Monday, 18 April 2011

A good week

I've had a great week.

It's around two weeks since I saw clearly that my husband hasn't and won't change to a level that I'm happy with and want to welcome back into my life.  And also, I decided that I've put my life and soul into this man for nearly fifteen years and I no longer want to do that in the hope that it will support him and he will change and become the loving, caring man that I hoped he would.  I know he'll never be that.  It will always be a struggle.  And I am no longer up for that struggle.

Since then I've been feeling so positive.  So happy and content.  I know that this is the right path for everybody involved, including all of my children.  Growing up in an environment that is joyous, fun, happy and relaxing as opposed to tense and anticipatory - that is what will give my children the best start possible!

I have been attending some work-related workshops, which have been a lot of fun and very creative.  I've been so enjoying my autonomy.  Unless you've ever lost your autonomy, you won't know the magnificence of it!  I am reveling in it right now :-D

Last night I had a dream about my husband that involved a large and dangerous looking climb with only a thin cushion in case you fell.  People around were convincing me that I'd be OK and should make the climb, but I stood firm and said no because it was dangerous and I might die.  I really felt that this represented my relationship.  I know what is the best for me and my children (people were convincing me to take my kids on the climb, that they'd be fine and I should stop being silly as it wasn't dangerous).

Then I woke up and my fingers were swollen and really hurting, and I had to get my wedding rings off.  They were swollen so it was difficult to get them off, but finally I managed it (with sore knuckles!) and then my fingers went back to there normal size.  This has never happened before so I was surprised, but now the wedding rings are off, I'm actually intending them to stay off because it feels right.

So, great leaps and bounds forward for me.  My husband left three months ago tomorrow.  The last three months have been absolutely tumultuous.  The mix of emotions and ups and downs I have been through have been extreme and difficult at many times.  But, my god, it's been worth it and I am so thankful that this happened and I've had the strength to see it through!

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