Why can't he....

I'm going through another yearning/grief-y sort of phase again, unfortunately.  It's one up from feeling sad and miserable as per last week, but I can't wait for the next positive, cheery, happy phase to start!

I so wish that he would suddenly realise how wrong he's been, how much he loves me, what a nice and loving person I am, how he'd never again want to do anything to hurt me, that he wants nothing more than me and our family together.  I wish he could just realise that he's abusive and wrong and change it.

Why can't he just do that?  Is it really so much better and more satisfying to have this alternative?  Us not together, no family life, seeing the children less often etc?  Well, it must be because that is what he is choosing.

I'm not surprised.  He has told me he enjoys his freedom, having his own place, not having to 'answer to me'.  And, unfortunately I suppose, these things are actually worth more to him than I or our family are.  Maybe there is another woman on the scene - that would explain a lot of things.

Of course, none of this *should* matter to me.  For some reason, right now, it does.

Because unfortunately right now I can't help yearning for what I've never had but always hoped for.  A loving, respectful, joyful and lifelong relationship with A.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I've never had it, but I've worked bloody hard to try to make it happen.  I now realise, of course, that it won't ever happen.  He can't be those things because he is abusive.  I'm grieving the loss of something I've spent 15 years hoping for.  Nothing more tangible than that.

So, pulling myself up by my non-existent boot straps and trying to boost myself over this down and into the nearby up.  I know it's coming and I know it'll be great and will last a good few weeks.  I've booked a haircut tomorrow, I've decided to give myself some money to spend on clothes and shoes and books, and I'm going to go for coffee and to the cinema.  That should give me a lovely boost and hopefully I'll be super cheerful by tomorrow evening!

A good week

I've had a great week.

It's around two weeks since I saw clearly that my husband hasn't and won't change to a level that I'm happy with and want to welcome back into my life.  And also, I decided that I've put my life and soul into this man for nearly fifteen years and I no longer want to do that in the hope that it will support him and he will change and become the loving, caring man that I hoped he would.  I know he'll never be that.  It will always be a struggle.  And I am no longer up for that struggle.

Since then I've been feeling so positive.  So happy and content.  I know that this is the right path for everybody involved, including all of my children.  Growing up in an environment that is joyous, fun, happy and relaxing as opposed to tense and anticipatory - that is what will give my children the best start possible!

I have been attending some work-related workshops, which have been a lot of fun and very creative.  I've been so enjoying my autonomy.  Unless you've ever lost your autonomy, you won't know the magnificence of it!  I am reveling in it right now :-D

Last night I had a dream about my husband that involved a large and dangerous looking climb with only a thin cushion in case you fell.  People around were convincing me that I'd be OK and should make the climb, but I stood firm and said no because it was dangerous and I might die.  I really felt that this represented my relationship.  I know what is the best for me and my children (people were convincing me to take my kids on the climb, that they'd be fine and I should stop being silly as it wasn't dangerous).

Then I woke up and my fingers were swollen and really hurting, and I had to get my wedding rings off.  They were swollen so it was difficult to get them off, but finally I managed it (with sore knuckles!) and then my fingers went back to there normal size.  This has never happened before so I was surprised, but now the wedding rings are off, I'm actually intending them to stay off because it feels right.

So, great leaps and bounds forward for me.  My husband left three months ago tomorrow.  The last three months have been absolutely tumultuous.  The mix of emotions and ups and downs I have been through have been extreme and difficult at many times.  But, my god, it's been worth it and I am so thankful that this happened and I've had the strength to see it through!

Well, my anger took over.

My reply to my husband's email in the previous post was initially a short 'let's not do this, nothing is being achieved' type reply.  However, I felt angry with him and angry with the situation and as I'm trying not to repress my feelings any more and go with my intuition, I decided to send a 'fuller' email:

Ok.  Didn't want to get into it but I just have to reply.  I know it's pointless, and not good for me (or probably you) but anyway.  Will just have to 'act in haste and repent at leisure' or whatever the saying is.

I refered to D as you give the impression that it was just me that thought the house used to be messy, and that even if it was then so what. Whether people like the house clean is not the issue!!!!! Of course people like to live in a clean house.  The issue is that you thought it was my job to clean the house to your spec.  Or that someone with X amount of young children, with various other issues going on was sitting on her fat ass living the life of riley and doing 'fuck all'.  D wouldn't think that!  Neither would most normal non-abusive people.  That is what I was saying!!   It sounds as if your friendship with D is a world away from that of a few months ago when you said you found it difficult to talk with her as you felt she was being 'indirectly critical of you in some way. Again, storing up something I've discussed with you that I was worried about to twist around and 'use' against me.  God, could you be any more of a text book abuser?  What I was discussing with you in relation to D was that she didn't understand some of the parenting decisions that I have made.  A lot of people don't because people generally want to just control their kids.  But D is my friend so that upset me at a time that S was being particularly difficult.  NOTHING to do with this discussion at all!   Yes i did mention my mum,but then said for obvious reasons wont use her as an example. I was looking to use someone that you would feel comfortable with to say 'look its not just me that likes to live in a tidy house, 'normal' people like it also'. Again, twisting everything.  THIS IS NOT THE ISSUE.  Your workload; as far as stuff round the house i would agree that you did lions share, i would not question that at all. and you must be happy that the small increase in workload has meant the house is nice and tidy now.  Little dig there?  I haven't had a small increase in workload.  I have had a large decrease in workload which is why the house is nice and tidy now.  Because you are not here being another person creating mess and I now have a bit of time each week without the children to potter around and do housework.  The quotes from the book you used i understand and recognise in me. I struggle with the concept 'he doesnt believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist he meet his responsibilities' Is that not the conditioning that you as the woman are trying to escape? I understand that part as the man has should have no control over you (which i agree with) but the woman can have control over the man because we will substitute the word control with limits his conduct, and who is setting these responsiblities, you, me, lundy, society. that part to me seems like double standards, i dont get it.Well I hope that you do get it during the programme, because you are misunderstanding this bit.  Deliberately or not, I don't know.  I enjoy knowing that it is ok to go out and be tired/hungover the next day without being judged as a bad father.I am glad that you can enjoy this now.  Of course, let's ignore the fact that I rarely ever went out or had any time to myself.  Maybe I was a little irate about that.  Especially as if I did ever do something for myself then I got hauled over the coals for it (I can only use the writing course as an example because there has barely been anything else over the last 5 years).   that if i have to work late on a job i have not failed as a husband.Ok.  I am sure I have never said or implied that you have failed as a husband.  You have.  But I have never before said it, and not for this reason.  that if i spend money on tennis i have not taken it away from the family. Does the twisting around just come naturally?  How many times did I encourage you to play tennis with people or say that it might be a good way to make friends?  The ONLY times I ever discussed tennis in the negative was in reaction to you complaining about my writing course - trying to show that we both NEED to spend time doing our own thing.  And when you said you didn't have any time I would say 'what about tennis'.  REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU.  Likewise, if I ever mentioned money it was because you would have been complaining about me spending money on myself that 'we didn't have'.  REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU REACTING TO YOU.  Get it??  Yesterday when you called and i was at M's i had a worried feeling that i was out late doing something i shouldnt, i am sure that will pass with time. I expect you will deny you ever treated me like that, maybe over the past few years, but over a decade of being made to feel guilty for going out kind of gets ingrained into you. You!?  You, who accused me of cheating saying this.... it's really quite funny.  'Abuse 101' as Lundy might say.  If I ever made you feel guilty for going out it was because I NEVER WENT OUT YET ANY TIME I TRIED TO HAVE TIME TO MYSELF YOU COULDN'T LET IT GO - writing course.  (have to harp on about this because I never had any time to myself otherwise).  You are right about double standards, but I'm not the one who had them.  I know that in the sexist world we live combined with my physical abusiveness and ongoing emotional abuse you have suffered more than me, but you have given me some crap as well.REACTING TO YOU.  I know I probably seem angry and irrational here A*****.  But I just can't believe you are still living so firmly in this justified, entitled world you have built around you.  Has nothing made any impact at all?  Nothing?  You are so firmly in denial it is scary.  I think it's going to be a long while before we can actually discuss any part of our relationship.  We are still poles apart.  Poles apart.  Let's carry on as we have been for the last few weeks while you attend the programme, and I carry on with what I'm doing.  I'd say it will be another couple of months or more before we might be ready to discuss this stuff properly.  I don't know what you think.    I just would like to add: "Step number 4 demands that the abusive man accept his partner's right to be angry.  He actually has to take seriously the furious things she says and think about them rather than using her emotional pitch as an excuse to stuff her opinions back down her throat".  (the part about real change). Although I know this was probably pointless.  Actually, I feel a whole load better having said it.

The big question.....

The period of time from when we had our final argument to my husband moving out was 24 hours.  Within a week he had rented a new flat and brought a new car.  It all felt sudden and was a real shock.

Obviously for the previous two weeks or so my husband had also been implying that we were 'about to go through a difficult time' - well he was actually saying it, not implying.  It was like he set everything up to happen like this.

Naturally, this has made friends and family suspicious.  I have also been suspicious on and off, but have had many other emotions and feelings to deal with too.  This has been the bottom of my 'to-do' list of feelings.

Anyway, he called me early evening - 5.30pm ish.  I missed the call, then my phone ran out of battery, then I put the kids in bed etc  so I didn't return the call til after 9pm.  I called twice on his home phone.  Then I called on his mobile. 

He called back and was acting so strange, talking funny, cutting things short and clearly didn't want to talk to me.  At one point I thought I heard whispering.  I asked who was whispering, he said it was the TV which I could also hear in the background, but I'm sure I heard someone whisper.  Then he said "look I'll call you tomorrow, OK".  I said OK, then put the phone down.

Clearly somebody was there.  So, now I guess it's time to suspect.  On one side, well - we are separated and I don't know if/when we'll ever get back together.  On the other side, if he so-called loves me and wants us to get back together then what is he doing if he is having an affair?  At least that will be the definite sign to me.  I will know then that there is no going back, and will have to fully mourn the marriage.  

I know I sound rational here, but I assure you I am physically shaking right now and a whirl of emotion is going through my head.  I would be utterly devastated if he is having an affair, utterly.  I would be distraught.  I still consider us as married and together, just separated while we see if the abuse programme will enable him to recognise and change his abusive behaviour.

But maybe, for him, it's just an excuse to say 'we were separated' when it becomes apparent he has had a relationship.  It doesn't matter though, because there will be nothing to excuse.  Our relationship will be finished if this is what is going on.

Now, in my bloody-mindedness and curiosity I want to call back and see if I can draw him into a discussion about us, where he declares his intention for us to get back together.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Sliding back or getting perspective?

Yesterday morning I talked to my dh for about half an hour.  It was nice to talk to him again.  I know, I know.

I've been thinking since.  Something I am really having difficulty with, and which I can find no information or advice about, is his diagnosis of PDD-NOS/ atypical Asperger's Syndrome.  I am on an 'emotional abuse forum' which is really helpful and supportive.  But often I just don't see A in the descriptions.  His behaviours have without a shadow of a doubt been abusive, but I'm not sure the motivations and some other aspects are the same as 'usual'.

A number of things make me say this:

1. The physical violence never escalated.  There were 3 incidents (including the sexual violence) over the 14.5 years that we were together.  The last time almost 6 years ago.
2. He has never denied his behaviour. 
3. He is not a 'different' person with other people. 
4. He has seemed genuinely horrified to find out that his behaviour is generally thought of as abusive.

Number one there on the list is pretty self explanatory.  Everything I've read says that if a man is physically abusive it will escalate in severity and frequency.  Neither of those happened.  So, it makes the doubts start to set in.

Number two - well, he has never denied things he has done with the exception of sometimes he denies remembering things that he has said.  This is difficult, because the psychologist who diagnosed the Asperger's explained how it has been shown in brain tests that during heightened emotional exchanges (arguments usually) the part of the brain responsible for laying down memories to long term memory closes down in order to divert energy to processing the difficult emotional reactions.  There was a neat, scientifically proven reason why he didn't remember things he'd said in the 'height' of an argument.

Number three.  He does have a different persona with people he has known for a long time.  When his mum is around he is Super Dad and Super Husband so she has a slightly skewed idea of what he does around the house.  He doesn't talk different or act differently towards me or anything.  We have always acted the same together around everyone else as we do on our own at home.  Is this a sign that his behaviour is not conscious but in fact just part of how he is wired?  Oh, he also acts like a prat round his best friend (from school) but again, I find it hard to believe that most guys don't do that?  At least when they are younger.

Number four.  Again, this could be an act.  I don't know.  But when he read The Book he seemed to genuinely have an epiphany that his behaviour towards me was not just 'normal' (apart from the physical abuse which he has always known and said was catagorically wrong) but in fact most people would describe it as abusive.  He seemed shocked and acted immediately - researching different abuser programmes, told his family and friends and has even brought the book for each of them to read.

So, this all leads me to feeling confused.  On the one hand his actions are definitely abusive.  On the other hand there are a lot of questions running around my head.

Is it that a boy born with a slightly different wiring that meant he could not easily see things from other's points of view and had very inflexible thinking (very difficult to change his mind) was unfortunate enough to grow up in a house with an emotionally abusive father that taught him that it's perfectly OK to belittle your partner, demand things from them, criticise them, have control over what they do with their time and so on.  Observing this family dynamic, would a child with Asperger's internalise that as a normal, desirable relationship and then as an adult the in-built lack of empathy and inflexibility mean that he also can't help acting in an emotionally abusive way? 

Or does it just not matter?  Should I not be trying to figure out what's going on in his head?  I guess the thing is, I'm wondering if there is hope here.  There seems to be little to no hope of abusers genuinely changing.  I'm just wondering if there might be, because it's not just black and white.  But is it ever? 

Oh, it's all confusing and I'm falling into the trap of over-thinking and trying to fix our relationship instead of just getting myself stronger and healthier.

Abuser programme and contact

DH starts it tomorrow.  And I am anxious.

From reading The Book I know that many of the abuser programmes that are out there are not great.

Apparently I should have been contacted prior to the start of his programme by a 'Women's Support Worker'.  I don't know what they would be talking to me about, because they haven't contacted me which is already not a brilliant sign.  I'll try not to form judgements at this stage though.

DH has two individual 'sessions' with the person running the programme before he starts attending the group.  I'm thinking that possibly I will be contacted after these individual sessions so that I can provide my version of events and tell my story but I don't know.

Bancroft clearly states that the role of the abuser programme should be first and foremost supporting the woman, with the woman as the client.  This means sharing information and providing advice on dealing with the abuser if necessary, and getting support for recovering from the abusive relationship.  I hope I hear from them soon, otherwise I just feel the programme will be doomed to fail.  Already DH has started making noises about the cost of the programme, and I'm sure after a couple of sessions it will be complaints about the travelling distance and who knows how long til he uses these as excuses to stop attending?  When it get's hard.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but with my experience and the stuff I've read I'm more inclined to say realistic.

Today, I have had contact with DH.  More than in a while.  We took the kids to the cinema - he took the older ones in to see one film and I took the younger one to see a different one.  So, we weren't really together much, but there was still more contact than we've had before.

Afterwards we went (in separate vehicles) to the park where dh stayed with ds who had sprained his ankle and I took the others out to play.  Again, not a lot of time together but more than in the last three and a half weeks.  It was tense and awkward, of course.  All this is new and boundaries need setting.

I've suggested that in the future we might arrange one family afternoon activity a week where we are all together.  Not sure if that's for the best, or a result of my recent feelings of sadness, or what.  I guess the main thing is that I follow my instincts and do what I think is the best.

I'm really starting to feel that sense of enjoyment and comfort at home that I haven't had for many years.  Just a sense of coming home and feeling peace and contentment.  The absence of pressure or anxiety.  I don't fully appreciate it yet as it's a bitter sweet pill, combined as it is with long periods of previously-unknown solitude.

I don't know how long it will take me to fully embrace the freedom and peace AND solitude but I do know that it will come, in time.

It's my home now.

My husband has moved his stuff out.  I am paying the rent now.  My name is on the tenancy agreement.  My name is on all the bills.

So, when will he stop thinking it's his house?  I know this is probably a 'time' thing but he keeps turning up, walking in the back door and just going wherever.  He walked through the house to the toilet.  He walked in, took a pan, a jar of pasta sauce and a picture out of the hall (that he'd changed his mind about wanting).  None of the actions I mind, it's just the waltzing in without even waiting for me to come downstairs, and clearly thinking it's still his home.

I'm not sure how to address this.  Nobody uses the front door in our house apart from the postman, because the parking and driveway are in the back garden.   But I still think he could knock at the back door, or call and wait for me to appear and then ask if it's Ok to go to the loo, get something from the kitchen, go upstairs or whatever.

Maybe I'm being harsh, and I need to give him time to realise this isn't where he lives now.  I'm just not sure.

His stuff is gone.

Exactly two weeks after the initial argument (and we are catching up now with 'real' time as this was on Friday, and now it's the following Monday) dh picked up the keys to his new flat.  About 1/4 mile or so away from our house - an easy walk.

I can't quite believe how quickly everything has happened.  My head is still spinning, and I'm only just coming out of what I believe to be a state of shock.

I sent him a list by email, room by room, of all his items and anything he might want.  He replied with a yes/no/maybe after each item, then asked me to pack up his stuff.

I was in two minds about whether to do this, but in the end decided I'd rather do it myself than have him wandering around the house for hours, in and out of drawers etc while the children watched.  Or while we were all out.

It amounted to a few boxes and a couple of items of furniture, a few pictures, paperwork and so on.  As a result the house pretty much looks the same.

On Friday I was overcome with emotion and lay in the bath for 1/2 an hour just quietly sobbing.  I had felt a build up of grief and sorrow, it was almost physical in that it was a gradually building pain and throbbing in my head, and it was relieved after I had had a good cry.  I know there is a long way to go yet for the grieving process over this marriage, and I can feel it will be a slow process.

Dh then came over to pick up a few things such as spare bedding for his flat.  He stood in our bedroom and looked at a photo in a frame of us together and looked at me, welling up.  I had only stopped sobbing in the bath about an hour before and was feeling slightly peaceful so I just looked away.  He then looked at me with a look like 'you heartless cow' because I wasn't joining in the welling up about him moving out.  I felt such a surge of rage!  How dare HE be even crying!  All he has ever needed to do was stop being abusive and we could have had a happy marriage and life as a family.  Instead he has dragged me/our kids/ us through the wringer for fourteen years and here he stands self-righteously pitying himself and offended that I'm not joining in.  I ignored him, though, and went downstairs to stand by the door waiting for him to leave.

On Saturday dh came round to pick up the furniture and boxes with his friend.  This was incredibly awkward because they were mucking about, making jokes and laughing and I just wanted them out of the house.  They were making jokes about divorce courts, and 'who get's what'.  It might have been a coping strategy, but I doubt it, knowing them.  It was so inappropriate, all the children where there.  I wondered where that heartbroken man from the night before was...