Friday, 29 April 2011

Why can't he....

I'm going through another yearning/grief-y sort of phase again, unfortunately.  It's one up from feeling sad and miserable as per last week, but I can't wait for the next positive, cheery, happy phase to start!

I so wish that he would suddenly realise how wrong he's been, how much he loves me, what a nice and loving person I am, how he'd never again want to do anything to hurt me, that he wants nothing more than me and our family together.  I wish he could just realise that he's abusive and wrong and change it.

Why can't he just do that?  Is it really so much better and more satisfying to have this alternative?  Us not together, no family life, seeing the children less often etc?  Well, it must be because that is what he is choosing.

I'm not surprised.  He has told me he enjoys his freedom, having his own place, not having to 'answer to me'.  And, unfortunately I suppose, these things are actually worth more to him than I or our family are.  Maybe there is another woman on the scene - that would explain a lot of things.

Of course, none of this *should* matter to me.  For some reason, right now, it does.

Because unfortunately right now I can't help yearning for what I've never had but always hoped for.  A loving, respectful, joyful and lifelong relationship with A.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I've never had it, but I've worked bloody hard to try to make it happen.  I now realise, of course, that it won't ever happen.  He can't be those things because he is abusive.  I'm grieving the loss of something I've spent 15 years hoping for.  Nothing more tangible than that.

So, pulling myself up by my non-existent boot straps and trying to boost myself over this down and into the nearby up.  I know it's coming and I know it'll be great and will last a good few weeks.  I've booked a haircut tomorrow, I've decided to give myself some money to spend on clothes and shoes and books, and I'm going to go for coffee and to the cinema.  That should give me a lovely boost and hopefully I'll be super cheerful by tomorrow evening!

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