Accusations

If you are able to follow the blog, you will see that we've had some hot dialogue since the weekend.  The dialogue continued last night by text:

DH:  I don't know what I think or what to say, from your message it is clear we dcisagree with things that happened in the past, when I see you I don't care about it, when I think of us together as a family it seems futile and petty to bring up the distant past.  But as the other night proved sometimes I can't let it go.

ME:  I may well not be remembering it as it happened - I just can't remember, it's so long ago and so insignificant for me.  I can only comment on those things i can drag from my memory..but just think how does this stuff matter?  I just don't get it... Maybe it would help to think about why you want to bring this up and what exactly you WANT me to say - I presume there is something?  Agree with you?  Apologise for being insanely jealous in the past just like you?  Tell you I am just as much to blame for everything as you?  Just what do you want from this discussion?  I can only presume it is the blame game again?

DH:  Each individual thing may seem insignificant but all put together they make the abusive stuff a chronic problem (I am baffled by this statement) so when we don't agree on what happened I find difficulty in addressing my abusive behaviour because I don't want to apologise for things I don't see as my wrong behaviour, when I see it that it was you in the wrong sometimes.

I have been asking myself the same question all day.  I thought I would be happy knowing that you felt some of our problems were your responsibility.  You have done that so am I now changing the goalposts?  I suppose so.  It was fine until Sunday.  I think I feel you have only got the right to challenge me on certain aspects as I believe for the  majority of our relationship you have used emotional abuse against me, but as Lundy says I can't challenge you on that as I am the main perpetrator.  So I feel if you don't look at your side then you cannot judge me about mine.  I know this is probably text book abuser mentality, I am not saying it to start another row, I am being truthful to how I feel.

I am, once again (tiresomely), astonished.  I can't believe that he thinks I have been emotionally abusive for the 'majority of our relationship'.  I didn't know that he believed this.  It's so wrong, but yet so expected that it makes me feel a mixture of pity and sorrow. 

Basically, any normal reactions that were objecting to his poor behaviour he cites as 'abusive' because I was trying to stop him doing what he wanted.  Anything I did to challenge his abuse is also considered abusive.  I am going to ask him for a list of my abusive traits and incidents to see exactly what is going on in his mind!