Enjoying the sunset

It's funny the things that I'm noticing, the things I'm becoming aware of.

It's taking me a while really to feel less jumpy at home.  Not jumpy, freaking out, but jumpy-just-a-little-bit-anxious.  I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, always felt an air of disapproval and suspicion from my husband.  Was never 100% comfortable.  If I was, it didn't last long. 

So as I've been living with just the children I have started to relax and remember things.... like....

Driving along I saw a lovely sunset, with hues of orange, pink and red.  I always feel awe and peace with a lovely sunset.  Then it popped into my head - the number of times that I've said "what a lovely sunset" to have my husband respond "that's not a sunset".  When I would question what he meant it would usually end up with some cutting or patronising remarks that made me wish I never mentioned the damn sunset.  This time I said to the kids "look at that lovely sunset" and felt a little bit of me relax knowing that nobody was going to ask me what the hell I was talking about or say that 'nobody would think that was a decent sunset'.

Or as I was driving home after our group I wasn't worrying about what to cook that would be ready quickly but wouldn't be met with a disapproving look or a 'oh, just pasta' type of comment.  Or worse, if I am running late, a barrage of questions that began along the lines of 'I thought your group finished at 3.30?' and ended with him making out I was a liar for  saying it usually finished at 3.30 when *clearly* it didn't always finish at 3.30, and leave me feeling bad but not sure why... because after all I was only 20 minutes later than usual... and... but... and.... oh.  That sort of feeling.

I have spent a lot of time moving around stuff too.  I've moved the shoe-rack to near the door ("why on earth would anyone want to put the shoe rack there?  It blocks the window"), I've taken out a huge shelf unit that was always 1/2 empty and totally inappropriate for the bathroom,  I've cleared out all the old chemical cleaners that I didn't want to have ("Oh please.  That 'green' stuff is crap, it doesn't work." or "They talk such rubbish to sell that stuff, who would fall for that" type comment) etc etc.

We've been thinking about the dog and the hens we've wanted to get for a while.  The children are really interested in animal rescue work and we have wanted to rescue some battery hens and give them a good home in the garden.  And we also want another dog as a companion for our dog, for when we are out of the house sometimes during the day.  However, of course dh just kept saying we didn't have the time (read: I didn't have the time as I wasn't even keeping up with all the jobs he thought I should be doing, let alone more) and we didn't have the money (read: he didn't want to spend the money on *that*).

I signed up for the next two modules of my Open University course.  I gave up the course last year just because of the sheer grinding down of having my husband tell me constantly that I didn't have the time for a course (see above), that he would like to do a course too but he didn't have the time (read: unlike some of us who do 'f. all' in the house), that when he saw me doing any work for my course he had a knot of anger in his stomach because in his opinion I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO A COURSE (or anything else that is not beneficial for the family (read: him) despite the fact I did NOTHING else for myself).

Anyway, skedaddled off on a rant there.  I am very excited about my course.  My previous courses have been in creative writing ("is that the kind of stuff that goes on in your head?  You're sick" was the only response to the only story of mine he ever read, which was a short thriller) but my next courses are: a short course introducing counselling and following that a module on early years research, looking at research and ethics of working with very young children.  I'm really excited about both.

Mainly I have been getting used to the fact that if I've had a busy day I can sit down for ten minutes and read a book without disapproval, or read or write a blog without disapproval, or eat pasta for 2 days in a row without disapproval.... or whatever!

It's starting to feel a little liberating, being free to be myself.  But I'm nowhere near *there* yet.  I'm still feeling for those boundaries and feeling surprised that they are not there.