Update - 4 month anniversary

It's just over 4 months since my husband and I separated.  I thought an update might be good.  I haven't blogged for about 3 weeks now, about this.

Mainly because it has felt like not much has changed, though I'm sure it has.  I'm still having my therapy sessions, which I have found uplifting and have an extremely positive impact on my life.  I've been practising relaxations and visualising my 'safe place' lately.

My husband is still going to his abuse course, though I have told him that I am no longer willing to discuss everything that they raise on the course.  In fact, nothing that they raise on the course.  He was using those discussions as a way to beat me with his opinions over and over again and he actually wasn't interested at all in hearing my point of view.  As I then felt like crap I decided that this was no longer going to be happening.

I'm just carrying on with life as usual.  I'm seeing friends, enjoying having me time, enjoying making my home more homely and doing things I couldn't do before.  I'm having fun.  I've also moved from acute fear, anxiety and grief into just general disappointment about my marriage.  I am just disappointed in him and everything that has happened.  Because I thought it would be different, so I guess it's natural to be disappointed.  Disappointed I can live with much easier than acute grief so I'm guessing this is steps forward!  :-D

I'm also starting to wonder if/how we will be able to form some kind of relationship so that we can parent the children.  Obviously we'll need to have discussions, we'll probably have disagreements and so on.  So how we will resolve them I don't know.  I don't want us to be like two different families, for the children.  It would be nice to be able to be 'grown up' about it - to get together and do things together sometimes, to discuss issues or problems as they arise.  Whether this is possible in the context of a formerly abusive relationship I just don't know.

--
When I think back to how I was feeling four months ago I am so relieved that the early days of the separation are over.  It's odd to be on an even keel so I sometimes feel deflated strangely.  I'm used to intense highs and lows and not much 'on the level' so it feels odd.  I'm getting used to it.

Mainly, I'm much happier and looking forward to a more positive future.

Why can't he....

I'm going through another yearning/grief-y sort of phase again, unfortunately.  It's one up from feeling sad and miserable as per last week, but I can't wait for the next positive, cheery, happy phase to start!

I so wish that he would suddenly realise how wrong he's been, how much he loves me, what a nice and loving person I am, how he'd never again want to do anything to hurt me, that he wants nothing more than me and our family together.  I wish he could just realise that he's abusive and wrong and change it.

Why can't he just do that?  Is it really so much better and more satisfying to have this alternative?  Us not together, no family life, seeing the children less often etc?  Well, it must be because that is what he is choosing.

I'm not surprised.  He has told me he enjoys his freedom, having his own place, not having to 'answer to me'.  And, unfortunately I suppose, these things are actually worth more to him than I or our family are.  Maybe there is another woman on the scene - that would explain a lot of things.

Of course, none of this *should* matter to me.  For some reason, right now, it does.

Because unfortunately right now I can't help yearning for what I've never had but always hoped for.  A loving, respectful, joyful and lifelong relationship with A.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I've never had it, but I've worked bloody hard to try to make it happen.  I now realise, of course, that it won't ever happen.  He can't be those things because he is abusive.  I'm grieving the loss of something I've spent 15 years hoping for.  Nothing more tangible than that.

So, pulling myself up by my non-existent boot straps and trying to boost myself over this down and into the nearby up.  I know it's coming and I know it'll be great and will last a good few weeks.  I've booked a haircut tomorrow, I've decided to give myself some money to spend on clothes and shoes and books, and I'm going to go for coffee and to the cinema.  That should give me a lovely boost and hopefully I'll be super cheerful by tomorrow evening!

How I was emotionally abusive to him.

Continuing on from the emails in the previous post, my husband today replied with his information about how I was emotionally abusive to him during our 15 year relationship:

I dont think i will be telling you anything i havent said before but the things i am having difficulty in distinguishing between abuse and whatever you want to call it are:

15 yrs of being made to feel guilty if i have gone out. When i gave the example of playing football I was trying to justify for you why you should have acted so negatively about me just playing football. I can understand with the P (ex -girlfriend that he still took out when we were living together) thing why you would feel anxious about me doing anything with R (P's brother), but apart from that i can only  think of 1 thing i have done to make you 'react' in an abusive way (regarding me socialising). The other is maintaining a friendship with E (a female friend that was in love with him)  for longer than i should, from my point of view I really liked her as a friend and thought that if i broke up our friendship because i had a girlfriend it would belittle the friendship we had and suggest there was more than friendship, from her side there was and you helped me see that it was therefor inappropriate to continue a friendship with her. I dont think you have reacted or been abusive regarding this though.

Right from the beginning of our relationship you didnt like to be left at home, not that we never went out together but yes sometimes once or twice a week i would go to pub with R (his best friend) and get drunk. I dont think it was as infrequent as i would like to remember, neither was it as frequent as you would. But it was normal for a 19 - 30 yr old to do. Should i have been more understanding that you sometimes couldnt go out because of A (my eldest daughter from a previous marriage)? If I had been every other night out on the town then yes, but the frequency i was going out no, not at all. Yes when we had E  then F (two of our children) there probably were times that I should have not gone out, so when you reacted to this i put it down to your nature of wanting to control my limited social life.

This did not suddenly just stop, over the years we have both matured and that sort of thing isnt as much of an issue, R (his best friend) wedding year was pretty heavy granted.

Last year when I went to 3 peaks my phone ran out of battery and you replied to the pictures i sent you from B's phone, You sent a message brimming with support and love, B read it out to everyone on the coach and it was really nice to hear such words of love that contrasted with everything else that you had sent to my phone and conversations we had had up until a few hours before that generally revolving around 'i dont know why you had to go up the day before/ this is just another excuse for a piss up/how much money have you spent blah blah blah. Being the abusive cynic i am i assume you wanted to portray some kind of loving and supportive wife wishing your husband well. maybe you just meant it as a joke, whatever motivated you to write that stuff it was really nice and would have been nicer if the only bit of moral support you sent was when other people werent watching. Why am i banging on about this and remebering such a small and insignificant detail that as usual i am sure you have forgot because you dont hang on to things like i do. Because i think it shows you know you behave inappropriatly but in front of people like to give a different more positive image. Is it reaction to how i am with you? i dont think so, it reminds me of someone who can scold someone then turn on a sugary smile for all to see, i wonder where i'm getting that reference from. (reference to my mum)

So in general ,years of ongoing critisism of me going out, not a few isolated occassions but constantly and gradually subsiding as the years have gone on.

We have discussed this already many times and i asume your stance is still that I should have only gone out the number of times in a year that you find acceptable. This wasnt something that grew into a bigger problem as my abusiveness became more prevaillant but started right from the beginning. From when i went to that rave, we just remember from our own perspective. Looking back now i dont see why I should have gone with you, I never asked you to go, you hated the music, you hated the scene, i didnt want you there and assumed you would not want to be there. You had your own assumptions that i think were if A goes out then I go out with him.

I know it is futile and you see me as raking up the past, but when you tell me that you were not being at best clingy and at worst controlling, but reacting to my abusiveness, I do not think that that part was abusive, and it did affect our relationship right from the start for years and years.

Another part i hate thinking about is that i feel you bullied me into having kids. I dont think you can ever be ready to have a family, but you can be ready to want one. I wanted to wait. J (relate) counsellor brushed this aside when I brought it up, I will talk in [abuse programme] about it. I love my children with all my heart and i dont like to bring it up but i feel you bulldozed your agenda, and it was such a big thing.

Disagreements on jobs/where to live/ houses/ how to spend money/decorating/ raising kids etc etc.

When you said you feel you had contributed about 50/50 to our problems in the relationship I did get the wrong end of the stick. The things you have listed with the exception of money have been i think fairly healthy debates where you have had a point of view and we possibly argued and we have ended up doing what you suggested in the first place, and with hind sight your plans/objectives have served us well on those things and they were good decisions. 

I thought you may have been admitting to bringing some kind of negative feelings ( generally associated with abuse) like jealousy, control, blaming etc. All you have referenced are things that good and positive decisions have come out of. So the only things you feel you have contributed 50/50 on are positive things. You do not feel you have done anything detrimental in our relationship for the whole 15+ years except in reaction to me. Maybe you could clarify what you are thinking of when you say you have done 'stupid' and 'idiotic' things, or were you just saying that but not meaning anything at all?

This email irritated me so much, for so many reasons.  My reply:

Ok.  I have taken all the bumph out of my list and whittled it down to bullet points (as you know).  Then I've printed it out and kept it so I can remind myself of the abusive incidents and everything.  Maybe you'll find it helpful to do the same?

• 15 yrs of being made to feel guilty if i have gone out.

• you bullied me into having kids

I've read through a couple of times but I think that's the whole list?

Yes, I know I'm being flippant/sarcastic but the whole self-righteous tone of your email just brings it out.  When you compare how abusive you have been to these two points I don't know how you've got the front to harp on about this stuff.  I really don't.

I will say again.  In a relationship where I received snarky remarks and constant disapproval for doing *anything* that wasn't cleaning/cooking/with the kids (reading blogs, being online, reading a book etc) then in my opinion, it would be a natural reaction for *most* people to then be resentful when that same person goes off regularly (every 2-3 months would have been extremely frequent compared to how often I did) overnight or for longer. 

We 'remember that differently' re: you going off and leaving me.  I'm sure I said something like that I didn't have anywhere to go and maybe I could come along to see what kind of thing you like to go to, and you said 'whatever but you won't like it' kind of thing.  I reassured that I would.  I got ready, you told me the car was full and left.  So no, you didn't invite me and maybe I shouldn't have 'invited myself'?  Maybe I didn't trust you because you had sworn you weren't doing drugs any longer (which I insisted due to us moving in together with Alyssa), maybe that's why you didn't want me to come - as you said a couple of emails ago 'I didn't want you to see me off my face'.  So you obviously still were.

Again, with the four peaks.  I did ask you how come a 24 hour walk was turning into a 3-4 day jolly.  This was not me being unsupportive and not wanting you to go out anywhere as you say.  It was due to the fact that last year you were away for about 2 weeks altogether (not including the 4 peaks) without your family while we went nowhere.  So, I did think you had some front and not a lot of sensitivity to be then choosing to go off for another jolly, and yes that irritated me.  Again, most people would probably think that I reacted quite normally.  But my memory was that during the whole time you were away (while you had your phone battery on) I was supportive.  I was supportive before too and I was proud of you afterwards and think I showed it.  But it is again, the context of my reactions.  In the context of the times you went away last year and my total lack of freedom to do anything - it was actually probably quite restrained.  So, if you think I'm taking this 'you were totally unsupportive and then only nice in public' thing to heart you can think again.  Stop playing the Victim.

As far as forcing you to have kids.. I don't know what to say about that.  Yes, I did put a lot of pressure on you about this and I shouldn't have done that.  I think I've apologised in the past about that and can say 100% that I will never do that again.  Like you say, it's difficult to discuss because we both love our kids and are happy to have them.

I have to laugh when you imply that I bulldoze you into doing everything that I want.  I believe that is a totally unrealistic portrayal of our life together.  Totally.  There have been a few things that have been really important to me that I've not allowed you to bulldoze me on (specifically certain things to do with the kids, home ed, moving here to K). 

You ask what are the stupid and idiotic things that I was referring to and probably the only one is in the list at the top.  I shouldn't have been so insistent about having children and 'bulldozed' you as you say.

As far as my attitude to you going out, well - that was created in my opinion by the way you have treated me.

And so where does that leave the idea that I'm emotionally abusive?  All I see here are distractions away from the main issue (your abusiveness), trying to shift as much blame as possible from you to me, and attempts to justify your behaviour.  

I got a reply to my email pretty quickly and it was at this point that I decided to pull the plug on this ridiculous exchange that was certainly not good for my mental health or anything, really for that matter.  I know already that I can never present information or argument that would every change his mind, no matter what it is, so I may as well stand and bash my head against a brick wall than sit down and expend time and energy on this sort of exchange.  He doesn't want to, and never will, ever concede my point of view.

Your sarcastic comments you start with? would you find it more validating if i gave you more than 2 things i am not happy with? I dont see this as a contest of who can score more points against the other. I realise that the whole part of this discussion is sidetracking from looking at me as an abuser so have looked at things that I find particularly important to me, if that means there are only 2 points then that is that! Since looking at abuse as the problem I fairly quickly came to agree that yes i have been abusive on many different levels, I dont think you are an abusive person but i do think that the 2 points i have raised use abusive techniques.

 

Why are you not listening to what i am saying, is it because I then wouldnt fit into your pigeonholed profiling. I can understand over time how you would have started reacting to me being abusive which is why i am looking far back to the start when you were even more controlling, considering as time has gone on we have had kids and more responsiblities your controlling nature has mellowed rather than gotten worse.

 

You have any right to tell me how to live my life or spend my time, in any way

 

It would be totally hypocritical to treat me as you have over the years as well as expecting the above,  now you have become less controlling to non-existant and think you have always been like that? or that anything you have done is in reaction to me despite you being like that from the very start. you have the gaul to call me self righteous.

 

Your recollection of what happened when i went clubbing is wrong. It was about 2 weeks in to our relationship, you were still living at <ex-husband's>, at that time you made no demands regarding drugs. AS (friend) and her bloke were going into london and you had assumed we could both go with them or both go to a rave. I just wanted to go without you raving (sad i know) but its what i wanted. We discussed what to do, you tried to make me feel bad by saying stuff like 'when people are together they go clubbing together, thats what 'normal' couples do' and that 'i wouldnt like it if you wanted to go clubbing without me' and you were right i wouldnt have liked it, but that would have been my abusive side trying to stop you doing stuff. You will probably say i am harping on again, my main point is that this was 2 weeks into our relationship, very early, I would be open to the suggestion that you were 'reacting' to something I did, but you were speaking from your own beliefs, it happened to soon in our relationship for it to be reaction to me.

 

4 peaks stuff - while i was away we spoke and texted, you were frosty to the point of just pissed off with me, i accept it probably was partly in reaction to me. But the text to Bs phone was so contrasting that when i got my phone working I showed him the conversations we had been having, it made your nicey nicey one just laughable. If you dont want to look at why you would be like that then fine. Yes you emailed round to help get money and wished me well, but the text to Bs phone was from another person. If i am playing the victim so what if you cant look at yourself.

 

You misunderstand bulldozing, i was only talking about having kids.

 

Moving to <present house>? as soon as i saw the house i was signing on the dotted line. My only point was that it would drive us further into debt, which it did.

 

So just to confirm your 50/50  negative part you had in our entire 15yr plus relationship was bulldozing your wish to have kids? And that is it. I need to know for when i discuss in <abuser program>

<sigh> why do I let myself be drawn in?  Total waste of time and energy.  No longer - I will be strong!

Feeling miserable

There are a few competing emotions going on with me right now:

1. Anxiety
2. Sadness
3. Loneliness
4. Anger
5. Sorrow
6. Confusion

Unfortunately the result of this is that I'm feeling very edgy.  I feel like I need a break from every day life and the continual mentally-exhausting cycle that I'm in thinking about my relationship, my future, my kids, my life, money etc etc.  I just need a rest.

Where are all these people I thought would be here for me?  Friends... family?  Where are they? Not here.  This means I'm trying to cope with these emotions alone for the vast majority of the time.  I'm not sure whether that is good or bad for getting through this.

After the sex.

He went home.  I went to bed and got barely a night's sleep wondering what on earth I'd done and with a zillion things racing through my mind.  I was also a little bit happy.

The next day we had planned to spend together as it was our daughter's birthday, so we were together all day.  It was a little awkward, but nice.  It felt a bit illicit.  I started to feel uneasy through the day.  I thought I'd just gone and buggered up everything I've worked for over the previous 2 months.  I started to be anxious about what to say and how to draw this back.

In the evening I asked dh to email me his thoughts on everything.

Firstly, you looked beautiful today, not that you dont everyday and even in old jogging bottoms and t shirt you are irresistable. But sometimes its like you are shining like an angel.

About me and you I feel hopeful, since we have looked at the abusive side of things i have always wanted to meet it head on and address my problems (once i realised i was abusive), i have been unsure of whether you even want to stay together and at times very sure that you dont. Last night hasnt changed how i feel about addressing my problems and i dont see it as a guarentee we will be together, i see it as a sign of your intentions and how you feel about me. As to whether we stay together is about how I have changed/will change and if you can accept me back, as at the moment as you know there are still things we disagree about.  Right now all the things we were recently 'discussing' i just feel like they don't matter to me now, i know you may need more than that as anything less than me denouncing my old ways is a compromise, as well as in a few weeks or mths i may feel actually i cant let those things go and self destruct as i cling on to what i see as right.

If I can be the husband you deserve i feel we need to kind of start again, i dont feel like i have been an independant person living in partnership with my wife, it has felt more like we have been a tangled and emotionally volatile ball rolling through life reacting to situations. i want to treat you better in every aspect of our lives. I dont want to fall into the 'controlling man' catergory, but i feel i need to control my life rather that letting run out of control and then blaming you as you are standing next to me when it goes wrong. If i can control my own life at the same time as supporting you through yours i will make myself and you happy.

I fully realise that over the months we may have some more altercations, i hope not but for us to come to an agreeable partnership unless i wake up suddenly free of any former traits then it may take a bit more than just attending coventry 2hrs a week. But please know (especially if things turn a bit sour) I love you R, you are so special to me and i want to give you everything in life that is good.

I love you, i love you, i love you

I read this and it felt like it might be OK.  Thoughts were still whirling through my mind, and I replied to this email.  I replied over the course of a series of emails as my thoughts kept changing.

Email 1:

I am afraid.  Your email reassures me, but I am still afraid.  Have I made a mistake, should I have maintained a distance for longer?  For your benefit and mine?  I feel I have none of the answers so I have to try to go with my gut feelings and hope that it turns out the right way in the end.   

I think your description of the volatile emotional ball is a good one and is how I picture it too.  I am just unsure right now how much if any of that was engineered deliberately by you?  The book seems to say quite clearly that actions by the abuser to control, manipulate and confuse are deliberate but what I seem to hear from you is that it never has been.  This makes me confused and then I wonder if this is a new trick?  I think most of my reaction to your abusiveness over the years has been shock (that someone would say/do that) disbelief (that *you* would say/do that to *me*) then confusion (I can't believe you would so I must be wrong/have misunderstood etc) Now I distrust you and myself, because I have beenwrong so often and I know thatyou have at least consciously contributed to that over the years.  So how on earth can I be confident in myself choosing to act in ways everyone everywhere says are wrong??  Getting involved again, believing you are being honest and truthful, hoping you will see it all through and change.  It all points to me being naiive and allowing myself to be hurt again... 

I wonder how we should start over again.  I am aware of my victim reactions and really struggle to control them.  I overwhelmingly want to dismiss my fears and 'get back to normal' because anything else is terrifying.  When you say or do something I feel uncomfortable or upset over it's really hard for me to stand up and say so (dunno if you can believe that but its true).  I have had to be forcing myself to make rational decisions for the last two months, believing it is for the best.  They don't come naturally and I have been forcing myself to ignore my victim, emotional reactions.  It has been a minute to minute struggle.  I think I have failed over the last 24 hours, but I hope it is not all lost.  The last two months have been the hardest of my life and I don't want yo do that again, but I am opening myself up for that. 

Do either of us know how to conduct ourself in a good, healthy relationship? I don't know how we would go about starting that, but think we should probably wait to start again til you are further in theprogramme? Or should we start slowly now? Dating maybe......obce a week or something?  I am so scared of making a fucked up stupid decision.  I feel like I have done that so often and have had so much pain as a result.  What is wrong with me that I am choosing that possibility again? 

But, god, I love you too A.  More than you can probably ever know.  Am I the biggest idiot in the world?  I wish I knew the future. 

I guess pouring out my ongoing pain and confusion is no help to either of us but there it all is anyway.

 Email 2:

I am obviously in purge/revalation mode so gonna keep going....

I know I have issues including but not only:  1. A desperate need to be loved and 2. A desperate fear that you won't or don't.  Irrational but present in me.  Driving lots of my behaviour over our 14 year relationship.

I do show all the behaviour associated with Stockholm Syndrome.  I am painfully aware that the last 24 hours I have been reacting to the fear/shock/disbelief that I felt as a result of your email.  I wonder if I have fallen into the cycle again.  Being hurt and then relief at someone taking the pain away, even though the person who caused both was the same person (you).  Does this make everything I have just done/felt a sad part of being a victim?  

This is what I amworried about.  Am I still making abuse victim decisions and reacting purely in that capacity?  I think it's too soon for me to believe the answer could be no.  This scares me.

Email 3:

I think I would like to step back again.  I am hoping to get abuse counselling sorted out this week so that I can be confident and reach a place where I am a strong and independent woman who doesn't rely on you for all my self worth and to feel loved.  So that I can hopefully make healthy decisions and conduct a healthy relarionship. I am nowhere near that yet. 

I want to get some distance again so I can think clearly.  I think maybe we start to rebuild our friendship, try to get some time to ourselves but I am not ready to get back into relationship mode yet.  Know i love you and this is want I want.  But I also want it to be right, for us and the kids.  I hope this doesn't piss you off but I think it is for the best. 

Let's start slowly and hopefully build some strong foundations for our future.

I felt so much better after going through all these fears and emotions and telling him!  And also felt relieved that I'd said that I was not happy with what had happened.

I thought I would be able to tell a lot from his reply to this, which came the next morning:

 I totally agree and echo your feelings about having space to be your own person. The other night i had 2 things on my mind once it was apparent you were in a 'friendly' frame of mind the first was obviously desire to have sex with you, you are a hot woman R and difficult to resist. The other thing I was very conscious of was by either having sex or not would you see that as giving me control of you again. If I said no and left, would you feel worse afterwards. At the time I felt whatever happens because you have laid your emotional cards on the table you would feel bad afterward. I didnt take advantage of you but I do think I should have recognised you were very vulnerable and I should have showed restraint, so maybe I did take advantage......... 

As far as physical relationship I will do whatever you want, i think we should abstain from intimate affection until we are properly ready. I don't know how long that will be but I think when we both feel ready we will know, the other night did feel wrong as from my point of view it was driven by desire and missing you. If you think we should set a time span that would be fine and if you wanted to then extend till whenever I will understand and respect that. 

Depending on next few weeks and discussing difficult things, maybe we could meet socially somehow for an hour or so? 

I love you, you do whatever you need to I will put no pressure and help when I can.

He had the children that day and I spent the day chilling out, reading, a bit of housework, baked a cake, went to my eldest daughter's show etc.  It was my dh's birthday, so I got him a card and wrote something inside that showed that I hope we can eventually work things out.  (I hope).

So today - the Monday after the weekend before! - I am feeling really positive.  The tumultuous previous week has taught me a lot.  I'm not overly happy with all my actions, but I know why I chose them so I am not beating myself up over it all.

I feel that the two months of total distance from dh was good for me, but I need longer.  It won't be total distance now.  I have said that I am happy to meet up - away from the house - once a week for a couple of hours, maybe in a pub, restaurant, go for a walk etc (just meet up away from the home and kids).  For the forseeable future - maybe six months - I think this is how our relationship will be.  Separate, but we will spend a couple of hours a week together.

I don't know how it will work out, but it does feel like the right step at this time.

And then what happened?

After I sent that last email (previous post) I was absolutely high on anger.  However during the course of the day it subsided into disappointment and pure sorrow.  The possibility of him making any kinds of change just seem to be a million miles away from this email, even though it is such early days.  That small candle of hope died out a little bit more.

He didn't reply to that email until two days later when I asked him why the woman from the abuser programme was phoning me (I couldn't talk, was out with the children) and received this text:

Probably to let you know your husband is one of the best abusers they have seen and that despite still showing abusive traits of criticising, blaming etc he thinks you are a wonderful person.

I was obviously thrown off by this, following from previous emails.

He was picking up my eldest in the evening and dropping her home, so I asked him to stay back to talk.  I didn't want to talk about this specifically, but our daughter's birthday was the following day and we had to discuss plans/arrangements etc.

I have to be honest at this point and acknowledge that I also wanted to see him.  I suddenly missed him loads and wanted to be close to him.  I was also hormonal.  The hormonal time when you want sex (around ovulation).  God, I can't believe I'm being so honest on a blog!!  I was totally aware of this by the way.

So he came over in the evening and we talked for three hours.  Mainly about birthday arrangements, ongoing problems with the children etc.

Then I laid my cards on the table.  I asked him why it's so difficult for him to change if he loves me and lots of other things I can't remember.  He said he's sorry, he knows that everything is his fault, he is sorry that he's hurt me and that he knows that after everything that has happened it must make me feel even more hurt to read his abusive email.  He apologised for that, said he wrote it in anger (as I could tell due to lack of punctuation) and he doesn't know why he said those mean things because it's not what he thinks at all.  He spoke about the programme and various things in the book.

And I believed him.  I wanted to be close to him so I hugged him, we kissed, we ended up having sex.  :-/

Well, my anger took over.

My reply to my husband's email in the previous post was initially a short 'let's not do this, nothing is being achieved' type reply.  However, I felt angry with him and angry with the situation and as I'm trying not to repress my feelings any more and go with my intuition, I decided to send a 'fuller' email:

Ok.  Didn't want to get into it but I just have to reply.  I know it's pointless, and not good for me (or probably you) but anyway.  Will just have to 'act in haste and repent at leisure' or whatever the saying is.

I refered to D as you give the impression that it was just me that thought the house used to be messy, and that even if it was then so what. Whether people like the house clean is not the issue!!!!! Of course people like to live in a clean house.  The issue is that you thought it was my job to clean the house to your spec.  Or that someone with X amount of young children, with various other issues going on was sitting on her fat ass living the life of riley and doing 'fuck all'.  D wouldn't think that!  Neither would most normal non-abusive people.  That is what I was saying!!   It sounds as if your friendship with D is a world away from that of a few months ago when you said you found it difficult to talk with her as you felt she was being 'indirectly critical of you in some way. Again, storing up something I've discussed with you that I was worried about to twist around and 'use' against me.  God, could you be any more of a text book abuser?  What I was discussing with you in relation to D was that she didn't understand some of the parenting decisions that I have made.  A lot of people don't because people generally want to just control their kids.  But D is my friend so that upset me at a time that S was being particularly difficult.  NOTHING to do with this discussion at all!   Yes i did mention my mum,but then said for obvious reasons wont use her as an example. I was looking to use someone that you would feel comfortable with to say 'look its not just me that likes to live in a tidy house, 'normal' people like it also'. Again, twisting everything.  THIS IS NOT THE ISSUE.  Your workload; as far as stuff round the house i would agree that you did lions share, i would not question that at all. and you must be happy that the small increase in workload has meant the house is nice and tidy now.  Little dig there?  I haven't had a small increase in workload.  I have had a large decrease in workload which is why the house is nice and tidy now.  Because you are not here being another person creating mess and I now have a bit of time each week without the children to potter around and do housework.  The quotes from the book you used i understand and recognise in me. I struggle with the concept 'he doesnt believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist he meet his responsibilities' Is that not the conditioning that you as the woman are trying to escape? I understand that part as the man has should have no control over you (which i agree with) but the woman can have control over the man because we will substitute the word control with limits his conduct, and who is setting these responsiblities, you, me, lundy, society. that part to me seems like double standards, i dont get it.Well I hope that you do get it during the programme, because you are misunderstanding this bit.  Deliberately or not, I don't know.  I enjoy knowing that it is ok to go out and be tired/hungover the next day without being judged as a bad father.I am glad that you can enjoy this now.  Of course, let's ignore the fact that I rarely ever went out or had any time to myself.  Maybe I was a little irate about that.  Especially as if I did ever do something for myself then I got hauled over the coals for it (I can only use the writing course as an example because there has barely been anything else over the last 5 years).   that if i have to work late on a job i have not failed as a husband.Ok.  I am sure I have never said or implied that you have failed as a husband.  You have.  But I have never before said it, and not for this reason.  that if i spend money on tennis i have not taken it away from the family. Does the twisting around just come naturally?  How many times did I encourage you to play tennis with people or say that it might be a good way to make friends?  The ONLY times I ever discussed tennis in the negative was in reaction to you complaining about my writing course - trying to show that we both NEED to spend time doing our own thing.  And when you said you didn't have any time I would say 'what about tennis'.  REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU.  Likewise, if I ever mentioned money it was because you would have been complaining about me spending money on myself that 'we didn't have'.  REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU.  Get it??  Yesterday when you called and i was at M's i had a worried feeling that i was out late doing something i shouldnt, i am sure that will pass with time. I expect you will deny you ever treated me like that, maybe over the past few years, but over a decade of being made to feel guilty for going out kind of gets ingrained into you. You!?  You, who accused me of cheating saying this.... it's really quite funny.  'Abuse 101' as Lundy might say.  If I ever made you feel guilty for going out it was because I NEVER WENT OUT YET ANY TIME I TRIED TO HAVE TIME TO MYSELF YOU COULDN'T LET IT GO - writing course.  (have to harp on about this because I never had any time to myself otherwise).  You are right about double standards, but I'm not the one who had them.  I know that in the sexist world we live combined with my physical abusiveness and ongoing emotional abuse you have suffered more than me, but you have given me some crap as well.REACTING TO YOU.  I know I probably seem angry and irrational here A*****.  But I just can't believe you are still living so firmly in this justified, entitled world you have built around you.  Has nothing made any impact at all?  Nothing?  You are so firmly in denial it is scary.  I think it's going to be a long while before we can actually discuss any part of our relationship.  We are still poles apart.  Poles apart.  Let's carry on as we have been for the last few weeks while you attend the programme, and I carry on with what I'm doing.  I'd say it will be another couple of months or more before we might be ready to discuss this stuff properly.  I don't know what you think.    I just would like to add: "Step number 4 demands that the abusive man accept his partner's right to be angry.  He actually has to take seriously the furious things she says and think about them rather than using her emotional pitch as an excuse to stuff her opinions back down her throat".  (the part about real change). Although I know this was probably pointless.  Actually, I feel a whole load better having said it.

Want, not need.

Today I talked to my husband.  Sounds weird.  Obviously we have talked, briefly, over the last 6-7 weeks since we separated.  Mainly it has been practical arrangements to do with the children.  I didn't feel able, or willing, to talk to him.  Any other discussion has been done by email, as you've seen if you've been reading the blog.

Our eldest daughter's birthday is coming up which has necessitated some discussion and arrangements.  I also wanted to discuss with him how the kids are handling everything and whether we need to do anything else.  Particularly, I feel they have no idea why we separated and may be worrying about that.

Anyway, during our phone call I said to him that it's a shame he couldn't just decide to stop being abusive rather than have to go through all this.  Obviously I didn't expect a reply - it sounds like a flippant comment but it's something I've been thinking.  If he really loved me he'd just stop it.  Surely it wouldn't take months in an abuser's group to be able to do that?  I know it's the core values that need to change, not just the behaviours so I know this is over-simplistic.  But, hell, I'm in a place where I want to say what I think.

Anyway, of course he had no reply and the conversation moved on.

We discussed how difficult it is to communicate.  I said that I feel slightly in a limbo.  I don't know if we will or won't ever be together again.  I don't know how his abuser programme will go, whether he will change or anything else right now.  I don't hate him.  We aren't definitely separating forever, or definitely getting back together.  In this light, communication is a bit awkward with neither of us sure of the boundaries.  That's something I need to think about, I guess, because he is taking the lead from me.

I enjoyed the sun today, we played tennis at the park (me and the kids), they played in the playground, we had lunch at a cafe and walked the dog.  We went to the library, got books and a DVD and the kids watched the film while I read my new book with a coffee.  It was a lovely day.

At the library I paid nearly £40 in backdated fines (mainly for kids DVDs I overlooked returning during the worse part of the separation).  I paid over the money, paid for lunch, brought some groceries and came home.

I came to a few realisations this afternoon.  Firstly, I'm an adult.  I am spending my time how I want to without fear of disapproval.  This feels good.

Secondly, I am comfortable and happy in my home.  It feels like my home.  I tidy up, cook, shop, pay bills etc on my own timetable.  Nobody is looking over my shoulder, whether metaphorically or physically.  I read for an hour today, I've been online chatting to friends and it's fine!  It's just absolutely fine.

Thirdly, I am standing on my own two feet.  With a lot of assistance from the state, I admit, I am paying for my house, my debts, my bills, for food, for fuel, for clothes, for days out.  I have a plan to earn more money and am confident that I can do it myself.  Nobody telling me I'll give up if I don't like it.  Nobody to stop me giving up if I don't like it and doing something else instead!

All of this leads me to thinking that I no longer need my husband in any way.  I am my own person and am living my own life, without him.  And it's okay.  So if I no longer need him, the only reason I will get back together with him is if I want to.  And the only reason I will want to is because the relationship will be positive to me and my children.

I feel I have a bit empowered by thinking about all of this.  It's crummy at the moment, I'm up and down missing him and wishing things were different.  But I can and am handling it.  I'm not making contact when I feel like this.  I'm not allowing things to slip back.  I'm acknowledging it's shitty and I wouldn't have chosen for 'us' to end up like this.  But I'm also ramming it into my head that these feelings are temporary and that gradually I'm on an upward curve to feeling better.

In fact, it's astonishing how much has changed in such a short time.  The highs and lows are not as extreme, but more than that.  I can no longer imagine living how we used to live!  I can't imagine ever being able to handle living slightly on edge, wondering whether I am doing the right thing, feeling constantly disapproved of or not quite good enough in any way.  My god, I won't now choose that life.  Not now that I know what it is.  I choose a better life.  Sure, it's sucky in some ways - I miss my husband, I still love him, I wanted my family to stay together, finances aren't brilliant - but the positive aspects far outweigh the negative.

And I'm thinking now.  Why would I choose him, now that I know him?  If I could instead choose a relationship with someone who thinks I'm great (most of the time), who trusts me, who believes me to be a good person, who loves me, who thinks I am equal... why would I choose my husband over this other person?  My husband doesn't trust me, seems to think I'm inherently a lazy, selfish person, thinks I need to be told how to spend my time and live my life otherwise I would do nothing,  is unhappy to see me happy.

So, I suppose this just means that my husband will have a very long way to go to convince me that it's worth the risk of getting into a relationship with him.  Because the risk is great.

What I'm up to right now

So, I have had a really fantastic 8 days.  I've been feeling up-beat and positive.  I've had a couple of times of feeling what I would call 'flat' but have come easily out of it.  The hardest times are when I'm on my own, but there is so much stuff I want to do when I have time to myself that it doesn't last very long.  It's over a month now since we separated. 

I have booked myself onto a course to become a professional face painter!  Yay!  Such a great, flexible job that I can do around the family (and with them if necessary).  And I really enjoy face painting too.  So, in the next two months I'll be fully qualified and ready to paint. 

I've sent in my financial forms and am signed up for my next university courses, both of which I'm excited about (doing them by distance learning so fit round the family too).

All my money and benefits are sorted out now, and it looks like I'll be OK.  No lavish lifestyle, but rent and bills paid and money for a few little extras too.

I have bought a new car!  (well, old car but new to me)  One that will be loads cheaper to run, and is cute too!  I love it :-D

I'm still moving stuff round the house and getting the house how I want it.

I'm enjoying beyond all expectations being free in my own home.  Living without judgement or disapproval.  I am just absolutely loving this.  At no time am I bored of my freedom.  It is joyful.

My husband has attended three sessions now of his abuser group.  I haven't spoken  in depth to him about it, but have a little.  It sounds to me like he is at the moment getting something from it and learning about himself.  Of course it remains to be seen if this continues and if it is long lasting.  But I'm happy for him.

I have come to the realisation that there is no possible way that I can live with my husband again - no matter how much he changes.  I don't think I will ever be able to truly believe that the changes are forever.  I cannot put my children in the position of one of these yo-yo relationships where we 'try again' then separate, then try again, then separate etc etc.  I just won't do that.  That is probably the most harmful of all scenarios.

This realisation is both sad, and freeing.  I almost feel I have become much more objective as a result of this.  I don't feel any pressure, or any wondering about whether or not things are working out, how we are communicating, if there is anything I could or should be doing and on and on and on.

I do occasionally wonder if it would be possible to have a relationship with him where we don't live together.  I used to imagine that the perfect living arrangement would be for us to be next door neighbours.  Close enough to see each other as a family often, but not living together.  As the issue is control and the main driver is jealousy (jealousy of me with other people, me being happy, me being organised, me doing well - just jealousy of everything) I am not sure whether this will ever be desirable or possible.  At the moment I'm just letting go of 'us' so focussing on this isn't really helpful.

All in all, I feel very positive and happy.  I am positive about the future in every way.  About money, my dreams, my lifestyle, my children.  Things are looking good and working out.  If I think about how my life would be right now if he had stayed.... well, it sends a shiver down my spine.  I know I've done the right thing.

Good day today.

Today was a good day.  I was out and about, with my eldest daughter.  We saw family (my mum, sister and brother along with brother's family).  We had a meal, went to the theatre then had coffee afterwards.  It was lovely and took my mind off everything that has happened.

We went to see 'Wicked' which was fantastic, and the song 'Defying Gravity' really struck a chord with me.  Lyrics:

GLINDA:(spoken)

Elphaba, why couldn't you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle!

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy now!

(sung)I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever,

I hope you think you're clever! 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy, too.

(sung)I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition. 

BOTH:(sung)

So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy, right now! 

GLINDA: (spoken)

Elphie, listen to me! Just, say you're sorry.

(sung)

You can still be with the Wizard, what you've worked and waited for. You can't have all you ever wanted! 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

I know.

(sung)

And I don't want it.

(spoken)

No,

(sung)

I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second-guessing.

Too late to go back to sleep!

It's time to trust my instincts.

Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity.

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down! 

GLINDA: (sung)

Can't I make you understand.

You're having delusions of grandeur! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

I'm through accepting limits,

'Cuz someone says they're so!

Some things I cannot change,

but 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

losing love, I guess I've lost!

Well, if that's love, it comes at much to high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye!

I'm defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

(spoken)

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do. Together,

(sung)

Unlimited. Together we're unlimited. Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been.

Glinda, dreams the way we planned 'em. 

GLINDA: (sung)

If we work in tandem: 

BOTH: (sung)

There's no fight we cannot win.

Just you and I defying gravity!

With you and I, defying gravity, 

ELPHABA:(sung)

They'll never bring us down.

(spoken)

Well, are you coming? 

GLINDA:(sung)

I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this. 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

You too.

(sung)

I hope it brings you bliss, 

BOTH: (sung)

I really hope you get it,

And you don't live to regret it!

I hope you're happy in the end!

I hope you're happy, my friend! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo,

At least I'm flying free.

To those who ground me,

Take a message back from me:

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity!

I'm flying high,

Defying gravity!

And soon I'll match them in renown.

And nobody in, all of Oz.

No Wizard that there is or was.

Is ever gonna bring me down! 

GLINDA: 

I hope you're happy! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

Look at her, she's wicked!

(shouted)

Get her! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Bring me down! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

No one mourns the wicked! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Bring me down! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

So we've got to bring her 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Aaahhhhhhh! 

CITIZENS OF OZ:(sung)

Down!

Abuser programme and contact

DH starts it tomorrow.  And I am anxious.

From reading The Book I know that many of the abuser programmes that are out there are not great.

Apparently I should have been contacted prior to the start of his programme by a 'Women's Support Worker'.  I don't know what they would be talking to me about, because they haven't contacted me which is already not a brilliant sign.  I'll try not to form judgements at this stage though.

DH has two individual 'sessions' with the person running the programme before he starts attending the group.  I'm thinking that possibly I will be contacted after these individual sessions so that I can provide my version of events and tell my story but I don't know.

Bancroft clearly states that the role of the abuser programme should be first and foremost supporting the woman, with the woman as the client.  This means sharing information and providing advice on dealing with the abuser if necessary, and getting support for recovering from the abusive relationship.  I hope I hear from them soon, otherwise I just feel the programme will be doomed to fail.  Already DH has started making noises about the cost of the programme, and I'm sure after a couple of sessions it will be complaints about the travelling distance and who knows how long til he uses these as excuses to stop attending?  When it get's hard.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but with my experience and the stuff I've read I'm more inclined to say realistic.

Today, I have had contact with DH.  More than in a while.  We took the kids to the cinema - he took the older ones in to see one film and I took the younger one to see a different one.  So, we weren't really together much, but there was still more contact than we've had before.

Afterwards we went (in separate vehicles) to the park where dh stayed with ds who had sprained his ankle and I took the others out to play.  Again, not a lot of time together but more than in the last three and a half weeks.  It was tense and awkward, of course.  All this is new and boundaries need setting.

I've suggested that in the future we might arrange one family afternoon activity a week where we are all together.  Not sure if that's for the best, or a result of my recent feelings of sadness, or what.  I guess the main thing is that I follow my instincts and do what I think is the best.

I'm really starting to feel that sense of enjoyment and comfort at home that I haven't had for many years.  Just a sense of coming home and feeling peace and contentment.  The absence of pressure or anxiety.  I don't fully appreciate it yet as it's a bitter sweet pill, combined as it is with long periods of previously-unknown solitude.

I don't know how long it will take me to fully embrace the freedom and peace AND solitude but I do know that it will come, in time.

How my day looks at the moment

I've noticed a general emotional pattern.  I tend to wake up feeling positive and relatively hopeful.  Then around mid-afternoon I start to go downhill.  An overall feeling of sadness and aloneness starts to descend.  It probably peaks very early evening and then by evening I'm feeling somewhere between the two.

I don't know if this relates directly to the fact that I would have always been on my own with the children up til around tea time when dh would come home.  So maybe I'm just missing his company and banter in the teatime-to-bedtime hours.

Then in the evening I am enjoying a bit of me-time when the children wouldn't normally be around anyway, and feel quite cheerful.

This weekend I've been generally down and I think it's because I'm not yet adjusted to not having any/all of the children around at the weekends.  I'm missing them, missing dh, missing weekend family life.

Like everything else it is complex.  I miss them all, but I am enjoying the novelty of some time to myself.  I miss dh but I'm starting to enjoy the freedom from disapproval and low-level anxiety that was a constant feature.  I am happy to be in control of finances and know exactly how much is going in or out, and feeling as though any spending on myself needs to be justified for some reason.... but I'm worried about how I'm going to manage.  Etc etc.

There seems to be no uncomplicated emotional reaction to anything.  Everything seems complex and difficult, and I have conflicting feelings about nearly everything.

Enjoying the sunset

It's funny the things that I'm noticing, the things I'm becoming aware of.

It's taking me a while really to feel less jumpy at home.  Not jumpy, freaking out, but jumpy-just-a-little-bit-anxious.  I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, always felt an air of disapproval and suspicion from my husband.  Was never 100% comfortable.  If I was, it didn't last long. 

So as I've been living with just the children I have started to relax and remember things.... like....

Driving along I saw a lovely sunset, with hues of orange, pink and red.  I always feel awe and peace with a lovely sunset.  Then it popped into my head - the number of times that I've said "what a lovely sunset" to have my husband respond "that's not a sunset".  When I would question what he meant it would usually end up with some cutting or patronising remarks that made me wish I never mentioned the damn sunset.  This time I said to the kids "look at that lovely sunset" and felt a little bit of me relax knowing that nobody was going to ask me what the hell I was talking about or say that 'nobody would think that was a decent sunset'.

Or as I was driving home after our group I wasn't worrying about what to cook that would be ready quickly but wouldn't be met with a disapproving look or a 'oh, just pasta' type of comment.  Or worse, if I am running late, a barrage of questions that began along the lines of 'I thought your group finished at 3.30?' and ended with him making out I was a liar for  saying it usually finished at 3.30 when *clearly* it didn't always finish at 3.30, and leave me feeling bad but not sure why... because after all I was only 20 minutes later than usual... and... but... and.... oh.  That sort of feeling.

I have spent a lot of time moving around stuff too.  I've moved the shoe-rack to near the door ("why on earth would anyone want to put the shoe rack there?  It blocks the window"), I've taken out a huge shelf unit that was always 1/2 empty and totally inappropriate for the bathroom,  I've cleared out all the old chemical cleaners that I didn't want to have ("Oh please.  That 'green' stuff is crap, it doesn't work." or "They talk such rubbish to sell that stuff, who would fall for that" type comment) etc etc.

We've been thinking about the dog and the hens we've wanted to get for a while.  The children are really interested in animal rescue work and we have wanted to rescue some battery hens and give them a good home in the garden.  And we also want another dog as a companion for our dog, for when we are out of the house sometimes during the day.  However, of course dh just kept saying we didn't have the time (read: I didn't have the time as I wasn't even keeping up with all the jobs he thought I should be doing, let alone more) and we didn't have the money (read: he didn't want to spend the money on *that*).

I signed up for the next two modules of my Open University course.  I gave up the course last year just because of the sheer grinding down of having my husband tell me constantly that I didn't have the time for a course (see above), that he would like to do a course too but he didn't have the time (read: unlike some of us who do 'f. all' in the house), that when he saw me doing any work for my course he had a knot of anger in his stomach because in his opinion I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO A COURSE (or anything else that is not beneficial for the family (read: him) despite the fact I did NOTHING else for myself).

Anyway, skedaddled off on a rant there.  I am very excited about my course.  My previous courses have been in creative writing ("is that the kind of stuff that goes on in your head?  You're sick" was the only response to the only story of mine he ever read, which was a short thriller) but my next courses are: a short course introducing counselling and following that a module on early years research, looking at research and ethics of working with very young children.  I'm really excited about both.

Mainly I have been getting used to the fact that if I've had a busy day I can sit down for ten minutes and read a book without disapproval, or read or write a blog without disapproval, or eat pasta for 2 days in a row without disapproval.... or whatever!

It's starting to feel a little liberating, being free to be myself.  But I'm nowhere near *there* yet.  I'm still feeling for those boundaries and feeling surprised that they are not there.