Day 1 - emails

The morning after the night before that I describe in my initial post.  I emailed the following to dh:

I can't believe this.  Only a few days ago I was genuinely thinking that 'we' had changed and would not be doing this again.  But then, I obviously believed some things were resolved that clearly weren't.  So we are here again.

You are right, I believe that the time has come for us to separate.  For a few reasons.

Firstly, these issues which have been the same and ongoing for what, 10 years or more?  Clearly no matter how much discussion takes place they can't be resolved.  I have no desire to be discussing my behaviour and whether or not it is good enough ever again, let alone when I'm 40/50/60.

Secondly, I no longer will accept the manner of which you talk to me during these times.  The swearing, the general disrespect and rudeness.  If I ever spoke to you like that you would flip out.

Thirdly, this insistance that our problems are largely my fault because I haven't had counselling to deal with childhood issues.  I know that this is something you've identified as a way of shifting any blame from you to me. 

The problem I have is that you want to control my behaviour, because you believe you have some right to tell me what I should do, how I should spend my time etc.  You don't have that right, in any way, in my opinion.  The idea that the problem here is me because I won't allow you to control me is an odd one and one I don't accept.

The problem of your disrespectful language and behaviour is also not anything that we have an issue with as a result of my childhood experiences.

I know the problems from your side of the argument are different and you think I'm over sensitive to your opinions and perceived (actual) criticism.  But really I genuinely think the problem is that you want things a certain way, and can't accept that I feel differently and am not willing to be unhappy in an attempt to try to fulfil your expectations.

So, I don't want to continually be having the same arguements and discussions til the day I drop dead, and I don't want to have the uneasy feeling of not being good enough any more.  I have never had this feeling before, I know I can live quite happily without having that feeling again.

Therefore, I want our relationship to end.  I would be open to the idea of relate again if I honestly believed it would make a difference, but I genuinely think it won't  But maybe worthwhile going to get through the separation.

He replied later on in the day to some of the points that I made:

Secondly, I no longer will accept the manner of which you talk to me during these times.  The swearing, the general disrespect and rudeness.  If I ever spoke to you like that you would flip out.

Sorry that i swore, when people get angry they swear and shout - its a natural reaction, (belittling and minimising the abuse) i know it is scary to see/hear and try to keep it under control but i am only human

Thirdly, this insistance that our problems are largely my fault because I haven't had counselling to deal with childhood issues.  I know that this is something you've identified as a way of shifting any blame from you to me. 

Maybe the stuff that happened to you has had no affect on you at all, I think it is reasonable to at least accept the possiblity it may have and to not even consider this as somethng that could be looked at as you wanting to blame me not the other way round. (twisting around the truth, messes with your mind!) As you have (understandable) not wanted to explore this option i feel if it is one area that we havent tried.

The problem I have is that you want to control my behaviour, because you believe you have some right to tell me what I should do, how I should spend my time etc.  You don't have that right, in any way, in my opinion.  The idea that the problem here is me because I won't allow you to control me is an odd one and one I don't accept.

 The problem you have is that you dont understand we live together and your actions/ inactions affect me and visa versa, if you feel that you need to do a writng course, help do the community group website, relax and discover yourself then thats fine (belittling my contribution in the home and totally unrealistic portrayal of my life) you are your own person and i have never wanted to control your behaviour. (outright lie) My problem is going out to work (my own choice I know) that helps you afford your relaxing self focused lifestyle (again, redefining the reality of our lives), and having to do household chores when I get back rather than being able to relax with my kids, (Exaggerated view of his contribution which was always low but has reduced to absolutely minimal) I find it stressful that you are home most of day then leave it till I am back to go shopping / cook dinner as this then means the time we have as a famly is reduced, but you would rather sacrifice this than 'being able to do whatever it is makes you happy and not stressed' (the fourth time in one email that he has redefined reality)

I live here as well and you have always shown little to no respect to how I like OUR house/life to be. (this is typical.  Because I have asked him not to belittle me and stop trying to control how I live my life, he has reversed reality - saying that I am disrespectful and his behaviour is NORMAL)

The problem of your disrespectful language and behaviour is also not anything that we have an issue with as a result of my childhood experiences.

I know the problems from your side of the argument are different and you think I'm over sensitive to your opinions and perceived (actual) criticism.  But really I genuinely think the problem is that you want things a certain way, and can't accept that I feel differently and am not willing to be unhappy in an attempt to try to fulfil your expectations.

So, I don't want to continually be having the same arguements and discussions til the day I drop dead, and I don't want to have the uneasy feeling of not being good enough any more.  I have never had this feeling before, I know I can live quite happily without having that feeling again.

Therefore, I want our relationship to end.  I would be open to the idea of relate again if I honestly believed it would make a difference, but I genuinely think it won't  But maybe worthwhile going to get through the separation.

I cannot see either of us changing our expectations of the other, we have tried to get along despite and it works for a while and then ths happens. I dont know how we will break up,  i think we will have to go bankrupt so at least you will get something you wanted out of it. 

I intend over the following weeks to go into much more detail about how my husband has been emotionally abusive.  It is possibly difficult to see it in this email, without a real picture of our lives (very traditional, I look after four children, three home-educated, I do my husbands accounts, I do 90% of the housework and cooking, all of the household shopping, all of the research and paperwork to do with running a house and family.  I have almost completed a distance learning degree.  My youngest has a suspected Autistic Spectrum Disorder which means that I have been solely responsible for bedtime and sleeping for the last five years and been unable to go out in an evening or overnight.

My husband works and does 2-3 hours of 'chores' a week.  He generally works 7.30 - 4pm Mon-Weds, but often gets off early and then does a 8-5 or 6 on a Thurs and Fri.  Every other month he might have a week or two where he works til 8 or 9pm.   Around half the other time he doesn't work the Friday or finishes early.

This is our reality, but not if you listen to my husband.