Day 4 - More emails

I had spent the weekend reading 'The Book' and had decided we would separate.  To keep things amicable, I decided to 'go along with' the same old, same old until my dh had moved properly out of the house.  This is because he has been physically abusive and explosive on occasion in the past, and I am genuinely afraid of what he might do.

This was a Monday and I spent all morning sorting out the practicalities of getting my husband to leave, and getting everything sorted for us.

My email:

Hi

 

I spoke to housing benefit today and although they can't guarantee it til they've seen everything and had the application it looks like I would be able to get housing benefit. 

However, as part of the HB claim I need to prove we are not together by having a single tenancy, not joint and have all other benefits paid into a single not joint account.  On this basis I have today contacted tax credits and child benefit to advise of the change of circumstances and change payment to my X account.  Also, I have contacted X (Landlord) and they need a letter signed by both of us asking to give up the tenancy, and then they will issue a single tenancy for me.

 

If you want to take the children swimming at X tomorrow that's fine, nothing else is planned.  I will meet you there, then hang around in X or whatever and pick them up afterwards.

 

I'm giving a lot of thought to our myriad of issues and problems, nothing is resolving in my head.  Even if I apologise for the money going on the card, that's like a drop in the ocean of our actual problems. 

 

If I could honestly believe that you could stop believing that you are entitled to tell me how I should live my life, spend my time and sit in judgement on whether I am 'good enough' in so many areas of our lives then I would drop everything to be together as a family.  I want us to be a family, I consider you not only my husband and the father of my children, but also one of my longest term friends.  I don't want us to not be together.  The thought is destroying me, but the thought of living with someone who insists on trying to run my life and judge me is going to destroy me even more.  So, I see no choice but for us to be apart.

He replied with:

Ok that sounds positive from hb,

can you get hb and wftc?

have you told wtfc you are working or will they pay anyway??

Do you trust that merton will let you stay on your own? Should we ask them to send single tenancy then give up joint?

I have set up my own personal bank account so do you want to just keep Halifax and take my name off?

Once its all set up will you need any money from me?

How much of our debt are you planning to take on? Have you got upto date figures on credit cards and loans?

 

Is wednesday not conveniant for swimming?

 

I would like to try counselling again, I do not agree that I am trying to run your life I am entitled to have an opinion and feelings on anyones actions especially my wife's, as long as these are positive then it is not a problem, but when they are negative it is a problem. If these negative opinions are about inconsequential things eg dislike taste of music or tv program choice it doesnt matter. but when the house is messy i do not find it relaxing and i feel stressed, when i am at home i feel i do my fair share i am not some chauvanist who feels a womans place is in the kitchen but frequently as you know i have felt that if you have had time to do things you enjoy then why could you not have done some of the less enjoyable housework. Since our last altercation I thought that I do not want to split just because i think u should do the washing up as that is just pathetic but at the same time I have an expectation of how I want to live in our house, so I have  focused on all the positive things I feel about you and have been trying to do more to keep the house in a way i feel relaxed. We had started to get a financial plan in place which made me relaxed that we could pay off our debts within 10 yrs without going bankrupt or working fingers to the bone, so when I saw the credit card statement I was really shocked, and when you seemed to not share my concern and didnt feel anyway responsible for it I did get annoyed. I am not running your life and do not want to either but i was and would like to be part of your life, and as part of your life the choices you make affect me and sometimes have negative affects which is unfair to expect me to put up with without saying anything.

To be clear as far as the domestic stuff I feel we have different expectations and I am fine with that but part of me dealing with that is having time to keep the house how I like it so when you increase our debt I feel I have to work even more which means I work more to get money as well as at home.

At this point it's probably useful for you to know a few facts about our life.  Over the last twelve years we have paid off (thanks to house price increases) around £70-80,000 of debt.  Apart from around £10,000 the rest was accrued on credit cards owned solely by my husband.  He is extremely unreliable financially.  For the first two years after our daughter was born he refused me access to our household money, making me ask for and justify all spending to him.  At the same time, he was running up £1000s in debt.  He will still deny this to the hilt and say we were equally to blame, although I in fact had no access to these cards. 

He refused to go bankrupt and after a very stressful time financially, I made a plan and we set up a budget.  Part of this plan was that irregular costs (Christmas, birthdays, car MOT etc etc) would be paid for with a credit card that we accrued points on, and we would pay off a fixed amount per month over the year so that by the end of the year the balance should be zero.  This arrangement only started in November.  During December I duly paid for all Christmas and our son's birthday expenses on the credit card, as agreed.  However, due to the fact that we'd just started the budget or whatever, we didn't pay the fixed amount over to the credit card for Nov/Dec.  Therefore in January the credit card statement showed a large balance. 

This is what my husband was fuming over.  He thinks I 'ran up a debt' without him knowing.  Despite the fact that I stuck within budget for all items (well below for Christmas actually) this is what started the initial crisis off.

My reply to this was:

I think that you actually do not have a realistic idea of what i do do at home, because to describe my life in any way as self-focussed is ludicrous.  But as i said, this is not something i am really willing to discuss forever more. 

Thanks to The Book I now know fully well that he knows exactly what I do at home but chooses to ignore it so that he can continue to criticise and feel justified for doing so.

I was expecting his reply when it came:

Saying you are self focused is no more ludicrous than trying to label me as controlling

you really upset me by constantly saying that, when I think of the really nasty people you hear about who actually do control their partners and you say i am like that, I dont think you have a realistic idea of who I am. You want me to agree with everything you do whether it affects me negatively or not, that is controlling.

My husband has punched me when I was heavily pregnant, kicked me out of bed, held me by the throat to the wall, pinched me hard continuously, threatened to kill our baby, accused me of adultery repeatedly, kicked doors in, and served me up fourteen years of constant verbal and emotional abuse.  Yet he is not one of those 'nasty people'. 

Bancroft states clearly that when you do finally 'call them' on their controlling behaviour they will turn reality on it's head and accuse you of being controlling.  So his email was no surprise.