinion.  The idea that the problem here is me because I won't allow you to control me is an odd one and one I don't accept.

Day 2 - the story so far.

This is a lightly edited forum post I made, at a wonderful forum I have been a member of for a while.  Many members have been with me through the ups and downs of at least two years of this marriage:

Well, I’ll start at nearly the beginning. 

Around about exactly a year ago my marriage hit yet another major crises.  We were on the road to separation, we were looking at alternative accomodation for dh etc.  For numerous reasons we decided to try again.  During the process of trying to talk through our problems and how to resolve them a couple of things happened.

Firstly, dh agreed to get assessed for Aspergers.  Two years previously a Relate counsellor had suggested this might be something we look into after a fruitless course of couples counselling.  Anyway, as a concession *to me* dh agreed to this.  He was diagnosed with pdd-nos. 

Secondly, my end of the bargain, so to speak, was something I was unprepared for.  dh announced that 50% if not more of our problems were because of my childhood.  Now, I had a difficult and periodically abusive childhood and I surely do have issues as a result of it.  However, in thirteen years of marriage it had never been mentioned really.  From our discussions I came away starting to doubt my own sanity.  Maybe it was true and I wasn’t coping with it all, maybe it was true that I had a warped sense of what a ‘healthy relationship’ might be - thus putting exceptional pressure on dh, maybe I had not the first idea of the kind of person I really was.  Maybe I indeed had a completely incorrect perception of myself.  And only dh could see, because he knew me best of course.

I spiralled down into an almost nervous breakdown.  For the first time in years I started getting flashbacks to the abuse, it occupied all my time, I was struggling to focus on the normal stuff.  Dh was very sympathetic and caring during this time and we reconciled.