Whose fault is it anyway?

Dh popped by the children's club today.  We were together for over an hour watching them take part. 

He obviously wanted to talk, or to reconnect, to reassure himself all is not totally lost.  You may find this bizarre after reading of things that have happened.

He has been talking to his mum daily over the last ten days, telling her about the abuse.  She was disbelieving at first but as he is explaining exactly what he has done (well, probably not *exactly* but as near as he can bear) they are discussing a lot about dh' dad.  Apparently everything dh says he was like, she says 'your dad did that'.  His mum and dad divorced when dh was around 17 years old. 

I think they are on a little journey of discovery together.  Dh plans to send her The Book to read (it is very validating and clarifying for anyone who has been abused) but as she's about to have a major operation, he is going to wait for a couple of months.

Naturally, she has now started to blame herself for not leaving or doing something about it earlier.  Apparently the evidence does clearly show that the single most dominating factor in whether men become verbally or emotionally (or physically maybe) abusive is that their father was abusive in this way. 

Questions running through my mind now:

• Is DH trying to pin the blame on his mum or dad, rather than take responsibility for his own actions?
• If so... well, is that all wrong? 
• Or is he totally to blame? 
• What does this mean for our children? 
• Are they destined to continue this cycle?
• How can I break it? 
• Is it too late?
• Will Dh actually change if all he is doing is transferring blame for his behaviour from me to his parents?

As you can see, confusion still reigns supreme.  I am not sure how to even respond to these discussions.  It will be a while before I can truly sense my gut reactions, I guess, and probably even longer til I can trust and believe them.

Another thing today was that DH asserted that he did (abuse) the same as his dad but 'not as badly'.  Again, I don't know because I wasn't there and don't know his dad very well.  But, this sounds like slipping back into minimising his behaviour to me....  Again, didn't know how to respond so just looked at him.

Then he said that The Book laid 'everything' out really clearly and practically... though 'harshly'.  Then he looked at me and I replied 'no, realistically' and he shrugged.

These little exchanges and conversations keep confusing me a little, because I'm not sure how to respond.  I feel my senses and reactions are still dulled from years of 'keeping the peace' and 'holding my emotions in' because they were too overwhelming for dh. 

And I'm so tired after yet another 5am early wake up of racing thoughts <sigh>

Oh, why is this feeling like such a long road?

Why Does He Do That, 3 copies in the post.

So, my new 'Bible': Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men I ordered three copies from Amazon last week.  I got them at the beginning of the second week of separation.

My plan was - one copy for my sister who has been out of a very physically violent relationship for over ten years but still struggles with it all.  I think it will be really helpful for her.

One copy for me.  I've been reading a copy on loan from the library but was unable to highlight anything obviously.  So I was looking forward to sitting down with a pen and a bunch of those mini post-it's to go through the book so that I could find info that was useful easily.

The third copy.  Well, this was going to be a risk but my plan was to give it to my husband to read.  I didn't know what might happen, but I will stick my neck out and be painfully honest here and say that the small ray of hope somewhere deep inside that has so stubbornly refused to die out was still shining strong.  Somewhere inside me is the hope that he might read it, see the truth for what it was, seek help with an abuser programme, be one of the tiny minority to see it all the way through, be one of the tinier minority who *actually* change for good and then we might actually have a healthy, happy relationship.

I know in my head that this probably ain't gonna happen.  But that ray of hope is a dratted, stubborn thing that seemingly can't be stamped out.

My head was telling me to be careful, he'll go mad when he even sees this book.  But I couldn't help but hope, for him - for me - for us - for the family, that it might start off the journey that leads something I've always hoped for.

My husband was having the children on the Saturday and Sunday (day 8 and 9) so my plan was to give him a bag of his stuff and put the book in it at the bottom.  Then when he would be back at his place I would text him.