Update - 4 month anniversary

It's just over 4 months since my husband and I separated.  I thought an update might be good.  I haven't blogged for about 3 weeks now, about this.

Mainly because it has felt like not much has changed, though I'm sure it has.  I'm still having my therapy sessions, which I have found uplifting and have an extremely positive impact on my life.  I've been practising relaxations and visualising my 'safe place' lately.

My husband is still going to his abuse course, though I have told him that I am no longer willing to discuss everything that they raise on the course.  In fact, nothing that they raise on the course.  He was using those discussions as a way to beat me with his opinions over and over again and he actually wasn't interested at all in hearing my point of view.  As I then felt like crap I decided that this was no longer going to be happening.

I'm just carrying on with life as usual.  I'm seeing friends, enjoying having me time, enjoying making my home more homely and doing things I couldn't do before.  I'm having fun.  I've also moved from acute fear, anxiety and grief into just general disappointment about my marriage.  I am just disappointed in him and everything that has happened.  Because I thought it would be different, so I guess it's natural to be disappointed.  Disappointed I can live with much easier than acute grief so I'm guessing this is steps forward!  :-D

I'm also starting to wonder if/how we will be able to form some kind of relationship so that we can parent the children.  Obviously we'll need to have discussions, we'll probably have disagreements and so on.  So how we will resolve them I don't know.  I don't want us to be like two different families, for the children.  It would be nice to be able to be 'grown up' about it - to get together and do things together sometimes, to discuss issues or problems as they arise.  Whether this is possible in the context of a formerly abusive relationship I just don't know.

--
When I think back to how I was feeling four months ago I am so relieved that the early days of the separation are over.  It's odd to be on an even keel so I sometimes feel deflated strangely.  I'm used to intense highs and lows and not much 'on the level' so it feels odd.  I'm getting used to it.

Mainly, I'm much happier and looking forward to a more positive future.

In a perfect world...

I'd shout, I'd scream, I'd cry.  Why have you done this to me?  Why are you doing this to us?  Did you never love me?  Have you never cared?  Did you do this stuff on purpose?  Have you set out to own me, to control me, to hurt me?  Do you love me?  Really?  I want to know!

And you'd look at me and see.  You'd say I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry for everything.  I love you so much.  I care so deeply.  I'm so sorry that I've hurt you so much.  I will do whatever it takes.  I will never do this again.  I'm sorry.

And you'd mean it.  And you'd never do that again.  And we'd be able to live Happily Ever After.

In a perfect world, none of this would have happened.  You'd have loved me, cherished me, cared deeply.

Unfortunately this is the real world and it's shit.

Why can't he....

I'm going through another yearning/grief-y sort of phase again, unfortunately.  It's one up from feeling sad and miserable as per last week, but I can't wait for the next positive, cheery, happy phase to start!

I so wish that he would suddenly realise how wrong he's been, how much he loves me, what a nice and loving person I am, how he'd never again want to do anything to hurt me, that he wants nothing more than me and our family together.  I wish he could just realise that he's abusive and wrong and change it.

Why can't he just do that?  Is it really so much better and more satisfying to have this alternative?  Us not together, no family life, seeing the children less often etc?  Well, it must be because that is what he is choosing.

I'm not surprised.  He has told me he enjoys his freedom, having his own place, not having to 'answer to me'.  And, unfortunately I suppose, these things are actually worth more to him than I or our family are.  Maybe there is another woman on the scene - that would explain a lot of things.

Of course, none of this *should* matter to me.  For some reason, right now, it does.

Because unfortunately right now I can't help yearning for what I've never had but always hoped for.  A loving, respectful, joyful and lifelong relationship with A.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I've never had it, but I've worked bloody hard to try to make it happen.  I now realise, of course, that it won't ever happen.  He can't be those things because he is abusive.  I'm grieving the loss of something I've spent 15 years hoping for.  Nothing more tangible than that.

So, pulling myself up by my non-existent boot straps and trying to boost myself over this down and into the nearby up.  I know it's coming and I know it'll be great and will last a good few weeks.  I've booked a haircut tomorrow, I've decided to give myself some money to spend on clothes and shoes and books, and I'm going to go for coffee and to the cinema.  That should give me a lovely boost and hopefully I'll be super cheerful by tomorrow evening!

I thought...

You were the one
You loved me
You'd never cheat
We'd grow old together
We liked each other
You liked me
We were meant to be together
I'd laugh more than cry
My dreams might come true
Our children would have married parents
Our children would have a secure home
It would be different for us
We were it

What a fucking idiot I am

Unfortunately I sent this to my husband last night.  I was pre-menstrual and feeling very emotional and full of sadness and grief.  Even while I was feeling this I knew that it was totally hormone-related and that I should wait for it to pass.  But I couldn't stop myself, literally the hormonal feelings were overwhelming and I sent the first email in 3 weeks to him. 

Of course, I woke up this morning and am feeling back to normal but so cross with myself for opening up this line of communication.

He has already replied:

I hope you can still have those thoughts about me

I mean, this just baffles me.  After everything that's happened recently...?  Really?

I am trying to objectively observe my feelings and emotions now.  I am feeling back on an even keel and not full of sadness or grief like yesterday (thanks, hormones!) but I am having various feelings as a direct result of this email exchange.

Hope
Yes!  I can't believe this!  I am feeling the familiar stirrings of a tendril of hope.  Sometimes I despair of myself!  What on earth will it take to stamp this stupid hope out?  I have 15 years of experience to know that this hope is utterly in vain.  I was expecting him to respond along the lines of 'yes, I thought that too' but instead he responded as above and I start thinking ... 'maybe...'. 

Relief
I have been content and happy with no longer communicating about the relationship, us, the abuse etc etc.  But not communicating raises my anxiety levels slightly.  So, a tiny bit of me feels relieved to have started to communicate again.  I know that this (and 'hope') are a result of the process of traumatic bonding.  But it doesn't stop how real that it is.

So, in a bid to not be 'sucked in' I am taking to trying to just observe and then release these feelings rather than internalise or act upon them.  I am going to continue with 'no contact' and not reply to this email.

This is what Lundy Bancroft says on the topic of Traumatic Bonding:

"Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally, he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person, male or female, has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person. When a man stops screaming at his partner and calling her a "useless piece of *(%@" and instead offers to take her on a vacation, the typical emotional response is to feel grateful to him. When he keeps her awake badgering her for sex in the middle of the night and then finally quiets down and allows her to get some of the sleep that she so desperately craves, she feels a soothing peace from the relief of being left alone.

Your abusive partner's cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause. I commonly hear an abused woman say about her partner, 'He really knows me,' or 'No one understands me the way he does.' This may be true, but the reason he seems to undersand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it's another illusion; if he could really be empathetic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good."

A good week

I've had a great week.

It's around two weeks since I saw clearly that my husband hasn't and won't change to a level that I'm happy with and want to welcome back into my life.  And also, I decided that I've put my life and soul into this man for nearly fifteen years and I no longer want to do that in the hope that it will support him and he will change and become the loving, caring man that I hoped he would.  I know he'll never be that.  It will always be a struggle.  And I am no longer up for that struggle.

Since then I've been feeling so positive.  So happy and content.  I know that this is the right path for everybody involved, including all of my children.  Growing up in an environment that is joyous, fun, happy and relaxing as opposed to tense and anticipatory - that is what will give my children the best start possible!

I have been attending some work-related workshops, which have been a lot of fun and very creative.  I've been so enjoying my autonomy.  Unless you've ever lost your autonomy, you won't know the magnificence of it!  I am reveling in it right now :-D

Last night I had a dream about my husband that involved a large and dangerous looking climb with only a thin cushion in case you fell.  People around were convincing me that I'd be OK and should make the climb, but I stood firm and said no because it was dangerous and I might die.  I really felt that this represented my relationship.  I know what is the best for me and my children (people were convincing me to take my kids on the climb, that they'd be fine and I should stop being silly as it wasn't dangerous).

Then I woke up and my fingers were swollen and really hurting, and I had to get my wedding rings off.  They were swollen so it was difficult to get them off, but finally I managed it (with sore knuckles!) and then my fingers went back to there normal size.  This has never happened before so I was surprised, but now the wedding rings are off, I'm actually intending them to stay off because it feels right.

So, great leaps and bounds forward for me.  My husband left three months ago tomorrow.  The last three months have been absolutely tumultuous.  The mix of emotions and ups and downs I have been through have been extreme and difficult at many times.  But, my god, it's been worth it and I am so thankful that this happened and I've had the strength to see it through!

My art

As part of my counselling session last week my counsellor asked me to complete two pictures.  One to illustrate my emotions now:

and my emotions as I want them to be after the counselling:

The first one represents the 'light at the end of the tunnel' and the swirling emotions that are going on most of the time.

The second one is showing how I hope that life will be mainly peaceful, light and happy but obviously still some emotions here and there.

My views and what I won't accept - email discussion

In response to an email/ text exchange last week I finally composed a reply and sent it to my husband.  I have had a very busy week, with family birthdays and a bereavement that means I haven't been able to reply until today.

This is what I wrote to him:

I don't think this discussion was really resolved.  I'm not sure it can be right now.  I want to talk a bit about some thoughts that arose out of this discussion (by email and text). 

The first thing, I mentioned to you on Friday.  Do you honestly believe that I have been "emotionally abusive for the majority of our relationship"?  Is this what you really think?   

Secondly, I don't want to be involved in dissecting the minutiae of our distant past relationship.  I can understand that this may be an important part of the process for you, but for me it isn't helpful at all - in fact it is detrimental.  I can only think that when you need to discuss things like this that you do it at your group and see if they can help you dissect and analyse your motives/feelings/actions back then (or mine).   

I am comfortable (at the moment) discussing things that arise from the group that you want to talk over in relation to our relationship now or going forward... ways of thinking you are not sure about or opinions you hold or values you hold and how I feel about them, all that stuff.  But I am choosing not to go over and over things that happened a long time ago.  You can still do that, but not with me.  I'm sorry if that makes anything difficult for you, but I have to do it. 

I will tell you this now - I was not emotionally abusive.  I might have done some idiotic, stupid things in the past but I am not an abusive person and I don't hold abusive values or attitudes.  This is a deal breaker for me.  I will not accept you telling me that I am or was.  If you believe this, and this belief can not change then that is something that will put an end to our relationship.   

In fact, it may help to know a few things that are deal breakers.  If any of these things continue to be part of your opinion and values then I am not going to continue the relationship.  If you continue to believe that:

• I am an abusive person.

• I am any of the things you have characterised me as: selfish, lazy, condescending, self centred, unfaithful

• You have any right to tell me how to live my life or spend my time, in any way

I think those are the main things that I won't live with any longer.  I don't know if you want or have or can change your views on these things.  I'm sure more might come up and if so I will let you know.

Edited to add my husband's response:

Pre-therapy email to my new counsellor

She asked me to email her with information about what I am wanting to achieve through counselling, what I am going to counselling for.  I'd already emailed her some background information.  I struggled to figure this out, but had to email something so this is what I wrote:

The situation at the moment is that my husband and I have been separated for about two-and-a-half months.  We would have been together for fifteen years this year.  I would say that we are separated at the moment, but that no definite decision has been made (by me) about whether or not our relationship will continue.  I am waiting to see how things go on his abuser programme, and in the mean time I am trying to get on with my life.  I suppose this puts me slightly in limbo, in that it's not definitely finished or continuing, but as far as I can see this is for the best at the moment - for me. 

I feel like I've been through the shock and grief and sorrow during the first couple of months.  I honestly didn't know what was going on in our relationship - I knew we had major issues and problems that we could never get over, no matter what I did, but realising that *the* major issue was that my husband's behaviour was abusive was a big shock.  I felt a lot of anger, mixed in with pure sorrow and grief.  It might sound ridiculous that I wouldn't have known - especially considering there were 3 incidents of physical/sexual violence, but the vast majority of it was emotional abuse which was much more difficult to identify.   

So, I've been trying to unravel the truth I suppose.  One of the major problems was my husband's insistence that I was a person that I just didn't recognise as myself.  He said I was lazy, selfish, sarcastic, condescending etc and that I had some kind of 'warped' idea of myself as some kind of angel.  Obviously I just knew that what he said wasn't true.  Nobody else said those things and I have quite a lot of friends and acquaintances.  He said that they didn't live with me so didn't know the truth.  Combined with all the other crazy making stuff - him minimising things I felt, denying things he'd said or done, telling me I was misunderstanding things, re-defining my emotions and intentions into negative ones etc etc.  I was, during the last few years, struggling to understand whether my perceptions were just plain wrong.  I wondered how other people viewed me, because I obviously had such an incorrect picture of the kind of person that I was.   

However, through all this, there was a small part of me that just knew the truth and couldn't be persuaded.  He had even resorted to telling me that I hadn't 'gotten over' my childhood (pretty crap) and I just didn't know it.  That my childhood *was* what the problem was in our relationship.  That it had given me no idea of what a healthy relationship was.  He was telling me all the time that I was still effected by all this stuff and twisted around things I'd said to illustrate this fact.  I started to doubt myself and wonder if I just was majorly in denial and unable to recognise all these faults and issues in myself.  I almost had a breakdown about a year ago due to this.  I managed to pull myself back.  Obviously childhood issues can impact hugely, but I've talked and thought a lot about everything that happened during my childhood and I feel actually OK about it.  I can't change it and I don't feel like it's a big part of my life now - I have talked endlessly with my sister about everything and just feel OK.  I don't know how else to describe it, really.  I now believe this was another way my husband was trying to undermine my self-perception and ultimately blame me for everything wrong in our marriage. 

I suppose one thing stops me from just ending the relationship completely.  That is that my husband (and two of our children) have Asperger's Syndrome.  I know from experience how rigid this makes his thinking and how incredibly difficult it is for him to process new information and change his mind about something he has decided.  I know that his father was emotionally abusive, and his mother (with Asperger traits too) decided that some things (money, security) were more important than others (love, fidelity, honesty).  I honestly think that growing up with Asperger's Syndrome in this household that he became hard-wired to believe that this was a healthy and normal relationship.  I suppose in a way I can't blame him for his behaviour as much as I would someone without Asperger's?  Maybe that's a ridiculous thing to think... I don't know. 

Obviously I have to draw the line somewhere, and if it ends up that he just can't change his core values and attitudes then that will be the end because I don't want to repeat the same mistakes with our children. 

So, goals for counselling.  I suppose I want to get to a point where I believe my own perceptions, where I trust myself.  There is a small part of me that does, but a larger part that seeks approval and confirmation from those around me.  I was never like that before I was with my husband, and I want to get back to being the person I really am.  The confident, laid-back, fun person - yes, maybe with heaps of issues, but generally OK and happy.  I've lost that along the way.  I've become serious, anxious and doubtful.  My children don't know the real me really, because it's been covered for so long and that makes me feel incredibly sad. 

I would also like to be confident in my ability to be on my own, and to be able to provide for myself and my family and not to worry so much about that. 

I'm sure there are lots of other things, and apologies if I have rambled on for ages and not said much that is what you wanted or can be used! 

I look forward to talking to you tomorrow

Accusations

If you are able to follow the blog, you will see that we've had some hot dialogue since the weekend.  The dialogue continued last night by text:

DH:  I don't know what I think or what to say, from your message it is clear we dcisagree with things that happened in the past, when I see you I don't care about it, when I think of us together as a family it seems futile and petty to bring up the distant past.  But as the other night proved sometimes I can't let it go.

ME:  I may well not be remembering it as it happened - I just can't remember, it's so long ago and so insignificant for me.  I can only comment on those things i can drag from my memory..but just think how does this stuff matter?  I just don't get it... Maybe it would help to think about why you want to bring this up and what exactly you WANT me to say - I presume there is something?  Agree with you?  Apologise for being insanely jealous in the past just like you?  Tell you I am just as much to blame for everything as you?  Just what do you want from this discussion?  I can only presume it is the blame game again?

DH:  Each individual thing may seem insignificant but all put together they make the abusive stuff a chronic problem (I am baffled by this statement) so when we don't agree on what happened I find difficulty in addressing my abusive behaviour because I don't want to apologise for things I don't see as my wrong behaviour, when I see it that it was you in the wrong sometimes.

I have been asking myself the same question all day.  I thought I would be happy knowing that you felt some of our problems were your responsibility.  You have done that so am I now changing the goalposts?  I suppose so.  It was fine until Sunday.  I think I feel you have only got the right to challenge me on certain aspects as I believe for the  majority of our relationship you have used emotional abuse against me, but as Lundy says I can't challenge you on that as I am the main perpetrator.  So I feel if you don't look at your side then you cannot judge me about mine.  I know this is probably text book abuser mentality, I am not saying it to start another row, I am being truthful to how I feel.

I am, once again (tiresomely), astonished.  I can't believe that he thinks I have been emotionally abusive for the 'majority of our relationship'.  I didn't know that he believed this.  It's so wrong, but yet so expected that it makes me feel a mixture of pity and sorrow. 

Basically, any normal reactions that were objecting to his poor behaviour he cites as 'abusive' because I was trying to stop him doing what he wanted.  Anything I did to challenge his abuse is also considered abusive.  I am going to ask him for a list of my abusive traits and incidents to see exactly what is going on in his mind!

What was on his mind..

So, we had the disastrously depressing 'date' night on Sunday that did not end well.  Yesterday (Tuesday) morning, first thing I received the following email:

I feel a bit dissappointed about last night, i was really looking forward to it and treating it like a date. I think that it was a mistake on mybehalf to expect a light hearted chat with some amiable comments on our relationship and how things are going. On a positive note i would rather flush out all my abusive thoughts now and so having disagreements/discussions i hope will prove constructive in the long run.

 

I felt my 'hackles' (is that the word) raise when you said that you feel i would rather have a doormat wife. I understand how through my abusiveness it is a logical conclusion to think that, but i find it very difficult to label myself like that. I would say that in any relationship abusive/ non abusive /personal/lbusiness etc that each party would like the other to agree with them, so looking at our relationship where i have been abusive and it is personal i cannot think of any discussion/argument that we have had where I would feel happy with you just 'rolling over' to let me get 'my way'. The closest i can think of was going to Cuba.

 

I think i misunderstood your intentions for saying it at first by pointing out that you have had 'your way' through a lot of our lives as you have been very instrumental in what we do.But taking what i think you meant which was simply 'i would prefer you to be a doormat' then no not at all, any time that i have said 'why wont you just obey me' i am sure would have been said in jest and you will have probably echoed my sentiments (in jest......possibly).

 

I feel I would like to either convince you of my point of view or visa versa eg. home ed. I dont really have much self pride and would always prefer to be convinced or proved wrong than you just go along with whatever i say.

 

I dont know if you still think that about me, it would slightly bother me if you did but I understand I have given you good reason to come to that conclusion so it hopefuuly wont be a big problem.

 

this may be a problem:

 

After that i couldnt really think straight so the next part you actually may not have said anything or you may have and it may have been intentional or not and you may agree with it whether you said it or didnt;

 

before i start i want to say that i realise this is coming from a blame/accept responsibilty perspective and to clarify how i see myself:

 

My abusive behaviour is 100% mine.

You have done nothing to cause it

I display abusive behaviour without any incitement by you as well as

Reacting in an abusive way as a way of dealing with everyday problems/differences

 

However

 

I still feel i need to put some blame on you for negative parts in our relationship. A while ago you sent an email or text in which i understood that you felt that you do have some culpabilty for bad parts of our relationship but that my abusiveness has far outweighed and so you are not willing to look at your previous responsiblities. I can accept and deal with this because though i see my abusiveness as my problem that i impose on you, you do admit that our relationship had other negativities that you brought to it. In short I am not 100% to blame for our problems but 100% to blame for my abusiveness.

 

I would like to know how you feel about this.

 

when I was talking about jealousy you said you didnt understand how I could be like that. and when i said you have acted out of jealousy in the past (distant i know) you justified it because of our circumstances. I know that my depths of jealousy are a lot deeper and still current but i felt you were being slightly aloof. to analogise: you were the older alcoholic who has been on the wagon for 10 yrs telling the drunk 'i dont understand what your problem is'.

 

i cant think anymore

It felt like a spiralling down.  :-(  Yet again, back to square one - will anything ever change?  I felt so despondant and had to do a day out with the children (pre-booked and paid for) which did not go well as I felt so stressed about everything. 

Last night I sent the following reply:

Well I didn't really want to reply, but here I am replying.  If there is even any point.

I felt really down and deflated and disappointed after the other night.  To be honest I don't feel like I want to do that again.  I don't know when I will feel like doing that again.  I suppose I had idiotically built up to thinking things might be nice and believing the hype about how much you'd changed and were viewing everything differently.  Stupid.  I knew that it was all going to be pretty surface-level but I suppose extreme gullibility and stupid levels of optimism have always been weaknesses of mine.

I just think... god, I can't say anything without it needing to be analysed to death.  This isn't really conducive to me wanting to communicate on a personal level - do you know what I mean?  

As far as doormat - yes, this is what I have deduced based on your actions.  I guess I couldn't figure out what would make you happy because I never seem/seemed to be able to, and all the evidence pointed to this.  I don't really want to go looking at everything that has happened to make me think this.  I just want to do a giant sigh at this point.

Yes, you being abusive is 100% your fault.  Any other problems that we would have been able to get over probably relatively easily are probably 50/50 but your abusiveness have actually made them into giant problems that are impossible to get over.

Re: jealousy.  Again... there is 'appropriate jealousy' and 'inappropriate jealousy'.  A lot of things you have attributed to me being jealous and unreasonable are actually nonsense and I was acting normally.  I have been confused over them for a while - i.e. me being jealous of you going out.  Well, I was puzzled about that.  Actually what made you come to that conclusion was the fact that I used to (errr... 10 years ago +??!!!) react negatively to you going out.  Now, when I think about it I know that it was reasonable to feel like that based on the facts that:

1. You used to 'pop out for a drink' and then 5 hours later I'd get a call to say you weren't coming home.  This was horrible for me.  Any normal person would find this not a good way to conduct a relationship.
2. When I couldn't afford to go out you still would *on a regular basis* AND be irate with me for having a problem with this.  At best, this was totally insensitive behaviour and again, most normal people wouldn't find this ongoing an acceptable way to behave.  I even remember getting ready with you to go clubbing and then when your friend drew up in the car you shouted that there wasn't enough room for me and off you went without me!!!  That is just total arsehole behaviour!  Do you really wonder why I used to be upset with you?  

Other times I probably was jealous over stuff that I shouldn't have been and it's another one of those things that I used to do in the stupidity of youth and that I've grown out of.  Yes, it was horrible to go through and I was probably unreasonable and nasty to you over stuff that was irrelevent.  If we'd both gone through that 'natural' phase of youth and then grown out of it then we'd not have these issues - I don't know.  But based on the fact that I haven't really experienced this unreasonable and unacceptable jealousy levels for so many years it really isn't appropriate.  

I do find it unfathomable like I said before, that after everything we have been through you are still acting like that towards me.  I can't understand it.  I can only presume that nobody ever would be able to ever prove to you that they are trustworthy.  I can't really say that I know how that feels, because every time I've been in a relationship and fallen in love and come to trust someone then that jealousy hasn't been there.  

You say you have little-to-no self pride.  I suppose that's part of the low self esteem thing.  I don't know if that's linked to the jealousy.  I have no idea what is psychologically going on with all that.  I do know that I can't help you with this, because I have been (I think) trustworthy, loving, tried to be supportive etc and it's not enough.  I don't think it's made any difference, which is sad.

I'm so exhausted of trawling through every minute of our past history (every minute that might somehow shift some blame from you to me, that is)..... when will this end????  When will it be enough?  

I feel so down about the last few days.  I know it's because I was too optimistic.  But still, I feel really down.

He has texted today to say that he feels down to, and feels negatively about my reply.  I don't know or want to guess what he was hoping to hear. 

I'm just left thinking why am I even contemplating the continuation of this relationship?  What is the point?  This kind of to-ing and fro-ing is going to continue for at least another year if not more.  So, I feel like I have two options:

1. I continue as I am, wait-and-see.  Hopefully the programme and work he is doing will enable him to change his abusive attitudes and values.  If not, then in a year or two I have to go through the stress of separating totally.  So, basically 2-3 years of uncertainty, emotional overload and grief for the possibility of a 'happy ending'.
2. I decide to end the relationship fully now.  Then in a year's time I will probably be fully recovered and the uncertainty/fear/grief will be over pretty much - or minimal.

This is the choice I face.  What I have been doing is choosing option 1.  What will probably happen now is that I won't be able to decide and therefore, by default, I will be choosing option 1 still.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me?  Why can't I just move on and get over it?  What is it I am clinging on to?  The relationship has *never* been amazing or supportive or fulfilling - so why am I so reluctant to let it go?  I guess these are things I'll be contemplating over the next few days/weeks.

Feeling miserable

There are a few competing emotions going on with me right now:

1. Anxiety
2. Sadness
3. Loneliness
4. Anger
5. Sorrow
6. Confusion

Unfortunately the result of this is that I'm feeling very edgy.  I feel like I need a break from every day life and the continual mentally-exhausting cycle that I'm in thinking about my relationship, my future, my kids, my life, money etc etc.  I just need a rest.

Where are all these people I thought would be here for me?  Friends... family?  Where are they? Not here.  This means I'm trying to cope with these emotions alone for the vast majority of the time.  I'm not sure whether that is good or bad for getting through this.

First 'date night'

I had decided at the beginning of our separation that after a 'suitable time' had passed I would want to start seeing dh again, just the two of us.  Well, apparently I felt that nine-and-a-bit weeks was a suitable amount of time because we went out alone together last night (well, early evening).

He'd already been over in the afternoon finishing some jobs around the house that I can't do and that he was supposed to be doing but then obviously left.  I was doing work in the garden so it wasn't much of an issue, but then the children started playing up and acting strangely.  Obviously they were a bit unsettled and wondering what was going on.

I was leaving my youngest (5) for the first time with my eldest (16) so was worried.  He is a very anxious child.  I set up the three younger children with a DVD and popcorn in one of their bedrooms so I knew they'd be engaged for at least an hour an a half.  I explained to the kids that I was going out with daddy to have a talk.  I think this probably added to their confusion and I'm not sure it was helpful, to be honest.

We went out to a pub about 5 minutes away, had a drink together and a chat.  It was very strange.  Not only because we rarely went out alone prior to separation over the last few years, but also because of everything that's been going on.

He talked a bit about his program, what happened last week on it, some of the other guys on it etc.  We talked about how we had approached so many professionals for 'advice' on our relationship and nobody had ever picked up that the problem was abuse.  Then I mused that I used to say to him 'you should have married a doormat, that's the kind of wife you want' or something like that.  He objected, that isn't the wife he would want and X (ex girlfriend) was a bit like that but that's something he didn't like about her etc.  I just said, well you say that you don't want a doormat but all your actions show that you did.

The conversation then moved around to other things, we left and came home and had a cup of coffee.  He asked about support I was getting from the program (not a lot because I'm not local) and what I was going to do.  I mentioned the therapist I am probably going to be talking to and rambled on for a bit about what I'm hoping to get out of it (see previous post!).  He then asked the same question again and I realised he wasn't listening and hadn't been listening for a while.  At that point it all felt a bit pointless really - what I mean by that is that I had nothing to say, he had nothing to say and we were both tired.

I suddenly felt very exhausted and just wanted him to leave.  He turned at the door and apologised for being distracted and said that since I made the 'doormat' comment his head had been racing and he hadn't been able to concentrate on our conversation etc.  I just said 'Bye then' and he left.

So now, I'm feeling deflated by the whole experience and I'm not feeling like I want to repeat it!  The first half hour or so was nice, and felt like it might be useful.  After that it was aimless, wandering, pointless and in parts negative.

Whether I decide over the next week that I still want to continue with the idea of spending a couple of hours together every week - I don't know.  I think discussions about the abuse need to be done by email, for me to feel comfortable.  And I suppose what I'm wondering is - what else is there in our relationship?

and the rollercoaster goes down again

Yes, I am feeling down, lonely and stressed again.  The lows are not as low as they were before, but they are still here and I still need to deal with them.  The emotions seem to be lasting longer now... I'll feel positive and upbeat for a longer period of time but then downbeat for longer too.  But the highs are less high, the lows less low.  So it's kind of evening out a bit, if you know what I mean.

Just over two months since we separated so still obviously a long way to go.  You don't recover from a 14+ year long relationship in two months.  Of course, we are still communicating and it's not just 100% 'over'.

I'm just fed up of everything at the moment.  Fed up of stress, being on my own with the children, having money problems, uncertainty, huge responsibility.  I'm sick of it all.  I wish I could fast forward 6 months :-)

The big question.....

The period of time from when we had our final argument to my husband moving out was 24 hours.  Within a week he had rented a new flat and brought a new car.  It all felt sudden and was a real shock.

Obviously for the previous two weeks or so my husband had also been implying that we were 'about to go through a difficult time' - well he was actually saying it, not implying.  It was like he set everything up to happen like this.

Naturally, this has made friends and family suspicious.  I have also been suspicious on and off, but have had many other emotions and feelings to deal with too.  This has been the bottom of my 'to-do' list of feelings.

Anyway, he called me early evening - 5.30pm ish.  I missed the call, then my phone ran out of battery, then I put the kids in bed etc  so I didn't return the call til after 9pm.  I called twice on his home phone.  Then I called on his mobile. 

He called back and was acting so strange, talking funny, cutting things short and clearly didn't want to talk to me.  At one point I thought I heard whispering.  I asked who was whispering, he said it was the TV which I could also hear in the background, but I'm sure I heard someone whisper.  Then he said "look I'll call you tomorrow, OK".  I said OK, then put the phone down.

Clearly somebody was there.  So, now I guess it's time to suspect.  On one side, well - we are separated and I don't know if/when we'll ever get back together.  On the other side, if he so-called loves me and wants us to get back together then what is he doing if he is having an affair?  At least that will be the definite sign to me.  I will know then that there is no going back, and will have to fully mourn the marriage.  

I know I sound rational here, but I assure you I am physically shaking right now and a whirl of emotion is going through my head.  I would be utterly devastated if he is having an affair, utterly.  I would be distraught.  I still consider us as married and together, just separated while we see if the abuse programme will enable him to recognise and change his abusive behaviour.

But maybe, for him, it's just an excuse to say 'we were separated' when it becomes apparent he has had a relationship.  It doesn't matter though, because there will be nothing to excuse.  Our relationship will be finished if this is what is going on.

Now, in my bloody-mindedness and curiosity I want to call back and see if I can draw him into a discussion about us, where he declares his intention for us to get back together.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Want, not need.

Today I talked to my husband.  Sounds weird.  Obviously we have talked, briefly, over the last 6-7 weeks since we separated.  Mainly it has been practical arrangements to do with the children.  I didn't feel able, or willing, to talk to him.  Any other discussion has been done by email, as you've seen if you've been reading the blog.

Our eldest daughter's birthday is coming up which has necessitated some discussion and arrangements.  I also wanted to discuss with him how the kids are handling everything and whether we need to do anything else.  Particularly, I feel they have no idea why we separated and may be worrying about that.

Anyway, during our phone call I said to him that it's a shame he couldn't just decide to stop being abusive rather than have to go through all this.  Obviously I didn't expect a reply - it sounds like a flippant comment but it's something I've been thinking.  If he really loved me he'd just stop it.  Surely it wouldn't take months in an abuser's group to be able to do that?  I know it's the core values that need to change, not just the behaviours so I know this is over-simplistic.  But, hell, I'm in a place where I want to say what I think.

Anyway, of course he had no reply and the conversation moved on.

We discussed how difficult it is to communicate.  I said that I feel slightly in a limbo.  I don't know if we will or won't ever be together again.  I don't know how his abuser programme will go, whether he will change or anything else right now.  I don't hate him.  We aren't definitely separating forever, or definitely getting back together.  In this light, communication is a bit awkward with neither of us sure of the boundaries.  That's something I need to think about, I guess, because he is taking the lead from me.

I enjoyed the sun today, we played tennis at the park (me and the kids), they played in the playground, we had lunch at a cafe and walked the dog.  We went to the library, got books and a DVD and the kids watched the film while I read my new book with a coffee.  It was a lovely day.

At the library I paid nearly £40 in backdated fines (mainly for kids DVDs I overlooked returning during the worse part of the separation).  I paid over the money, paid for lunch, brought some groceries and came home.

I came to a few realisations this afternoon.  Firstly, I'm an adult.  I am spending my time how I want to without fear of disapproval.  This feels good.

Secondly, I am comfortable and happy in my home.  It feels like my home.  I tidy up, cook, shop, pay bills etc on my own timetable.  Nobody is looking over my shoulder, whether metaphorically or physically.  I read for an hour today, I've been online chatting to friends and it's fine!  It's just absolutely fine.

Thirdly, I am standing on my own two feet.  With a lot of assistance from the state, I admit, I am paying for my house, my debts, my bills, for food, for fuel, for clothes, for days out.  I have a plan to earn more money and am confident that I can do it myself.  Nobody telling me I'll give up if I don't like it.  Nobody to stop me giving up if I don't like it and doing something else instead!

All of this leads me to thinking that I no longer need my husband in any way.  I am my own person and am living my own life, without him.  And it's okay.  So if I no longer need him, the only reason I will get back together with him is if I want to.  And the only reason I will want to is because the relationship will be positive to me and my children.

I feel I have a bit empowered by thinking about all of this.  It's crummy at the moment, I'm up and down missing him and wishing things were different.  But I can and am handling it.  I'm not making contact when I feel like this.  I'm not allowing things to slip back.  I'm acknowledging it's shitty and I wouldn't have chosen for 'us' to end up like this.  But I'm also ramming it into my head that these feelings are temporary and that gradually I'm on an upward curve to feeling better.

In fact, it's astonishing how much has changed in such a short time.  The highs and lows are not as extreme, but more than that.  I can no longer imagine living how we used to live!  I can't imagine ever being able to handle living slightly on edge, wondering whether I am doing the right thing, feeling constantly disapproved of or not quite good enough in any way.  My god, I won't now choose that life.  Not now that I know what it is.  I choose a better life.  Sure, it's sucky in some ways - I miss my husband, I still love him, I wanted my family to stay together, finances aren't brilliant - but the positive aspects far outweigh the negative.

And I'm thinking now.  Why would I choose him, now that I know him?  If I could instead choose a relationship with someone who thinks I'm great (most of the time), who trusts me, who believes me to be a good person, who loves me, who thinks I am equal... why would I choose my husband over this other person?  My husband doesn't trust me, seems to think I'm inherently a lazy, selfish person, thinks I need to be told how to spend my time and live my life otherwise I would do nothing,  is unhappy to see me happy.

So, I suppose this just means that my husband will have a very long way to go to convince me that it's worth the risk of getting into a relationship with him.  Because the risk is great.

It has passed

Yes, the missing him feelings from yesterday have passed.

I am feeling ok again today. Phew.

Homeopath visit.

I saw the homeopath a couple of days ago.  I have been going since around August, and this was probably the fifth or so appointment.  I started going because I felt that I have lost sight of 'me' and wanted to genuinely feel free to be me.  I identified that I felt stifled and like I couldn't be myself.  I couldn't have imagined how everything would change since that first visit.  Mainly I think the remedies then were to cleanse out any toxins from my body (residual from antibiotics and vaccines) and to allow any 'issues' to surface when I was ready to deal with them.

Since then I've had remedies to help with fear, anxiety, to uncover repressed emotions etc.  Each time I've had a strong physical reaction very soon after starting the new remedies and a pretty *huge* emotional reaction has occurred more gradually over the last few months.

First up I became hyper-aware of each instance that I was changing my behaviour and what I said as a reaction to someone else.  This happened quite regularly and was nearly always to do with my husband.  I also became aware of my reactions to other people and how I was handling things.  I couldn't seem to change my reactions or behaviour initially, and wasn't frustrated by that.  I was just observing myself, in a way - which is a good way to start being myself I suppose!

Then I started re-visiting my old interests and some new ones.  I started to do things for myself - regardless of the reaction I knew I would get from my husband.  I suddenly felt like it didn't matter what he thought, and that I was Ok with that.  Prior to this I'd been always second-guessing what he thought, and always trying to minimise or negate the constant disapproval that I felt from him. 

Then, of course, suddenly just after Christmas we separated - you know the story of that!  (If you've read the blog, you do, anyway.)

As usual it was a really useful appointment.  Just going over all the emotional and physical symptoms I have had in the last 5-6 weeks since I last saw her and linking them together is very insightful.  She is also totally non-judgemental about everyone involved which is helpful when you are not sure how you feel about them on any given day anyway ;-)

So, I have now moved onto some big grief remedies to support me me through present turmoil, having finished with the anxiety and fear remedies.  I still have some tincture for when I have any major anxiety happening, but I don't need it all the time now.  My anxiety and fear have faded from constant with racing mind and sleepless nights to reactionary - just when something happens.

I am also still taking the 'uncovering repressed emotions' remedy too, so we'll see what new things happen over the next 5 weeks until I see her again. 

I was always sceptical about homeopathy, having read through the scientific data and studies (as they are) but it has cured a physical ailment of my son's and now has had a huge and profound impact on me emotionally, and physically.  I suppose the proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

Three blows in the last 24 hours

Blow number one.

I have been trying to get a job.  Mainly I just want something non-stressful, that will fit around the children and will fulfil the criteria I need to get tax credits.  Wages is not even particularly an issue, but obviously I need around £70-£90 a week ideally.

First up, I contacted a range of places that I thought I could possibly work that know me and whom I have worked for before: a shop, my old teaching job, some magazines I have written for, a friend who often needs admin help at her business.  I also had some ideas for new things - childminding 8's and overs, and houseminding while people are on holiday.

I had a reply from the shop that made me think I would be able to work there Saturdays which would be ideal.  I popped in to meet the new manager and it became clear that it's only a might, and only an afternoon a week and there was no definite idea of if/when they will let me know about the job.

Blow number two

My old teaching job.  It's a job that actually I intensely dislike.  I haven't worked for 14 months but always had it in mind as a fall back as it's very flexible and the pay is very good.  I contacted them and got a call from one of the supervising tutors to say that just before I stopped teaching 3 clients had made an official complaint about my course.  It was too unstructured, too discussion based.

So, the upshot of this is that there has to be a lengthy 'process' put in place before I will be able to teach which includes attending professional development days, being observed by the supervisors.  Also, I got upset explaining about the marriage ending and she said that they "have to make sure the clients are safe"!!  What the.... As if they would be unsafe because I am upset about separating from my husband!  Anyway, it feels like a load of barriers just got dumped in front of me.

It probably won't be 6 months til I can teach and earn some money.  I'm wondering if this is a sign that I hate the job and should do something else?

Blow number three

I need to replace the car.  It is dh's car, he has got a new one and will be cancelling the insurance.  The car doesn't have an MOT and will cost a fortune to get through one, then the insurance is through the roof because I have no no claims discount (being only a named driver on dh's policy for 11 years).  Plus, it only does 4 miles to the litre so costs a fortune to run.

The best thing is to replace the car with a smaller, newer car that is more fuel efficient and has cheaper insurance.  I found the perfect car and actually got accepted for finance and was going to pick it up this morning.  However, when I called they said that I had to bring in a passport AND driving license and my driving license is missing :-(  So I can't get it, and it'll be weeks til I can apply, send off for and receive back my new license.

Maybe it's for the best as I was going to be paying back £115 a month for 4 years, and I don't know yet how much money I have.  Maybe it's best just to buy a small, old car for £750 that is cheaper to run and not have the monthly payments.

But I'd psyched myself up and was excited to get the new car today, so am just now disappointed and feeling like everything is going against me.  Pah.

The good thing is that I have my appointment with the wonderful homeopath today which is always very helpful.

The fog nearly got me again.

Today is Tuesday.  On Sunday morning when A was picking up the children I started talking to him and he came and sat down in the living room.  We chatted for about half an hour.  About this and that, but I wanted to talk to him about this decision I need to make about a new car which has been worrying me.  I haven't made a big decision like this on my own before.  I knew that I would feel happier if he endorsed my decision.  I wasn't happy that this was what I was thinking, but couldn't seem to 'change it' if you know what I mean.

Anyway.  Afterwards I felt really happy.  The contact with him, him endorsing my decision, him being nice.  Then yesterday morning he sent me a valentine's card saying "in case you are wondering.  I love you."  I started to think about the Asperger's (see two posts previous!) and wondering if the abuse was somehow caused by the combination of the Asperger's and his father being emotionally abusive.  And whether this meant there was more hope for change than the usual abuse case.

I started to feel upset about us finishing and thought I needed to vent (see post previous to this one). Of course he replied, a long explanation about different things.  We had a text conversation last night mainly about his Abuser programme which he had the second session of yesterday.  In his reply to my email were a couple of points I needed to address including one where he had 'redefined reality'.  I went to sleep and had a poor night's sleep.

This morning I woke up and thought Oh My God.  I nearly got sucked back in there!  I nearly started discussing these disagreements to try to 'make it clear' to him because he was 'forgetting' or 'misunderstanding' what actually happened.  I was minimising the abuse in my head while looking for research on Asperger's, starting to wonder if it was that bad.  I physically felt myself disregarding and starting to 'forget' or 'explain' the worse aspects.

It's so scary to see how easily and quickly I could be sucked back in, even after a month of being separated.  I feel like I had a bit of a narrow escape there.  Dh is expecting an email back in reply to his email and I don't know what to do about that.

I know it will be important to see how the Asperger's has impacted on the abuse, but not right now.  Right now I need to focus on me, and building up self esteem and self confidence, getting counselling to help me through.  In the future it is something I might look into.  Maybe it does mean he is more likely to successfully complete the programme *and* change.  We'll see - but I don't have to worry about that right now.

Email vent to dh.

I have been having so many questions and things I wanted to say bubbling over in my mind, and decided - why am I holding back?  What exactly is there to lose?  So this morning I sent this:

I've been thinking a lot.  A lot.  There are so many things I want to talk about and to know.

 

I spoke to the woman from your abuser programme the other day.  She wasn't giving a lot of info out, and there seems to be confidentiality stuff so all I will know is if you don't attend or say you will come home and kill me by the looks of it. 

 

When I first read the book it obviously opened my eyes to a lot, and validated a lot of what I had already felt.  It made me really angry with you.  I want to know honestly from you whether you have done all this deliberately, knowing that it was abusive.  When you've blamed our problems on me and my childhood issues, were you doing it on purpose just to shirk blame?  Because I can honestly say that although things happened in my childhood, I know that actually I've mainly dealt with and am Ok about them.  Only you telling me I hadn't put doubts in my mind.  Did you do that on purpose?  Did you want me to break down?

 

Like, why did you carry on pinching me all the time when I told you not to because it hurt?  What are you really feeling when you do it?  Do you enjoy hurting me but getting away with it?

 

Do you really think I'm a slapper?  Do you think I would be sleeping with other people?  Do you want to make me feel disgusting because you say I do these things?  Or do you not care how it effects me?

 

Do you really think I'm lazy and selfish?  Why do you say that?  Do you not care about me at all?  Do you not value everything I do and have done?  Why do you want to be with a lazy, selfish slapper?  I can only believe that you don't believe these things or you would have left long ago.  In that case why have you insisted for so many years that I am this person?  Do you enjoy causing me pain?

 

Are you really just trying to control me.  Do you just want me to think/act/live for you?  Jump to your beat, provide you with your every desire and whim?  Why are you doing this?  Why have you done this?

 

Don't you want to be together?  Don't you want to be happy? 

 

Have you lied to me about anything?  I feel like you have, but I don't know.  Have you cheated on me?  I wonder if you have.  You know they say that people who accuse or are jealous are usually cheating. 

 

What the fuck is going on A?  I feel like I am trying to piece together a jigsaw but you are withholding the pieces, so how am I going to get the full picture?

 

I've often said that if we lived apart but had a relationship we could be happy.  But actually I don't think that's true.  You are jealous of my friends and think I'm having an affair with them.  You don't want me to spend time alone doing things I enjoy.  You don't want me to study and do well.  I wonder if you don't want me to be happy!  All these things are nothing to do with us living together, are they?

 

I wish you would just be 100% honest with me.  And I wish that I could believe what you say.  But I think my naiivity has done me a lot of harm over the last 14 years.

I know he has composed a reply but due to some internet problem he can't send it.  I'm dreading reading it and wondering why on earth I sent it.  But, something inside me wanted to say all these things that I've been thinking.