Abuser programme contact

I finally got a call yesterday from the 'women's support worker' or whatever she was called.  I had no warning so it threw me a bit.

Started off by asking some random questions, don't know if this was so she could guage the sort of abuse that has happened or what.  It was quite upsetting.  I suppose in this kind of situation I feel an overwhelming need to convince the person that A was abusive.  Ridiculous, but as a result of this urge I have divulged some information recently to numerous people that I wouldn't necessarily have chosen to divulge if I'd had time to stop and think.  <sigh>

Anyway, she was also quite vague about the point of her contact.  She wasn't verifying information that she had, she wasn't offering counselling, she wasn't giving me information about his programme so I was a bit confused I suppose.

Halfway through I remembered the part of The Book (Bancroft WDHDT) that shows how to evaluate the effectiveness of an abuser programme, and a checklist of warning signs that the programme is ineffective.

There were a few warning signs.  She spewed out the old 'confidentiality' thing so that unless something is said in the group that implies I am specifically at risk I won't know anything that is said or done.  This was a warning sign in the book.

Also, I asked what percentage of men who go through the programme change.  She was extremely vague but actually plucked the figure of 80% out of the air!  80%  Unbelievable!  The chances that 80% of the men on the programme come out non-abusive are zero, and the failure to admit that was a big sign that the programme is ineffective.  Under further questions it turns out that 80% of the partners she talks to say that things 'are better'.  Not non-abusive, but better.  And this is during the group.  So, that makes a bit more sense.  I re-iterated that I'm not interested in having a relationship again if he's just not as abusive as he was before, I will only possibly be interested if he is totally non-abusive and I can believe that he is.  This is a tall tall order.  I can't imagine being totally comfortable living with him again.  I just can't.

So, I'm having my doubts about the programme, and just fingers crossed that it's of the Bancroft variety rather than the crap variety.

Good day today.

Today was a good day.  I was out and about, with my eldest daughter.  We saw family (my mum, sister and brother along with brother's family).  We had a meal, went to the theatre then had coffee afterwards.  It was lovely and took my mind off everything that has happened.

We went to see 'Wicked' which was fantastic, and the song 'Defying Gravity' really struck a chord with me.  Lyrics:

GLINDA:(spoken)

Elphaba, why couldn't you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle!

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy now!

(sung)I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever,

I hope you think you're clever! 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

I hope you're happy!

I hope you're happy, too.

(sung)I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission to feed your own ambition. 

BOTH:(sung)

So though I can't imagine how, I hope you're happy, right now! 

GLINDA: (spoken)

Elphie, listen to me! Just, say you're sorry.

(sung)

You can still be with the Wizard, what you've worked and waited for. You can't have all you ever wanted! 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

I know.

(sung)

And I don't want it.

(spoken)

No,

(sung)

I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me.

Something is not the same.

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Too late for second-guessing.

Too late to go back to sleep!

It's time to trust my instincts.

Close my eyes, and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity.

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down! 

GLINDA: (sung)

Can't I make you understand.

You're having delusions of grandeur! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

I'm through accepting limits,

'Cuz someone says they're so!

Some things I cannot change,

but 'till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

losing love, I guess I've lost!

Well, if that's love, it comes at much to high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye!

I'm defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

(spoken)

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do. Together,

(sung)

Unlimited. Together we're unlimited. Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been.

Glinda, dreams the way we planned 'em. 

GLINDA: (sung)

If we work in tandem: 

BOTH: (sung)

There's no fight we cannot win.

Just you and I defying gravity!

With you and I, defying gravity, 

ELPHABA:(sung)

They'll never bring us down.

(spoken)

Well, are you coming? 

GLINDA:(sung)

I hope you're happy, now that you're choosing this. 

ELPHABA: (spoken)

You too.

(sung)

I hope it brings you bliss, 

BOTH: (sung)

I really hope you get it,

And you don't live to regret it!

I hope you're happy in the end!

I hope you're happy, my friend! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo,

At least I'm flying free.

To those who ground me,

Take a message back from me:

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity!

I'm flying high,

Defying gravity!

And soon I'll match them in renown.

And nobody in, all of Oz.

No Wizard that there is or was.

Is ever gonna bring me down! 

GLINDA: 

I hope you're happy! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

Look at her, she's wicked!

(shouted)

Get her! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Bring me down! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

No one mourns the wicked! 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Bring me down! 

CITIZENS OF OZ: (sung)

So we've got to bring her 

ELPHABA: (sung)

Aaahhhhhhh! 

CITIZENS OF OZ:(sung)

Down!

Oh, hello Rollercoaster - did I think you were gone?

Yes, I was incredibly incredibly down yesterday.  I just felt so sad for the whole day.  It was my eldest's birthday and she was being typical-teenagery which just upset me.  She seemed so miserable even though we were doing fun things.  By the end of the day I just thought 'what is the point' and was in tears.

Also, I hadn't had a reply from the email I sent my dh about the sexual abuse and I was extremely anxious about that and didn't sleep well.  So that also contributed.

However, he replied around midnight last night and just reading the reply (long and not great, but not awful either) reduced the anxiety that I had been feeling.  So I slept Ok last night and woke up to blue skies and felt a lot more positive.  I'm not happy that my equilibrium is still so clearly in his hands, but I'm only 3 weeks into what will be a long process, so I have to remember that and not feel disappointed that things aren't different.

Today I woke up, got breakfast, tidied the living room and the kitchen and got the dinner in the slow cooker.  Having done that I lay in bed immersed in a book while the children made dens and played.  I read for probably four or five hours.  A rare luxury.  I needed 'me time' today.  I needed to be easy on myself.

Then mid afternoon we headed out to the library, a tour of some charity shops, an hour long trip to the park in the slowly setting sun playing frisbies and then we went food shopping before heading home for dinner, TV and then bed.  I've watched a show I'm presently enjoying a lot, checked in on the computer and will head up to bed now.  So it's been a nice, go-easy day and I'm feeling a lot better.

This evening I've gotten texts from dh asking how I'm feeling about the sexual abuse.  He says that he's never given it any thought, thought it was something we both knew about but he had never thought about how it effected me.  He says he has been thinking about it ever since I emailed and is so ashamed etc etc.

I've mainly said that I'm in shock about all the realisations I've been going through, but mainly I'm just horrified about what happened.

It was 14 years ago and nothing like that has happened since.  It was spurred on by his excessive jealousy and anger.  I know that.  Apparently all he's ever thought about that incident was about his jealousy.

What really surprised me was that his recall of the night was literally word for word, so he wasn't that drunk.  Also, he remembered that after taking my underwear off he threw me off the bed and onto the floor and nearly threw me down the stairs before throwing me on the bed and having sex with me.  Now that he says it I remember vaguely, but I had totally not been aware of that at all over the last 14 years.  Just the sexual abuse that happened afterwards.

So, yet another revelation and I can't help wondering if there are other things I am just unaware of...

Email to DH

Ok.  I spoke to DH for around an hour this evening on the phone.  About the abuser programme, The Book, general behaviour and stuff.  I found it really hard to communicate.  I said I would email him.  He wants my 'list' of his abusive behaviour to show to the programme co-ordinator.

This is the email I just sent:

I'm finding it really difficult to compose my thoughts and feelings properly right now. 

Firstly, you want 'my' list.  I don't know if this will be particularly helpful.  But I will write out my list for you and attach it. 

There are a few things that I wanted to talk about because I've been thinking about them a lot.  Well, tell you what I'm thinking really.  I don't know what to expect in response, if anything. 

How am I feeling, overall?  Well, everything is very complex obviously.  On the one hand I feel a sense of freedom starting to come up.  Not freedom from a relationship, but freedom from that constant low level anxiety that has been brought about by all the abusiveness.  I'm starting to feel like for the first time in a long time my home is 'a safe place to fall'.  Somewhere relaxing, comfortable and well... just always nice to be.  I've not had that feeling for a very long time.  Not having the feeling of being 'not good enough' for the first time in 14 years is liberating, but I'm still getting used to it. 

But of course, we have been together a long time.  I love you and I miss you.  I miss the banter, conversation, chat, etc.   I miss the children when they are not here. 

I'm grieving.  For the loss of the relationship.  For the dying hope that it might still be saved.  For the relationship I thought we had, or might have one day, for our family.  It's such a huge loss.  I feel so sad about everything. 

I don't know what's going to happen with this programme.  I am feeling that I don't really trust what you are saying - whether you are saying these things because you honestly really think you want to change, or what.  I don't know if I can believe that you can change, because your values and attitudes which are abusive are so deeply ingrained and you so wholeheartedly believe that they are OK and even normal that I can't imagine how you will come to accept that they are neither.   

Specific times in our relationship keep playing over in my mind.  I'm second guessing your motivations and beliefs.  I don't believe that you are surrounded by people with a healthy idea of a relationship - your family, Rick, Joe, Darren etc.  This is a barrier to any change too, I think.  Even at work the people you know the best are from cultures that are highly mysogynist and these also validate your abusive behaviours.  So I worry about where you will get the support you will need to change. 

Ok.  I'm going to have to get to the bones about some issues. 

Firstly, this will come as a shock because it's a long time ago.  A very long time ago.  A, I have been turning over in my mind for a few months an incident that occurred years ago that I'd tried to forget.  Right in the first few months of our relationship, when we lived in P C. 

One night P from work came over and we were both drunk.  Nothing happened of course, between him and me.  But I remember and have always known what happened after that.  You were filled with anger and jealousy because you thought we'd been flirting and that I wanted sex with him.  I wasn't passed out when you undressed me and jabbed your fingers in me and had sex with me.  I was frozen and 'acting dead' because you were having sex with me fully knowing that I hadn't consented and was too drunk to stop you.  In fact you thought I had passed out.  I even managed to open my eyes without you seeing and saw the look of jealousy, anger and triumph in your face as you had sex with me.  I was so shocked and horrified about that, I can't tell you.  

I don't know if you will even remember this incident, let alone ever admit to what happened.  But I know what happened.  I've always known but tried not to think of it.  It's something that I would have had to bring up with you. 

Secondly, the incident when you picked me up from work and you thought I was late.  You screamed what a fucking selfish bitch I was all the way home.  How I couldn't ever fucking apologise for anything because of what a selfish fucking bitch I was.  And <DS>, aged only 1 and a 1/2 or so was sitting there in his car seat.   

Thirdly, all the little snide comments that you said which feel like you only said them to highlight to me that I wasn't good enough.  There are too many to list.... and they are replaying in my mind too.  None of them on their own seem like a 'big' incident and to make a big deal of them would have seemed OTT, but then that's the plan maybe?  To chip away bit by bit at me.  This is the kind of thing I'm thinking now.  Were you doing this sort of thing on purpose, or did it happen subconsciously? 

I also wanted to say as the only response I will make to any accusation that I am or have been abusive - think about self-defense and self-preservation.  Think of all the different ways that someone under constant low level and occasional high level attack might try to defend themselves.   

You know, I thank god that in between my childhood problems and meeting you that I had a five year relationship with someone who was just ordinary.  If it hadn't been for that I might well have believed that the way you treated me, spoke to me etc was just par for the course in any relationship.  I might have believed that maybe I was lazy, selfish, not good enough and that I had an incorrect image of myself.  Or that 'all relationships' go through this sort of thing.  I know though that it's totally possible to respect somebody pretty much all the time, to resolve conflicts and disagreements amicably and without outright hostility, to compromise, to live a life free from criticism, to have a mutually supportive relationship... all the things that haven't happened in our relationship. 

I won't expect to hear from you for a while, but maybe you'll reply straight away.  I don't know anymore. 

Despite everything, I don't write off the possibility that we might in the end have a good, healthy, normal relationship.  I still hope that we will be able to.

Of course, now I am extremely anxious about what kind of response I am going to receive.  I probably won't sleep a wink tonight, though I am exhausted.

In fact, I'm already wondering why on earth I sent this email.  What is the point.  I suppose because I would have wanted to tell the support worker these things and they might have told him.  Oh, I don't know.  Life's shitty and hard.

Abuser programme and contact

DH starts it tomorrow.  And I am anxious.

From reading The Book I know that many of the abuser programmes that are out there are not great.

Apparently I should have been contacted prior to the start of his programme by a 'Women's Support Worker'.  I don't know what they would be talking to me about, because they haven't contacted me which is already not a brilliant sign.  I'll try not to form judgements at this stage though.

DH has two individual 'sessions' with the person running the programme before he starts attending the group.  I'm thinking that possibly I will be contacted after these individual sessions so that I can provide my version of events and tell my story but I don't know.

Bancroft clearly states that the role of the abuser programme should be first and foremost supporting the woman, with the woman as the client.  This means sharing information and providing advice on dealing with the abuser if necessary, and getting support for recovering from the abusive relationship.  I hope I hear from them soon, otherwise I just feel the programme will be doomed to fail.  Already DH has started making noises about the cost of the programme, and I'm sure after a couple of sessions it will be complaints about the travelling distance and who knows how long til he uses these as excuses to stop attending?  When it get's hard.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but with my experience and the stuff I've read I'm more inclined to say realistic.

Today, I have had contact with DH.  More than in a while.  We took the kids to the cinema - he took the older ones in to see one film and I took the younger one to see a different one.  So, we weren't really together much, but there was still more contact than we've had before.

Afterwards we went (in separate vehicles) to the park where dh stayed with ds who had sprained his ankle and I took the others out to play.  Again, not a lot of time together but more than in the last three and a half weeks.  It was tense and awkward, of course.  All this is new and boundaries need setting.

I've suggested that in the future we might arrange one family afternoon activity a week where we are all together.  Not sure if that's for the best, or a result of my recent feelings of sadness, or what.  I guess the main thing is that I follow my instincts and do what I think is the best.

I'm really starting to feel that sense of enjoyment and comfort at home that I haven't had for many years.  Just a sense of coming home and feeling peace and contentment.  The absence of pressure or anxiety.  I don't fully appreciate it yet as it's a bitter sweet pill, combined as it is with long periods of previously-unknown solitude.

I don't know how long it will take me to fully embrace the freedom and peace AND solitude but I do know that it will come, in time.

How my day looks at the moment

I've noticed a general emotional pattern.  I tend to wake up feeling positive and relatively hopeful.  Then around mid-afternoon I start to go downhill.  An overall feeling of sadness and aloneness starts to descend.  It probably peaks very early evening and then by evening I'm feeling somewhere between the two.

I don't know if this relates directly to the fact that I would have always been on my own with the children up til around tea time when dh would come home.  So maybe I'm just missing his company and banter in the teatime-to-bedtime hours.

Then in the evening I am enjoying a bit of me-time when the children wouldn't normally be around anyway, and feel quite cheerful.

This weekend I've been generally down and I think it's because I'm not yet adjusted to not having any/all of the children around at the weekends.  I'm missing them, missing dh, missing weekend family life.

Like everything else it is complex.  I miss them all, but I am enjoying the novelty of some time to myself.  I miss dh but I'm starting to enjoy the freedom from disapproval and low-level anxiety that was a constant feature.  I am happy to be in control of finances and know exactly how much is going in or out, and feeling as though any spending on myself needs to be justified for some reason.... but I'm worried about how I'm going to manage.  Etc etc.

There seems to be no uncomplicated emotional reaction to anything.  Everything seems complex and difficult, and I have conflicting feelings about nearly everything.

Feeling ill, clearing anxiety and fear - and dh again.

I don't know if everyone is like me, but often during emotionally charged times I get physically ill.  Particularly, I have a weak stomach and suffer nausea and/or vomiting.

I am taking homeopathic remedies to help me at the moment, and they have always been very effective on me.  (what can I say, a control group of one).

On Tuesday night, bang on midnight (bizarrely) I woke up with an excruciating pain in my stomach.  On the right hand side between my lower rib and hip.  It was awful and I lay in agony for around half an hour.  Then I started being sick and I felt like it wouldn't end.  My stomach felt enormously bloated and the pain was horrible.  I didn't feel ill in any other way, like you normally do with an infection or something.  The pain and vomiting went on til around 2am when I finally got back to sleep.

Yesterday I felt nauseous all day and had a banging headache - I'm sure due to the strain of being so sick early that morning, and today the nausea has gradually diminished over the day.  Hopefully I'll be fine by tomorrow morning.

Something that surprised me was that from yesterday morning I have felt suddenly very calm and in control.  Those rollercoaster of emotions seems to have dampened a lot, and I'm just feeling a bit sad but I'm ok.  Not the awful ups and downs and terrible racing thoughts that I've had since everything happened.

So, I'm thinking that I literally emptied my body of all the fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing.  Not only during the last 2+ weeks, but also during the previous years of the relationship.  I know that might seem unlikely, but that's what I'm thinking has happened at the moment.  And I'm feeling Ok.  Not great, not singing and dancing, but Ok - like I will cope and everything will be fine at some point.

I have seen a fair bit of dh over the last few days.  He's had a week off work and so has been seeing the children more, which of course means more pick ups and drop offs.

He already said that he's told his mum everything, yesterday he told me he'd told his dad everything.  Now, I don't know particularly how to feel and you know what - that doesn't matter.  Uncertainty is a pretty valid emotion and feeling right now, I believe.

I'm wondering if he really has - if he has told them everything he says he has then I'm surprised I've not heard from his mum by now.  It has occurred to me that having read The Book he knows what to say he's doing to convince me he has changed (this is one of the things - fully admitting what you have done to everyone).

I was considering phoning his mum and having a chat... I'm not sure if that's the best course of action.  Sitting back and believing what he's telling me hasn't worked well so far.

But then, maybe it just doesn't really matter and I just need to focus on myself and my children and our recovery rather than second guessing everything else.

Another thing to ponder in the wee hours :-)  But at least my mind has stopped racing - that is a real blessing.

The Long Haul

Abusers are masters of storing away their resentment or anger to unleash on the unsuspecting victim days, weeks or months after the actual incident that has pissed them off.  Well, according to most things I've read and my dh is no different.  Obviously this sort of behaviour is a total mind-f*ck because usually they never let on what has initially started it all off (probably because they can see how unreasonable or childish their actions would be in the cold light of day) so for the victim it's totally 'out of the blue'.

I've been (obviously) thinking over so many things lately with my new 'clarity goggles' to cut through the fog of confusion that he's built around me.  I thought it might be useful to put down on paper one of these 'long haul' incidents.

This is quite recent and is actually the incident that lead to our separation and I mentioned it before but have been giving it more thought.

The initial incident.
Was Christmas just gone.  As usual we had both families due to visit and stay for the whole holiday period.  From the 23rd December to the 1st January we were scheduled to have a variety of visitors. 

Unfortunately we had a nasty flu-y sort of virus going round the children and lo-and-behold I got it on the 23rd December.  I tried to avoid being ill.  I continued shopping and was up til 11.30pm on Christmas Eve wrapping presents while feeling dreadful.  Dh got drunk and did nothing because he apparently is rubbish at wrapping presents.  Really, he just didn't want to do it.  My sister was there and was appalled and told him how lazy he was being.  We have 4 children... there were hundreds of things to wrap.

Gradually I got worse until on Boxing Day I was laid up in bed all day.  Dh came in and out asking me if I was going to be laying in bed all day.  He was obviously annoyed because it meant he would be doing all the hosting and cooking etc for a change.  (He did always cook Christmas Dinner - he is a 'show cooker' - only doing it when there is an appreciative audience (not us))  On the 27th - 31st I was still ill and came down when people were visiting but needed to regularly lie down to recuperate.  I looked and felt awful.

My sister got really angry as she overheard him moaning about me to his family saying he'd had enough of 'looking after her' now and implying I just couldn't be bothered to have to do anything.  Bearing in mind his idea of looking after might have been 2 or 3 drinks over the course of the two weeks that I was ill, it's hardly like he's been Florence Nightingale.

However, he didn't really say anything - just complaints and comments here and there to family, statements to me that Christmas 'wasn't enjoyable at all' and then when everyone had gone we got back to normal, I thought nothing more of it.

The build up.
Once I was better again dh started making comments that he could feel a bad time coming on between us.  I was surprised as I had thought that we had been getting on relatively well for a few months.  I said as much.  But every few days he made little comments and started saying that we always have a difficult time at this time of year etc. 

Now I think that he obviously was building himself up to a row to get out all the anger about me 'selfishly' ruining HIS Christmas by being ill.

First Attempt at lighting the touchpaper
Ten days or so into the new year dh suddenly started saying he wanted another baby.  I was stunned!  During every pregnancy and for the first year his abusiveness has always been at a peak, and each time I have been left devastated by the lack of support and downright nasty behaviour at a time that should be filled with joy.

My last pregnancy put such a physical strain on me, I was so ill - we decided that it would definitely be the last.  I have been pregnant or had young children since I was eighteen-years-old and am now in my mid-30's.  For me, that's enough.  I can just about cope happily with the children I have and have no desire for any more.  This is one of the very few topics that I am unswayable on.  And dh knows it.

So, out of the blue one night he says he wants another baby.  I laugh, because I think he's joking.  He looks seriously at me so I say, of course I don't want any more children - for me, four is enough.  He says "don't you think that's really selfish".  I say no and start to list reasons, wondering 'didn't we have this conversation?  Didn't we agree?'

So he says 'what if we won the lottery?'.  I say that doesn't change anything, for me it's not about the money.  It's the fact that for me I can't have another baby and go through another pregnancy, that I'm enjoying the children growing up and being able to be there for them and do things that we couldn't do with another baby etc etc.  So he starts saying how I'm being really selfish.

I now see he was trying to pick a fight.  He really believed I was being selfish when I was ill over Christmas, this is what this little conversation was about.  However, I was so stunned by this sudden turn of conversation that I just shrugged and left the room so he didn't get to let out all those built-up emotions tell me what he thought of me.

The successful attempt
He continued his 'we are going to go through a bad time' routine, which I was totally baffled about.

Then a week later - touchdown!  In popped the credit card bill which dh could convince himself in a very roundabout way that he knew nothing about.  Result!  And of course the bare facts of this (him allegedly having no knowledge about it) would mean that his actions would be easy to justify to himself, me and if necessary anyone else.  It doesn't matter if he had twisted the bare facts (because we'd agreed to spend this money on the credit card) because I didn't have proof of that decision we made together and he could talk it around so that he knew we decided that, but then thought I wasn't going through with that decision.  Hmmm. Clear as mud, yes?

When I got home he was holding the statement and going through the roof about it.  I've written before what happened, but it culminated in him screaming about me doing 'F. All' around the house, 'F. All' to contribute to anything, him working hard for me to lay around doing nothing and reading all day.  Now these things are total rubbish, couldn't be further from the truth.  But they are true about what happened when I was ill at Christmas.

And thus, it took him a while - around 2-3 weeks after the initial 'incident' but he got his anger and resentment out, supposedly justifiably, in the end.

Of course, this time it backfired, as I found the book and saw in all truth what he'd been doing and what was going on - but for fourteen + years this tactic has worked perfectly and he's managed to abuse and insult me to my face but then somehow twisted it round so it's my fault he's done it.

Quite clever, I suppose.

Whose fault is it anyway?

Dh popped by the children's club today.  We were together for over an hour watching them take part. 

He obviously wanted to talk, or to reconnect, to reassure himself all is not totally lost.  You may find this bizarre after reading of things that have happened.

He has been talking to his mum daily over the last ten days, telling her about the abuse.  She was disbelieving at first but as he is explaining exactly what he has done (well, probably not *exactly* but as near as he can bear) they are discussing a lot about dh' dad.  Apparently everything dh says he was like, she says 'your dad did that'.  His mum and dad divorced when dh was around 17 years old. 

I think they are on a little journey of discovery together.  Dh plans to send her The Book to read (it is very validating and clarifying for anyone who has been abused) but as she's about to have a major operation, he is going to wait for a couple of months.

Naturally, she has now started to blame herself for not leaving or doing something about it earlier.  Apparently the evidence does clearly show that the single most dominating factor in whether men become verbally or emotionally (or physically maybe) abusive is that their father was abusive in this way. 

Questions running through my mind now:

• Is DH trying to pin the blame on his mum or dad, rather than take responsibility for his own actions?
• If so... well, is that all wrong? 
• Or is he totally to blame? 
• What does this mean for our children? 
• Are they destined to continue this cycle?
• How can I break it? 
• Is it too late?
• Will Dh actually change if all he is doing is transferring blame for his behaviour from me to his parents?

As you can see, confusion still reigns supreme.  I am not sure how to even respond to these discussions.  It will be a while before I can truly sense my gut reactions, I guess, and probably even longer til I can trust and believe them.

Another thing today was that DH asserted that he did (abuse) the same as his dad but 'not as badly'.  Again, I don't know because I wasn't there and don't know his dad very well.  But, this sounds like slipping back into minimising his behaviour to me....  Again, didn't know how to respond so just looked at him.

Then he said that The Book laid 'everything' out really clearly and practically... though 'harshly'.  Then he looked at me and I replied 'no, realistically' and he shrugged.

These little exchanges and conversations keep confusing me a little, because I'm not sure how to respond.  I feel my senses and reactions are still dulled from years of 'keeping the peace' and 'holding my emotions in' because they were too overwhelming for dh. 

And I'm so tired after yet another 5am early wake up of racing thoughts <sigh>

Oh, why is this feeling like such a long road?

Those things I keep thinking about...

The small things:
The time I made dh a sandwich for work.  I didn't often do it because 1. he left before 7am for work and 2. he was incredibly fussy and always complained about something.  i.e. that I hadn't dabbed the sliced cucumber with tissue to stop it being too wet.

Anyway, I was up early one morning.  I made dh a sandwich and even dabbed the cucumber with tissue!  When he got home from work this was our conversation:

DH: Thanks for making that sandwich for me, it was so nice.

Me:  That's Ok.

DH: I even told <colleague> about it.  I said "look at this sandwich my wife made for me.  Isn't that nice".  Well, he just shrugged and said "My wife makes me sandwiches every day".  He doesn't even think about it.

 This was a deliberate backhanded jibe, that left me just feeling bad and wishing I never made the sandwich.

The medium things:
My dh was picking me up after work one day.  I finished teaching my class and carried all my stuff out (4-5 boxes/bags of stuff) and loaded the car.  I got in the car and said hello to dh and to my youngest who was in the car - he was around 12 - 16 months old at the time.  My DH was just staring at me.  This was our conversation:

DH: Aren't you going to say sorry?

Me: What for?

DH: Being late.

Me: But I'm not late.

DH: You said you were finishing at 12.

Me: I did finish at 12.

DH: It's 12.15 and we've been sitting there for fifteen minutes.

Me: You know I have to clear up the room and pack my stuff away.  I finish teaching at 12.

DH: (Shouting) YOU SELFISH BITCH!  YOU CAN NEVER SAY SORRY CAN YOU?

Me: (Shouting back) WHAT'S GOING ON?  WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME?

DH: YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING SELFISH BITCH!  YOU CAN NEVER ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY!  YOU'RE SO FUCKING SELFISH!

This carried on all the drive home, with me asking him not to shout this stuff as he'll scare the baby.  I got out of the car at home totally shell-shocked, hugging the baby to me and running in the house.  I didn't know what the hell had happened.

About 4 hours later, dh said "sorry I got angry, I forgot you have to clear away and it takes 15 minutes"  Nothing about the horrible abuse he yelled at me, nothing about the fact that even if he did forget, or even if I was 15 minutes later than I'd said it wouldn't have justified what happened.

He must have felt bad for him, because this is one of only a handful of times that he has spontaneously apologised for anything he has ever done.

The big things:
One particular incident happened when we'd been living together about six months - together for under a year.  I was working in an office and had gone out for a drink with three or four colleagues.  We all got quite drunk and a couple of them came back to our house, as you do when you are 20 or 21.  One of them was this guy P.  He was hilarious and I got on well with him.  He was a bit of a rich boy, with a girlfriend who was a model, and went to Henley and Ascot and so on.  We didn't have anything in common, I didn't fancy him but he was funny and we got on really well.

So, back at our house, dh was there with a couple of his friends and we came in.  One of my colleagues instantly lay on the sofa and fell asleep.  I carried on drinking with P, and we were mucking about on the computer.  Just being idiots.  Computers were new then (mid-late 90's) and we didn't really know how to use the internet and were drunk, we were just arsing about and laughing our drunk heads off.  At some point dh and his friends disappeared.

I now know that they were 'calming him down' because he wanted to punch P's head in.

At some point I wobbled up the stairs to go to the loo (in fact I think I vomited) and as I was coming out of the loo dh came and grabbed me and yanked me into our bedroom.  He shoved me on the bed.  I was so drunk I started to pass out and couldn't talk.  He was saying something about P and about me flirting with him and wanting to have sex with him.

I was too drunk to respond, in fact I couldn't move.  Then dh undressed my bottom half and started jabbing his fingers inside me, making lewd comments.  I just froze.  I was too drunk to get up and do anything about it, or jump up and yell at him to stop.  My reaction was to 'act dead' and I didn't move.  I thought that once he'd realised I wasn't really conscious he'd stop.

He didn't.  He proceeded to have horrible, jabbing sex with me, his face screwed up with hate.  I knew that I'd be blotting it out or minimizing what happened in the morning, I knew that if I said anything he'd say I was drunk or he was drunk or whatever.  I tried to get it into my head that I needed to leave him in the morning.

Instead, in the morning he was indignant and devastated that I was flirting and wanted to have sex with P, and somehow it was twisted round until I was reassuring him that I didn't want anyone else, that I loved him, that I didn't flirt with other guys, apologising for getting drunk and everything else.

--
All these things are running through my head all the time (along with hundreds of other incidents).  I'm trying to think about them more clearly, use them to bolster my confidence that I've done the right thing, and probably a little bit to prove to myself and others that he really was abusive... it's not a figment of my imagination or sign of my over-sensitivity.

It's difficult.  Really difficult.

It's my home now.

My husband has moved his stuff out.  I am paying the rent now.  My name is on the tenancy agreement.  My name is on all the bills.

So, when will he stop thinking it's his house?  I know this is probably a 'time' thing but he keeps turning up, walking in the back door and just going wherever.  He walked through the house to the toilet.  He walked in, took a pan, a jar of pasta sauce and a picture out of the hall (that he'd changed his mind about wanting).  None of the actions I mind, it's just the waltzing in without even waiting for me to come downstairs, and clearly thinking it's still his home.

I'm not sure how to address this.  Nobody uses the front door in our house apart from the postman, because the parking and driveway are in the back garden.   But I still think he could knock at the back door, or call and wait for me to appear and then ask if it's Ok to go to the loo, get something from the kitchen, go upstairs or whatever.

Maybe I'm being harsh, and I need to give him time to realise this isn't where he lives now.  I'm just not sure.

His stuff is gone.

Exactly two weeks after the initial argument (and we are catching up now with 'real' time as this was on Friday, and now it's the following Monday) dh picked up the keys to his new flat.  About 1/4 mile or so away from our house - an easy walk.

I can't quite believe how quickly everything has happened.  My head is still spinning, and I'm only just coming out of what I believe to be a state of shock.

I sent him a list by email, room by room, of all his items and anything he might want.  He replied with a yes/no/maybe after each item, then asked me to pack up his stuff.

I was in two minds about whether to do this, but in the end decided I'd rather do it myself than have him wandering around the house for hours, in and out of drawers etc while the children watched.  Or while we were all out.

It amounted to a few boxes and a couple of items of furniture, a few pictures, paperwork and so on.  As a result the house pretty much looks the same.

On Friday I was overcome with emotion and lay in the bath for 1/2 an hour just quietly sobbing.  I had felt a build up of grief and sorrow, it was almost physical in that it was a gradually building pain and throbbing in my head, and it was relieved after I had had a good cry.  I know there is a long way to go yet for the grieving process over this marriage, and I can feel it will be a slow process.

Dh then came over to pick up a few things such as spare bedding for his flat.  He stood in our bedroom and looked at a photo in a frame of us together and looked at me, welling up.  I had only stopped sobbing in the bath about an hour before and was feeling slightly peaceful so I just looked away.  He then looked at me with a look like 'you heartless cow' because I wasn't joining in the welling up about him moving out.  I felt such a surge of rage!  How dare HE be even crying!  All he has ever needed to do was stop being abusive and we could have had a happy marriage and life as a family.  Instead he has dragged me/our kids/ us through the wringer for fourteen years and here he stands self-righteously pitying himself and offended that I'm not joining in.  I ignored him, though, and went downstairs to stand by the door waiting for him to leave.

On Saturday dh came round to pick up the furniture and boxes with his friend.  This was incredibly awkward because they were mucking about, making jokes and laughing and I just wanted them out of the house.  They were making jokes about divorce courts, and 'who get's what'.  It might have been a coping strategy, but I doubt it, knowing them.  It was so inappropriate, all the children where there.  I wondered where that heartbroken man from the night before was...

Abuser Programme consultation

On Friday, dh went along to his consultation to see if he was a suitable candidate for the abuser programme.  He has been accepted onto the programme.  He will have two individual consultations, then go into a weekly group programme.  He starts on the 7th February.

Apparently the 'women's support worker' will be contacting me about it during the next week or so.  This is a good sign, as it ticks the first in the list of 'How to assess whether the abuser programme is effective' from The Book.

I was roller skating and then swimming with the children while dh was going to this.  Afterwards, in the car park I received a call from him.

He was telling me the cost of the sessions (high) and then said he was only doing this because he wanted us to get back together, and before he went ahead he wanted to know if that's what I wanted too.  So, unlike his previous assertion that he wanted to change for himself, already I'm hearing that he is only doing this to get back together (get what he wants).  He's also asking me to commit to this, as long as he completes the programme.  How do I know if he'll complete the programme AND change?  I know it's early days and I can't expect him to be nonabusive right now, but I did find his speed at pressuring me annoying.  I told him frankly that I can't possibly know how things will pan out and cannot say what I will want in six months or a year or two years time, so he has to decide to attend without knowing the outcome.

I felt like he wanted to ask me, so that if he completed the programme (but stayed the same as the majority do, sadly) and I still didn't get back together with him he could play the victim and blame me for the breakup.

Yet again, I am so so so so thankful that I found that book.  It's like a guide that tells me exactly how he will try to manipulate and play me next.  Nothing is a surprise, and it's really helping me to stay strong and sure in myself.  Or at least act like I am!

I await the call from the support worker and am staying objective, distant but positive regarding his abuser programme.  Not sure if this is the right decision, but I have to hope so.

Enjoying the sunset

It's funny the things that I'm noticing, the things I'm becoming aware of.

It's taking me a while really to feel less jumpy at home.  Not jumpy, freaking out, but jumpy-just-a-little-bit-anxious.  I never felt like I was doing a good enough job, always felt an air of disapproval and suspicion from my husband.  Was never 100% comfortable.  If I was, it didn't last long. 

So as I've been living with just the children I have started to relax and remember things.... like....

Driving along I saw a lovely sunset, with hues of orange, pink and red.  I always feel awe and peace with a lovely sunset.  Then it popped into my head - the number of times that I've said "what a lovely sunset" to have my husband respond "that's not a sunset".  When I would question what he meant it would usually end up with some cutting or patronising remarks that made me wish I never mentioned the damn sunset.  This time I said to the kids "look at that lovely sunset" and felt a little bit of me relax knowing that nobody was going to ask me what the hell I was talking about or say that 'nobody would think that was a decent sunset'.

Or as I was driving home after our group I wasn't worrying about what to cook that would be ready quickly but wouldn't be met with a disapproving look or a 'oh, just pasta' type of comment.  Or worse, if I am running late, a barrage of questions that began along the lines of 'I thought your group finished at 3.30?' and ended with him making out I was a liar for  saying it usually finished at 3.30 when *clearly* it didn't always finish at 3.30, and leave me feeling bad but not sure why... because after all I was only 20 minutes later than usual... and... but... and.... oh.  That sort of feeling.

I have spent a lot of time moving around stuff too.  I've moved the shoe-rack to near the door ("why on earth would anyone want to put the shoe rack there?  It blocks the window"), I've taken out a huge shelf unit that was always 1/2 empty and totally inappropriate for the bathroom,  I've cleared out all the old chemical cleaners that I didn't want to have ("Oh please.  That 'green' stuff is crap, it doesn't work." or "They talk such rubbish to sell that stuff, who would fall for that" type comment) etc etc.

We've been thinking about the dog and the hens we've wanted to get for a while.  The children are really interested in animal rescue work and we have wanted to rescue some battery hens and give them a good home in the garden.  And we also want another dog as a companion for our dog, for when we are out of the house sometimes during the day.  However, of course dh just kept saying we didn't have the time (read: I didn't have the time as I wasn't even keeping up with all the jobs he thought I should be doing, let alone more) and we didn't have the money (read: he didn't want to spend the money on *that*).

I signed up for the next two modules of my Open University course.  I gave up the course last year just because of the sheer grinding down of having my husband tell me constantly that I didn't have the time for a course (see above), that he would like to do a course too but he didn't have the time (read: unlike some of us who do 'f. all' in the house), that when he saw me doing any work for my course he had a knot of anger in his stomach because in his opinion I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO A COURSE (or anything else that is not beneficial for the family (read: him) despite the fact I did NOTHING else for myself).

Anyway, skedaddled off on a rant there.  I am very excited about my course.  My previous courses have been in creative writing ("is that the kind of stuff that goes on in your head?  You're sick" was the only response to the only story of mine he ever read, which was a short thriller) but my next courses are: a short course introducing counselling and following that a module on early years research, looking at research and ethics of working with very young children.  I'm really excited about both.

Mainly I have been getting used to the fact that if I've had a busy day I can sit down for ten minutes and read a book without disapproval, or read or write a blog without disapproval, or eat pasta for 2 days in a row without disapproval.... or whatever!

It's starting to feel a little liberating, being free to be myself.  But I'm nowhere near *there* yet.  I'm still feeling for those boundaries and feeling surprised that they are not there.

The rest of Week 2

Two days after the email exhange about 'the book' and I still hadn't heard anything.  It was the Wednesday. 

I was on my emotional rollercoaster.  One minute feeling quite positive, one minute feeling dreadful and hollow.  The continual contact needed with family (wondering if you are Ok) sometimes helped and sometimes really didn't.  The contact with banks/bills/utilities/landlord/benefits agencies was really something I could have done without at this stage.

The children seem to spend a lot of time watching movies or reading at the moment.  I think it's some basic escapism and something I'm doing too.  The youngest seemed confused about who was living where, and what house we were going to live with and asked lots and lots of questions at this point.  He's only just turned five, so I answered as best as I could.  He didn't seem upset or sad, just confused.

On Wednesday I got a text from him to say he'd been looking for abuser programmes to contact, without much joy and had spoken to a counsellor nearby who wanted to talk to me before seeing if she could recommend anyone.

I phoned her a couple of times at the time she specified but got no answer.  While waiting I decided to go on her website to see what she was about.  She seemed to specialise in 'getting people to address relationship issues caused by childhood problems'.  That wasn't all it said but there was no mention of any 'abuser programmes' so I started to wonder if he was trying to go along the 'it's your fault, you are oversensitive: it's your fault, you haven't dealt with childhood issues' line again.  This is another thing.  I'm not sure of myself!  I am now suspicious, but wonder if I'm over reacting...

I was pondering how to respond to this when I got a text from my husband saying not to bother with that counsellor because he had spoken to somebody from an abuser programme that runs around an hour away (the nearest one) and he is having his initial consultation on the Friday.

I was blown away, because it seems that he's kind of moving in the right direction.  So I felt really emotional then.

I couldn't (and can't) believe how much had happened in ten days.

Why Does He Do That, 3 copies in the post.

So, my new 'Bible': Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men I ordered three copies from Amazon last week.  I got them at the beginning of the second week of separation.

My plan was - one copy for my sister who has been out of a very physically violent relationship for over ten years but still struggles with it all.  I think it will be really helpful for her.

One copy for me.  I've been reading a copy on loan from the library but was unable to highlight anything obviously.  So I was looking forward to sitting down with a pen and a bunch of those mini post-it's to go through the book so that I could find info that was useful easily.

The third copy.  Well, this was going to be a risk but my plan was to give it to my husband to read.  I didn't know what might happen, but I will stick my neck out and be painfully honest here and say that the small ray of hope somewhere deep inside that has so stubbornly refused to die out was still shining strong.  Somewhere inside me is the hope that he might read it, see the truth for what it was, seek help with an abuser programme, be one of the tiny minority to see it all the way through, be one of the tinier minority who *actually* change for good and then we might actually have a healthy, happy relationship.

I know in my head that this probably ain't gonna happen.  But that ray of hope is a dratted, stubborn thing that seemingly can't be stamped out.

My head was telling me to be careful, he'll go mad when he even sees this book.  But I couldn't help but hope, for him - for me - for us - for the family, that it might start off the journey that leads something I've always hoped for.

My husband was having the children on the Saturday and Sunday (day 8 and 9) so my plan was to give him a bag of his stuff and put the book in it at the bottom.  Then when he would be back at his place I would text him.

Day 7 - a busy day

The last day of the first week was a very busy day.  We go to a family group that lasts all day and is exhausting.

I thought we might all want to take a little Time Out from life for a while, but it turns out that what is best for the children is to keep up the usual routine, for them to see their friends and have the reassurance that life has not stopped.

I couldn't face telling twenty people what had happened so I emailed the group to let them know.  This meant that it was very hard seeing more sympathetic faces, and I was on the edge of tears virtually the whole day.  I did end up offloading everything onto one of the other mums.  Told her everything about us in about a 1/2 hour monologue, and I hope she doesn't mind or think I'm crazy now...

The thing is everyone who knows him thinks he's such a friendly, easy going, affable man.  As do I.  But he's not all (or even most) of the time that man.  But, do I want to tell everyone every detail of everything that's happened over our lives?  Now, no.  Not at all.  So then it becomes difficult when people naturally want to know "what happened?".  Because I'm not happy - yet- to admit to most people I know that my husband manipulated, lied and emotionally abused me for all these years.  That he's almost destroyed everything that I thought I knew.

Emotional Abuse.  It seems like a modern made-up name for something not-that-bad.  That's what I'm guessing people think.  If you've lived at the bitter end of it, you know how insidious and destructive it is. 

Anyway, the children again seemed Ok.  A bit more reflective and quiet.  I am trying hard not to take out my upset on them, but sometimes they frustrate me and I feel like the bitch-mother-from-hell.  I have shouted at them a couple of times over the last week, which is the last thing they need.

<I only hoped that week 2 would be better>

Day 6 - Telling the Children

My husband had asked me to tell the children he was working away til he got himself a flat nearby.  My experience before was that when he was on his own he 'broke down and couldn't stop himself telling them' and he made it all a lot more traumatic than necessary.  If you have never seen your dad cry and suddenly he is hysterical, sobbing about having to leave you then naturally you're devastated.

So, I opted to brace myself and tell them on the morning of Day 6 because he was going to see them for the first time that evening.

I tried to think about how to tell them, tried to think of the best ways to break the news to them, I looked it up online and in the end just went with the flow of what I felt best.  I just told them that we had decided to separate, that dad had moved out and was looking for somewhere nearby to live, that they'd see him every weekend and a couple of times in the week or whenever they felt like it.  They were shocked but didn't look surprised.  They had heard the shouting and been upset then dad had not been there for 6 days, so I guess they had an idea of what was going on. 

They didn't say a lot.  I asked if they were sad about that, they said they were.  I said that was ok, that I was sad too.  I asked if they had anything they wanted to ask, they said no.  I said that they could always ask dad or I if they wanted to know something or talk something over.  They said Ok.  Then they sort of went on as normalish.  DS1 acted a bit over-the-top cheery, but that is his usual nervous-anxious sort of behaviour.

Once they were told I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and realised how much I had been feeling sickened about telling them.  I don't want to destroy their lives, and only hope that what I'm doing is going to make their lives a lot better.  Maybe not today, but in the long run.

Later on we went to visit a friend with children they enjoy playing with.  They had a great time.  Unfortunately she had a couple of other visitors, one I don't know well and one I'd never met, which meant 2 hours of 'socialising' for me that I really could have done without.  And sympathetic looks!!  I swear, they will kill me before this is all over.

Day 4 and Day 5

I was really down on days 4 and 5.  Very upset.  I had to speak to lots of different people (benefit agencies mainly) and repeat the words "my husband and I have separated".  When said over and over again, it seems to get more and more heartbreaking.

I have a book called "It's My Life Now".  It's been helpful in lots of ways, but one of the ways is that they totally 'get' that despite everything we will still be grieving after the end of an abusive relationship.  Grieving for the life we thought we might have, the life we thought we had, the end of the dreams, the end of the companionship (because if you've been there, then you know, it's not all bad) and lots of other things.  Not everyone will of course feel like this, especially if it's been a relatively short-lived relationship, but most will and most will grieve for different things.

I didn't really speak to my husband over these few days, and I felt kind of numb-yet-desperately-sad.  I had contacted my homeopath to ask for some remedies to help me through the anxiety and fear that I was feeling.  I hadn't received them at this point, but was spraying the old rescue remedy like it was going out of fashion.  It did help, somewhat.

Good sleep has also been a thing of the past.  I seem to drift off Ok (because I'm exhausted from the emotions of the day probably) but wake in the middle of the night with everything racing round my head and take hours to get back to sleep, if at all.  I've had more 4-something am wake ups than in a loooong time.  So I was also starting to feel sleep deprived, which seems to heighten my emotions. 

Day 4 - More emails

I had spent the weekend reading 'The Book' and had decided we would separate.  To keep things amicable, I decided to 'go along with' the same old, same old until my dh had moved properly out of the house.  This is because he has been physically abusive and explosive on occasion in the past, and I am genuinely afraid of what he might do.

This was a Monday and I spent all morning sorting out the practicalities of getting my husband to leave, and getting everything sorted for us.

My email:

Hi

 

I spoke to housing benefit today and although they can't guarantee it til they've seen everything and had the application it looks like I would be able to get housing benefit. 

However, as part of the HB claim I need to prove we are not together by having a single tenancy, not joint and have all other benefits paid into a single not joint account.  On this basis I have today contacted tax credits and child benefit to advise of the change of circumstances and change payment to my X account.  Also, I have contacted X (Landlord) and they need a letter signed by both of us asking to give up the tenancy, and then they will issue a single tenancy for me.

 

If you want to take the children swimming at X tomorrow that's fine, nothing else is planned.  I will meet you there, then hang around in X or whatever and pick them up afterwards.

 

I'm giving a lot of thought to our myriad of issues and problems, nothing is resolving in my head.  Even if I apologise for the money going on the card, that's like a drop in the ocean of our actual problems. 

 

If I could honestly believe that you could stop believing that you are entitled to tell me how I should live my life, spend my time and sit in judgement on whether I am 'good enough' in so many areas of our lives then I would drop everything to be together as a family.  I want us to be a family, I consider you not only my husband and the father of my children, but also one of my longest term friends.  I don't want us to not be together.  The thought is destroying me, but the thought of living with someone who insists on trying to run my life and judge me is going to destroy me even more.  So, I see no choice but for us to be apart.