Email vent to dh.

I have been having so many questions and things I wanted to say bubbling over in my mind, and decided - why am I holding back?  What exactly is there to lose?  So this morning I sent this:

I've been thinking a lot.  A lot.  There are so many things I want to talk about and to know.

 

I spoke to the woman from your abuser programme the other day.  She wasn't giving a lot of info out, and there seems to be confidentiality stuff so all I will know is if you don't attend or say you will come home and kill me by the looks of it. 

 

When I first read the book it obviously opened my eyes to a lot, and validated a lot of what I had already felt.  It made me really angry with you.  I want to know honestly from you whether you have done all this deliberately, knowing that it was abusive.  When you've blamed our problems on me and my childhood issues, were you doing it on purpose just to shirk blame?  Because I can honestly say that although things happened in my childhood, I know that actually I've mainly dealt with and am Ok about them.  Only you telling me I hadn't put doubts in my mind.  Did you do that on purpose?  Did you want me to break down?

 

Like, why did you carry on pinching me all the time when I told you not to because it hurt?  What are you really feeling when you do it?  Do you enjoy hurting me but getting away with it?

 

Do you really think I'm a slapper?  Do you think I would be sleeping with other people?  Do you want to make me feel disgusting because you say I do these things?  Or do you not care how it effects me?

 

Do you really think I'm lazy and selfish?  Why do you say that?  Do you not care about me at all?  Do you not value everything I do and have done?  Why do you want to be with a lazy, selfish slapper?  I can only believe that you don't believe these things or you would have left long ago.  In that case why have you insisted for so many years that I am this person?  Do you enjoy causing me pain?

 

Are you really just trying to control me.  Do you just want me to think/act/live for you?  Jump to your beat, provide you with your every desire and whim?  Why are you doing this?  Why have you done this?

 

Don't you want to be together?  Don't you want to be happy? 

 

Have you lied to me about anything?  I feel like you have, but I don't know.  Have you cheated on me?  I wonder if you have.  You know they say that people who accuse or are jealous are usually cheating. 

 

What the fuck is going on A?  I feel like I am trying to piece together a jigsaw but you are withholding the pieces, so how am I going to get the full picture?

 

I've often said that if we lived apart but had a relationship we could be happy.  But actually I don't think that's true.  You are jealous of my friends and think I'm having an affair with them.  You don't want me to spend time alone doing things I enjoy.  You don't want me to study and do well.  I wonder if you don't want me to be happy!  All these things are nothing to do with us living together, are they?

 

I wish you would just be 100% honest with me.  And I wish that I could believe what you say.  But I think my naiivity has done me a lot of harm over the last 14 years.

I know he has composed a reply but due to some internet problem he can't send it.  I'm dreading reading it and wondering why on earth I sent it.  But, something inside me wanted to say all these things that I've been thinking.