My art

As part of my counselling session last week my counsellor asked me to complete two pictures.  One to illustrate my emotions now:

and my emotions as I want them to be after the counselling:

The first one represents the 'light at the end of the tunnel' and the swirling emotions that are going on most of the time.

The second one is showing how I hope that life will be mainly peaceful, light and happy but obviously still some emotions here and there.

First therapy session

This was on Wednesday and was totally positive and altogether brilliant.  I like the therapist a lot, she is completely human, encouraging, empathetic and talks almost as much as I do!  It was practical which is the kind of therapy I find useful, rather than the talking-endlessly-and-raking-over-the-past therapy which leaves me wishing I had never started.

The therapist has a lot of experience with domestic violence, and knew her stuff about emotional abuse which was a real relief!

Anyway, she has written up and sent me the notes, so there is no need for me to repeat everything.

It was a pleasure to talk with you on the 6th and I am sure we can work effectively and speedily together to achieve your aims. 

I forgot to ask if you would mind completing an evaluation sheet and I am attaching it now, if you could manage to think back to how you were feeling the week before we spoke and then you can give me your scores next time.  

I would like to begin by commending you on your determination and courage in pursuing the Open University degree despite your husband’s disapproval.  And of course, it almost goes without saying, your strength and bravery in separating from A.   

It seems that he may be genuine about changing, although you are not really kept up-to-date by the support worker, and you do have some suspicions that he was angling to leave for several weeks prior to you asking him to, for some unknown reason. 

It is unfortunate to say the least that your childhood pattern of being abused and criticised was reinforced by A’s behaviour.  And you have done extremely well in keeping and nurturing a kernel of self-belief and self-worth, despite your childhood and the almost constant drip-drip of A’s criticism and disapproval. 

Of course, this old pattern will have bolstered your self-criticism and it was clear that you have been very hard on yourself.  Let’s take *eldest daughter*, who herself said you are a great Mum.  You absolutely did your best with the skills/knowledge that you had and under the circumstances (becoming and then being a victim of marital abuse) in which you inadvertently found yourself.  Not to mention that A proved to be quite a good father to her until his “own” children were born, when he seems to have gone slightly peculiar, to say the least!  There is absolutely no evidence that *eldest daughter* has been damaged, which goes to your own parenting, as well as the relationship she has with her Dad – for which you must also take some credit for nurturing.  So, this may be the time to start to put away that old myth. 

It is clear that you are highly motivated with all your children. 

I would like to remind you that “repeat victim syndrome” is an explanation of the past, not a foretelling of the future.  You have made significant changes and I see absolutely no reason to imagine that you have not broken already out of that syndrome. 

I am attaching a copy of Mind Your Language which will remind you of some of “the rules”, e.g. no tries, no should or should haves, as well as the Culture Web of which you may find it helpful to complete some of the sections.  (a Mind Mapping exercise)

I also asked you to draw a couple of sketches – how you feel now and how you will feel when we have dealt with the issues. 

In our next session, or possibly the subsequent one, depending on how we go, we will get rid of the flashbacks you have had to the childhood abuse, so that they don’t bother you anymore.

So, I have some homework to do before the second session this week.  

Since the last email exchange with dh, I have cut off communication beyond anything about the children.  He was almost successful in distracting me off the issue of his abuse by talking about the so-called abuse I inflicted on him during our relationship.  I am too easily led down these ridiculous paths, so I'm just putting a halt to that.

I have to say that I've spent almost a week now absolutely certain that we are not going to get back together - that I don't want to.  I can't think of him without thinking what an arsehole he has been, and by all accounts still is!  Long may it continue.

How I was emotionally abusive to him.

Continuing on from the emails in the previous post, my husband today replied with his information about how I was emotionally abusive to him during our 15 year relationship:

I dont think i will be telling you anything i havent said before but the things i am having difficulty in distinguishing between abuse and whatever you want to call it are:

15 yrs of being made to feel guilty if i have gone out. When i gave the example of playing football I was trying to justify for you why you should have acted so negatively about me just playing football. I can understand with the P (ex -girlfriend that he still took out when we were living together) thing why you would feel anxious about me doing anything with R (P's brother), but apart from that i can only  think of 1 thing i have done to make you 'react' in an abusive way (regarding me socialising). The other is maintaining a friendship with E (a female friend that was in love with him)  for longer than i should, from my point of view I really liked her as a friend and thought that if i broke up our friendship because i had a girlfriend it would belittle the friendship we had and suggest there was more than friendship, from her side there was and you helped me see that it was therefor inappropriate to continue a friendship with her. I dont think you have reacted or been abusive regarding this though.

Right from the beginning of our relationship you didnt like to be left at home, not that we never went out together but yes sometimes once or twice a week i would go to pub with R (his best friend) and get drunk. I dont think it was as infrequent as i would like to remember, neither was it as frequent as you would. But it was normal for a 19 - 30 yr old to do. Should i have been more understanding that you sometimes couldnt go out because of A (my eldest daughter from a previous marriage)? If I had been every other night out on the town then yes, but the frequency i was going out no, not at all. Yes when we had E  then F (two of our children) there probably were times that I should have not gone out, so when you reacted to this i put it down to your nature of wanting to control my limited social life.

This did not suddenly just stop, over the years we have both matured and that sort of thing isnt as much of an issue, R (his best friend) wedding year was pretty heavy granted.

Last year when I went to 3 peaks my phone ran out of battery and you replied to the pictures i sent you from B's phone, You sent a message brimming with support and love, B read it out to everyone on the coach and it was really nice to hear such words of love that contrasted with everything else that you had sent to my phone and conversations we had had up until a few hours before that generally revolving around 'i dont know why you had to go up the day before/ this is just another excuse for a piss up/how much money have you spent blah blah blah. Being the abusive cynic i am i assume you wanted to portray some kind of loving and supportive wife wishing your husband well. maybe you just meant it as a joke, whatever motivated you to write that stuff it was really nice and would have been nicer if the only bit of moral support you sent was when other people werent watching. Why am i banging on about this and remebering such a small and insignificant detail that as usual i am sure you have forgot because you dont hang on to things like i do. Because i think it shows you know you behave inappropriatly but in front of people like to give a different more positive image. Is it reaction to how i am with you? i dont think so, it reminds me of someone who can scold someone then turn on a sugary smile for all to see, i wonder where i'm getting that reference from. (reference to my mum)

So in general ,years of ongoing critisism of me going out, not a few isolated occassions but constantly and gradually subsiding as the years have gone on.

We have discussed this already many times and i asume your stance is still that I should have only gone out the number of times in a year that you find acceptable. This wasnt something that grew into a bigger problem as my abusiveness became more prevaillant but started right from the beginning. From when i went to that rave, we just remember from our own perspective. Looking back now i dont see why I should have gone with you, I never asked you to go, you hated the music, you hated the scene, i didnt want you there and assumed you would not want to be there. You had your own assumptions that i think were if A goes out then I go out with him.

I know it is futile and you see me as raking up the past, but when you tell me that you were not being at best clingy and at worst controlling, but reacting to my abusiveness, I do not think that that part was abusive, and it did affect our relationship right from the start for years and years.

Another part i hate thinking about is that i feel you bullied me into having kids. I dont think you can ever be ready to have a family, but you can be ready to want one. I wanted to wait. J (relate) counsellor brushed this aside when I brought it up, I will talk in [abuse programme] about it. I love my children with all my heart and i dont like to bring it up but i feel you bulldozed your agenda, and it was such a big thing.

Disagreements on jobs/where to live/ houses/ how to spend money/decorating/ raising kids etc etc.

When you said you feel you had contributed about 50/50 to our problems in the relationship I did get the wrong end of the stick. The things you have listed with the exception of money have been i think fairly healthy debates where you have had a point of view and we possibly argued and we have ended up doing what you suggested in the first place, and with hind sight your plans/objectives have served us well on those things and they were good decisions. 

I thought you may have been admitting to bringing some kind of negative feelings ( generally associated with abuse) like jealousy, control, blaming etc. All you have referenced are things that good and positive decisions have come out of. So the only things you feel you have contributed 50/50 on are positive things. You do not feel you have done anything detrimental in our relationship for the whole 15+ years except in reaction to me. Maybe you could clarify what you are thinking of when you say you have done 'stupid' and 'idiotic' things, or were you just saying that but not meaning anything at all?

This email irritated me so much, for so many reasons.  My reply:

Ok.  I have taken all the bumph out of my list and whittled it down to bullet points (as you know).  Then I've printed it out and kept it so I can remind myself of the abusive incidents and everything.  Maybe you'll find it helpful to do the same?

• 15 yrs of being made to feel guilty if i have gone out.

• you bullied me into having kids

I've read through a couple of times but I think that's the whole list?

Yes, I know I'm being flippant/sarcastic but the whole self-righteous tone of your email just brings it out.  When you compare how abusive you have been to these two points I don't know how you've got the front to harp on about this stuff.  I really don't.

I will say again.  In a relationship where I received snarky remarks and constant disapproval for doing *anything* that wasn't cleaning/cooking/with the kids (reading blogs, being online, reading a book etc) then in my opinion, it would be a natural reaction for *most* people to then be resentful when that same person goes off regularly (every 2-3 months would have been extremely frequent compared to how often I did) overnight or for longer. 

We 'remember that differently' re: you going off and leaving me.  I'm sure I said something like that I didn't have anywhere to go and maybe I could come along to see what kind of thing you like to go to, and you said 'whatever but you won't like it' kind of thing.  I reassured that I would.  I got ready, you told me the car was full and left.  So no, you didn't invite me and maybe I shouldn't have 'invited myself'?  Maybe I didn't trust you because you had sworn you weren't doing drugs any longer (which I insisted due to us moving in together with Alyssa), maybe that's why you didn't want me to come - as you said a couple of emails ago 'I didn't want you to see me off my face'.  So you obviously still were.

Again, with the four peaks.  I did ask you how come a 24 hour walk was turning into a 3-4 day jolly.  This was not me being unsupportive and not wanting you to go out anywhere as you say.  It was due to the fact that last year you were away for about 2 weeks altogether (not including the 4 peaks) without your family while we went nowhere.  So, I did think you had some front and not a lot of sensitivity to be then choosing to go off for another jolly, and yes that irritated me.  Again, most people would probably think that I reacted quite normally.  But my memory was that during the whole time you were away (while you had your phone battery on) I was supportive.  I was supportive before too and I was proud of you afterwards and think I showed it.  But it is again, the context of my reactions.  In the context of the times you went away last year and my total lack of freedom to do anything - it was actually probably quite restrained.  So, if you think I'm taking this 'you were totally unsupportive and then only nice in public' thing to heart you can think again.  Stop playing the Victim.

As far as forcing you to have kids.. I don't know what to say about that.  Yes, I did put a lot of pressure on you about this and I shouldn't have done that.  I think I've apologised in the past about that and can say 100% that I will never do that again.  Like you say, it's difficult to discuss because we both love our kids and are happy to have them.

I have to laugh when you imply that I bulldoze you into doing everything that I want.  I believe that is a totally unrealistic portrayal of our life together.  Totally.  There have been a few things that have been really important to me that I've not allowed you to bulldoze me on (specifically certain things to do with the kids, home ed, moving here to K). 

You ask what are the stupid and idiotic things that I was referring to and probably the only one is in the list at the top.  I shouldn't have been so insistent about having children and 'bulldozed' you as you say.

As far as my attitude to you going out, well - that was created in my opinion by the way you have treated me.

And so where does that leave the idea that I'm emotionally abusive?  All I see here are distractions away from the main issue (your abusiveness), trying to shift as much blame as possible from you to me, and attempts to justify your behaviour.  

I got a reply to my email pretty quickly and it was at this point that I decided to pull the plug on this ridiculous exchange that was certainly not good for my mental health or anything, really for that matter.  I know already that I can never present information or argument that would every change his mind, no matter what it is, so I may as well stand and bash my head against a brick wall than sit down and expend time and energy on this sort of exchange.  He doesn't want to, and never will, ever concede my point of view.

Your sarcastic comments you start with? would you find it more validating if i gave you more than 2 things i am not happy with? I dont see this as a contest of who can score more points against the other. I realise that the whole part of this discussion is sidetracking from looking at me as an abuser so have looked at things that I find particularly important to me, if that means there are only 2 points then that is that! Since looking at abuse as the problem I fairly quickly came to agree that yes i have been abusive on many different levels, I dont think you are an abusive person but i do think that the 2 points i have raised use abusive techniques.

 

Why are you not listening to what i am saying, is it because I then wouldnt fit into your pigeonholed profiling. I can understand over time how you would have started reacting to me being abusive which is why i am looking far back to the start when you were even more controlling, considering as time has gone on we have had kids and more responsiblities your controlling nature has mellowed rather than gotten worse.

 

You have any right to tell me how to live my life or spend my time, in any way

 

It would be totally hypocritical to treat me as you have over the years as well as expecting the above,  now you have become less controlling to non-existant and think you have always been like that? or that anything you have done is in reaction to me despite you being like that from the very start. you have the gaul to call me self righteous.

 

Your recollection of what happened when i went clubbing is wrong. It was about 2 weeks in to our relationship, you were still living at <ex-husband's>, at that time you made no demands regarding drugs. AS (friend) and her bloke were going into london and you had assumed we could both go with them or both go to a rave. I just wanted to go without you raving (sad i know) but its what i wanted. We discussed what to do, you tried to make me feel bad by saying stuff like 'when people are together they go clubbing together, thats what 'normal' couples do' and that 'i wouldnt like it if you wanted to go clubbing without me' and you were right i wouldnt have liked it, but that would have been my abusive side trying to stop you doing stuff. You will probably say i am harping on again, my main point is that this was 2 weeks into our relationship, very early, I would be open to the suggestion that you were 'reacting' to something I did, but you were speaking from your own beliefs, it happened to soon in our relationship for it to be reaction to me.

 

4 peaks stuff - while i was away we spoke and texted, you were frosty to the point of just pissed off with me, i accept it probably was partly in reaction to me. But the text to Bs phone was so contrasting that when i got my phone working I showed him the conversations we had been having, it made your nicey nicey one just laughable. If you dont want to look at why you would be like that then fine. Yes you emailed round to help get money and wished me well, but the text to Bs phone was from another person. If i am playing the victim so what if you cant look at yourself.

 

You misunderstand bulldozing, i was only talking about having kids.

 

Moving to <present house>? as soon as i saw the house i was signing on the dotted line. My only point was that it would drive us further into debt, which it did.

 

So just to confirm your 50/50  negative part you had in our entire 15yr plus relationship was bulldozing your wish to have kids? And that is it. I need to know for when i discuss in <abuser program>

<sigh> why do I let myself be drawn in?  Total waste of time and energy.  No longer - I will be strong!

Pre-therapy email to my new counsellor

She asked me to email her with information about what I am wanting to achieve through counselling, what I am going to counselling for.  I'd already emailed her some background information.  I struggled to figure this out, but had to email something so this is what I wrote:

The situation at the moment is that my husband and I have been separated for about two-and-a-half months.  We would have been together for fifteen years this year.  I would say that we are separated at the moment, but that no definite decision has been made (by me) about whether or not our relationship will continue.  I am waiting to see how things go on his abuser programme, and in the mean time I am trying to get on with my life.  I suppose this puts me slightly in limbo, in that it's not definitely finished or continuing, but as far as I can see this is for the best at the moment - for me. 

I feel like I've been through the shock and grief and sorrow during the first couple of months.  I honestly didn't know what was going on in our relationship - I knew we had major issues and problems that we could never get over, no matter what I did, but realising that *the* major issue was that my husband's behaviour was abusive was a big shock.  I felt a lot of anger, mixed in with pure sorrow and grief.  It might sound ridiculous that I wouldn't have known - especially considering there were 3 incidents of physical/sexual violence, but the vast majority of it was emotional abuse which was much more difficult to identify.   

So, I've been trying to unravel the truth I suppose.  One of the major problems was my husband's insistence that I was a person that I just didn't recognise as myself.  He said I was lazy, selfish, sarcastic, condescending etc and that I had some kind of 'warped' idea of myself as some kind of angel.  Obviously I just knew that what he said wasn't true.  Nobody else said those things and I have quite a lot of friends and acquaintances.  He said that they didn't live with me so didn't know the truth.  Combined with all the other crazy making stuff - him minimising things I felt, denying things he'd said or done, telling me I was misunderstanding things, re-defining my emotions and intentions into negative ones etc etc.  I was, during the last few years, struggling to understand whether my perceptions were just plain wrong.  I wondered how other people viewed me, because I obviously had such an incorrect picture of the kind of person that I was.   

However, through all this, there was a small part of me that just knew the truth and couldn't be persuaded.  He had even resorted to telling me that I hadn't 'gotten over' my childhood (pretty crap) and I just didn't know it.  That my childhood *was* what the problem was in our relationship.  That it had given me no idea of what a healthy relationship was.  He was telling me all the time that I was still effected by all this stuff and twisted around things I'd said to illustrate this fact.  I started to doubt myself and wonder if I just was majorly in denial and unable to recognise all these faults and issues in myself.  I almost had a breakdown about a year ago due to this.  I managed to pull myself back.  Obviously childhood issues can impact hugely, but I've talked and thought a lot about everything that happened during my childhood and I feel actually OK about it.  I can't change it and I don't feel like it's a big part of my life now - I have talked endlessly with my sister about everything and just feel OK.  I don't know how else to describe it, really.  I now believe this was another way my husband was trying to undermine my self-perception and ultimately blame me for everything wrong in our marriage. 

I suppose one thing stops me from just ending the relationship completely.  That is that my husband (and two of our children) have Asperger's Syndrome.  I know from experience how rigid this makes his thinking and how incredibly difficult it is for him to process new information and change his mind about something he has decided.  I know that his father was emotionally abusive, and his mother (with Asperger traits too) decided that some things (money, security) were more important than others (love, fidelity, honesty).  I honestly think that growing up with Asperger's Syndrome in this household that he became hard-wired to believe that this was a healthy and normal relationship.  I suppose in a way I can't blame him for his behaviour as much as I would someone without Asperger's?  Maybe that's a ridiculous thing to think... I don't know. 

Obviously I have to draw the line somewhere, and if it ends up that he just can't change his core values and attitudes then that will be the end because I don't want to repeat the same mistakes with our children. 

So, goals for counselling.  I suppose I want to get to a point where I believe my own perceptions, where I trust myself.  There is a small part of me that does, but a larger part that seeks approval and confirmation from those around me.  I was never like that before I was with my husband, and I want to get back to being the person I really am.  The confident, laid-back, fun person - yes, maybe with heaps of issues, but generally OK and happy.  I've lost that along the way.  I've become serious, anxious and doubtful.  My children don't know the real me really, because it's been covered for so long and that makes me feel incredibly sad. 

I would also like to be confident in my ability to be on my own, and to be able to provide for myself and my family and not to worry so much about that. 

I'm sure there are lots of other things, and apologies if I have rambled on for ages and not said much that is what you wanted or can be used! 

I look forward to talking to you tomorrow

First 'date night'

I had decided at the beginning of our separation that after a 'suitable time' had passed I would want to start seeing dh again, just the two of us.  Well, apparently I felt that nine-and-a-bit weeks was a suitable amount of time because we went out alone together last night (well, early evening).

He'd already been over in the afternoon finishing some jobs around the house that I can't do and that he was supposed to be doing but then obviously left.  I was doing work in the garden so it wasn't much of an issue, but then the children started playing up and acting strangely.  Obviously they were a bit unsettled and wondering what was going on.

I was leaving my youngest (5) for the first time with my eldest (16) so was worried.  He is a very anxious child.  I set up the three younger children with a DVD and popcorn in one of their bedrooms so I knew they'd be engaged for at least an hour an a half.  I explained to the kids that I was going out with daddy to have a talk.  I think this probably added to their confusion and I'm not sure it was helpful, to be honest.

We went out to a pub about 5 minutes away, had a drink together and a chat.  It was very strange.  Not only because we rarely went out alone prior to separation over the last few years, but also because of everything that's been going on.

He talked a bit about his program, what happened last week on it, some of the other guys on it etc.  We talked about how we had approached so many professionals for 'advice' on our relationship and nobody had ever picked up that the problem was abuse.  Then I mused that I used to say to him 'you should have married a doormat, that's the kind of wife you want' or something like that.  He objected, that isn't the wife he would want and X (ex girlfriend) was a bit like that but that's something he didn't like about her etc.  I just said, well you say that you don't want a doormat but all your actions show that you did.

The conversation then moved around to other things, we left and came home and had a cup of coffee.  He asked about support I was getting from the program (not a lot because I'm not local) and what I was going to do.  I mentioned the therapist I am probably going to be talking to and rambled on for a bit about what I'm hoping to get out of it (see previous post!).  He then asked the same question again and I realised he wasn't listening and hadn't been listening for a while.  At that point it all felt a bit pointless really - what I mean by that is that I had nothing to say, he had nothing to say and we were both tired.

I suddenly felt very exhausted and just wanted him to leave.  He turned at the door and apologised for being distracted and said that since I made the 'doormat' comment his head had been racing and he hadn't been able to concentrate on our conversation etc.  I just said 'Bye then' and he left.

So now, I'm feeling deflated by the whole experience and I'm not feeling like I want to repeat it!  The first half hour or so was nice, and felt like it might be useful.  After that it was aimless, wandering, pointless and in parts negative.

Whether I decide over the next week that I still want to continue with the idea of spending a couple of hours together every week - I don't know.  I think discussions about the abuse need to be done by email, for me to feel comfortable.  And I suppose what I'm wondering is - what else is there in our relationship?

Therapy

So, I've kind of absorbed the information that I will need to have some kind of therapy or counselling.  This has cropped up in the past but has never worked out well, so I'm a bit apprehensive about it.  Plus, I have no money.

With this in mind I called the local Domestic Violence charity that offer free counselling.  I called twice.  I emailed them.  I have heard nothing back and have given up now.  I just don't want to go down the GP route, because this has never been good in the past.  Plus, I would like to talk to people who know about emotional abuse and how it effects you.  I'm not confident that the random counsellor who pulled my name out of the hat would know about that.

A friend of mine a while ago had trained in a kind of counselling/approach called The Human Givens which I read up on at the time and was interested in.  It made a lot of sense to me.

By chance I came across a counsellor who uses this approach along with lots of others and also has lots of experience in the field of domestic violence.  She is a long way away, but offers telephone counselling AND asks clients to pay only what they can afford.  I emailed her to say that I have no money right now, but hopefully will be more financially OK in the next couple of months.

She replied with lots of info and wants to talk to me, so I am going to call her tomorrow which I'm excited/worried about.  So, I've been thinking since I heard from her .... what do I actually want to get/achieve from counselling?

I already see a homeopath who has brilliant counselling skills and I feel has helped me see through the worse, most crisis-y part of the separation.  Also, the remedies have really helped.  I talk about it to friends/family a reasonable amount too.  So what do I want from the counselling?  At the moment, I'm not 100% sure on the answer to that one and am going to be thinking about it a lot over the next 24 hours.

The Co-Dependancy 'thing'

Copied from a forum post:

Ok, I am struggling with this whole concept.


Firstly, Lundy says:

"when an abused woman refuses to "look at her part" in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery. She doesn't have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser's perspective."

I feel this goes totally against the whole 'co-dependancy' concept. But I'm wondering if I'm missing the point somewhere?

I don't know if I'm in denial here, but I don't think I am (but then how do you know).

When I look at my story I would say that I feel like I was scammed. Every time something happened in our relationship that was unacceptable I sought to find out what the cause was, and whether I could fix it.
Example, initially we were young and people told me he was just immature and he would grow out of it. He also was using some drugs and when I researched it I found that some of the problems he had were common in people using those drugs. So I gave him an ultimatum and he stopped using those drugs. Then it was a 'self esteem' problem. I researched it, spoke to people and tried to find ways to help his self esteem. Then it was exhaustion caused by having young children and a stressful job. I could empathised and tried to practically help. When I thought I could fix it no more we went to couples counselling where I was told it was a communication problem and that my husband might have Asperger's Syndrome. I was given ideas to help. We went to see an expert and my husband was assessed and we were told he did, indeed, have Asperger's. There is a raft of information and literature about this and suddenly everything was rationalised.

At no point did someone say to me "your husband is emotionally abusive". I sought help and advice from loads and loads of 'experts' and also friends and family. Nobody ever said his behaviour was unacceptable, though I described it in detail. Everyone said 'oh my husband is like that' or 'it's a part of his asperger's, he is physically unable to understand your emotional needs' or 'all men do that' or whatever.

I am co-dependant now, I think. I am co-dependant as a result of the abuse I have experienced. I wasn't co-dependant when we met. I was empathetic, loving, innocent, trusting, generous, forgiving. Probably totally naiive and maybe unsure of myself (I was only 19 years old). I feel like I've been scammed and tricked. I feel like so many people have played along with the trick.

I genuinely had no idea that my husband was just plain old abusive. I believed that there were all these issues that I could help to fix and then it would be OK, because it wasn't just him telling me - it was all these other so-called experts!

My husband was physically abusive 3 times in 14 years, verbally abusive just once. He was emotionally abusive which is so much subtler and more difficult to identify! Hell, Lundy Bancroft has to devote a whole chapter to the topic of how to tell if behaviour is abusive or your partner is having a bad day! Surely that should tell us that it isn't as easy as making a choice not to be treated like that??!

As soon as I realised that it wasn't immaturity/low self esteem/childhood issues/Aspergers but that he was abusive and trying to subtly control me, we separated.

Maybe my story is different from other's, but I just don't believe that I have been co-dependant from the start and have chosen to stay in an abusive relationship.

Anyway, I've rambled enough but I appreciate hearing what other people think on this topic. Like I say, maybe I'm just in denial and it will take longer for me to gain a more objective view. I just can't help distrusting a concept which is.... subtly... saying that it is slightly the woman's fault that she stayed there.

The fog nearly got me again.

Today is Tuesday.  On Sunday morning when A was picking up the children I started talking to him and he came and sat down in the living room.  We chatted for about half an hour.  About this and that, but I wanted to talk to him about this decision I need to make about a new car which has been worrying me.  I haven't made a big decision like this on my own before.  I knew that I would feel happier if he endorsed my decision.  I wasn't happy that this was what I was thinking, but couldn't seem to 'change it' if you know what I mean.

Anyway.  Afterwards I felt really happy.  The contact with him, him endorsing my decision, him being nice.  Then yesterday morning he sent me a valentine's card saying "in case you are wondering.  I love you."  I started to think about the Asperger's (see two posts previous!) and wondering if the abuse was somehow caused by the combination of the Asperger's and his father being emotionally abusive.  And whether this meant there was more hope for change than the usual abuse case.

I started to feel upset about us finishing and thought I needed to vent (see post previous to this one). Of course he replied, a long explanation about different things.  We had a text conversation last night mainly about his Abuser programme which he had the second session of yesterday.  In his reply to my email were a couple of points I needed to address including one where he had 'redefined reality'.  I went to sleep and had a poor night's sleep.

This morning I woke up and thought Oh My God.  I nearly got sucked back in there!  I nearly started discussing these disagreements to try to 'make it clear' to him because he was 'forgetting' or 'misunderstanding' what actually happened.  I was minimising the abuse in my head while looking for research on Asperger's, starting to wonder if it was that bad.  I physically felt myself disregarding and starting to 'forget' or 'explain' the worse aspects.

It's so scary to see how easily and quickly I could be sucked back in, even after a month of being separated.  I feel like I had a bit of a narrow escape there.  Dh is expecting an email back in reply to his email and I don't know what to do about that.

I know it will be important to see how the Asperger's has impacted on the abuse, but not right now.  Right now I need to focus on me, and building up self esteem and self confidence, getting counselling to help me through.  In the future it is something I might look into.  Maybe it does mean he is more likely to successfully complete the programme *and* change.  We'll see - but I don't have to worry about that right now.

Sliding back or getting perspective?

Yesterday morning I talked to my dh for about half an hour.  It was nice to talk to him again.  I know, I know.

I've been thinking since.  Something I am really having difficulty with, and which I can find no information or advice about, is his diagnosis of PDD-NOS/ atypical Asperger's Syndrome.  I am on an 'emotional abuse forum' which is really helpful and supportive.  But often I just don't see A in the descriptions.  His behaviours have without a shadow of a doubt been abusive, but I'm not sure the motivations and some other aspects are the same as 'usual'.

A number of things make me say this:

1. The physical violence never escalated.  There were 3 incidents (including the sexual violence) over the 14.5 years that we were together.  The last time almost 6 years ago.
2. He has never denied his behaviour. 
3. He is not a 'different' person with other people. 
4. He has seemed genuinely horrified to find out that his behaviour is generally thought of as abusive.

Number one there on the list is pretty self explanatory.  Everything I've read says that if a man is physically abusive it will escalate in severity and frequency.  Neither of those happened.  So, it makes the doubts start to set in.

Number two - well, he has never denied things he has done with the exception of sometimes he denies remembering things that he has said.  This is difficult, because the psychologist who diagnosed the Asperger's explained how it has been shown in brain tests that during heightened emotional exchanges (arguments usually) the part of the brain responsible for laying down memories to long term memory closes down in order to divert energy to processing the difficult emotional reactions.  There was a neat, scientifically proven reason why he didn't remember things he'd said in the 'height' of an argument.

Number three.  He does have a different persona with people he has known for a long time.  When his mum is around he is Super Dad and Super Husband so she has a slightly skewed idea of what he does around the house.  He doesn't talk different or act differently towards me or anything.  We have always acted the same together around everyone else as we do on our own at home.  Is this a sign that his behaviour is not conscious but in fact just part of how he is wired?  Oh, he also acts like a prat round his best friend (from school) but again, I find it hard to believe that most guys don't do that?  At least when they are younger.

Number four.  Again, this could be an act.  I don't know.  But when he read The Book he seemed to genuinely have an epiphany that his behaviour towards me was not just 'normal' (apart from the physical abuse which he has always known and said was catagorically wrong) but in fact most people would describe it as abusive.  He seemed shocked and acted immediately - researching different abuser programmes, told his family and friends and has even brought the book for each of them to read.

So, this all leads me to feeling confused.  On the one hand his actions are definitely abusive.  On the other hand there are a lot of questions running around my head.

Is it that a boy born with a slightly different wiring that meant he could not easily see things from other's points of view and had very inflexible thinking (very difficult to change his mind) was unfortunate enough to grow up in a house with an emotionally abusive father that taught him that it's perfectly OK to belittle your partner, demand things from them, criticise them, have control over what they do with their time and so on.  Observing this family dynamic, would a child with Asperger's internalise that as a normal, desirable relationship and then as an adult the in-built lack of empathy and inflexibility mean that he also can't help acting in an emotionally abusive way? 

Or does it just not matter?  Should I not be trying to figure out what's going on in his head?  I guess the thing is, I'm wondering if there is hope here.  There seems to be little to no hope of abusers genuinely changing.  I'm just wondering if there might be, because it's not just black and white.  But is it ever? 

Oh, it's all confusing and I'm falling into the trap of over-thinking and trying to fix our relationship instead of just getting myself stronger and healthier.

Abuser programme contact

I finally got a call yesterday from the 'women's support worker' or whatever she was called.  I had no warning so it threw me a bit.

Started off by asking some random questions, don't know if this was so she could guage the sort of abuse that has happened or what.  It was quite upsetting.  I suppose in this kind of situation I feel an overwhelming need to convince the person that A was abusive.  Ridiculous, but as a result of this urge I have divulged some information recently to numerous people that I wouldn't necessarily have chosen to divulge if I'd had time to stop and think.  <sigh>

Anyway, she was also quite vague about the point of her contact.  She wasn't verifying information that she had, she wasn't offering counselling, she wasn't giving me information about his programme so I was a bit confused I suppose.

Halfway through I remembered the part of The Book (Bancroft WDHDT) that shows how to evaluate the effectiveness of an abuser programme, and a checklist of warning signs that the programme is ineffective.

There were a few warning signs.  She spewed out the old 'confidentiality' thing so that unless something is said in the group that implies I am specifically at risk I won't know anything that is said or done.  This was a warning sign in the book.

Also, I asked what percentage of men who go through the programme change.  She was extremely vague but actually plucked the figure of 80% out of the air!  80%  Unbelievable!  The chances that 80% of the men on the programme come out non-abusive are zero, and the failure to admit that was a big sign that the programme is ineffective.  Under further questions it turns out that 80% of the partners she talks to say that things 'are better'.  Not non-abusive, but better.  And this is during the group.  So, that makes a bit more sense.  I re-iterated that I'm not interested in having a relationship again if he's just not as abusive as he was before, I will only possibly be interested if he is totally non-abusive and I can believe that he is.  This is a tall tall order.  I can't imagine being totally comfortable living with him again.  I just can't.

So, I'm having my doubts about the programme, and just fingers crossed that it's of the Bancroft variety rather than the crap variety.

Abuser programme and contact

DH starts it tomorrow.  And I am anxious.

From reading The Book I know that many of the abuser programmes that are out there are not great.

Apparently I should have been contacted prior to the start of his programme by a 'Women's Support Worker'.  I don't know what they would be talking to me about, because they haven't contacted me which is already not a brilliant sign.  I'll try not to form judgements at this stage though.

DH has two individual 'sessions' with the person running the programme before he starts attending the group.  I'm thinking that possibly I will be contacted after these individual sessions so that I can provide my version of events and tell my story but I don't know.

Bancroft clearly states that the role of the abuser programme should be first and foremost supporting the woman, with the woman as the client.  This means sharing information and providing advice on dealing with the abuser if necessary, and getting support for recovering from the abusive relationship.  I hope I hear from them soon, otherwise I just feel the programme will be doomed to fail.  Already DH has started making noises about the cost of the programme, and I'm sure after a couple of sessions it will be complaints about the travelling distance and who knows how long til he uses these as excuses to stop attending?  When it get's hard.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but with my experience and the stuff I've read I'm more inclined to say realistic.

Today, I have had contact with DH.  More than in a while.  We took the kids to the cinema - he took the older ones in to see one film and I took the younger one to see a different one.  So, we weren't really together much, but there was still more contact than we've had before.

Afterwards we went (in separate vehicles) to the park where dh stayed with ds who had sprained his ankle and I took the others out to play.  Again, not a lot of time together but more than in the last three and a half weeks.  It was tense and awkward, of course.  All this is new and boundaries need setting.

I've suggested that in the future we might arrange one family afternoon activity a week where we are all together.  Not sure if that's for the best, or a result of my recent feelings of sadness, or what.  I guess the main thing is that I follow my instincts and do what I think is the best.

I'm really starting to feel that sense of enjoyment and comfort at home that I haven't had for many years.  Just a sense of coming home and feeling peace and contentment.  The absence of pressure or anxiety.  I don't fully appreciate it yet as it's a bitter sweet pill, combined as it is with long periods of previously-unknown solitude.

I don't know how long it will take me to fully embrace the freedom and peace AND solitude but I do know that it will come, in time.

The rest of Week 2

Two days after the email exhange about 'the book' and I still hadn't heard anything.  It was the Wednesday. 

I was on my emotional rollercoaster.  One minute feeling quite positive, one minute feeling dreadful and hollow.  The continual contact needed with family (wondering if you are Ok) sometimes helped and sometimes really didn't.  The contact with banks/bills/utilities/landlord/benefits agencies was really something I could have done without at this stage.

The children seem to spend a lot of time watching movies or reading at the moment.  I think it's some basic escapism and something I'm doing too.  The youngest seemed confused about who was living where, and what house we were going to live with and asked lots and lots of questions at this point.  He's only just turned five, so I answered as best as I could.  He didn't seem upset or sad, just confused.

On Wednesday I got a text from him to say he'd been looking for abuser programmes to contact, without much joy and had spoken to a counsellor nearby who wanted to talk to me before seeing if she could recommend anyone.

I phoned her a couple of times at the time she specified but got no answer.  While waiting I decided to go on her website to see what she was about.  She seemed to specialise in 'getting people to address relationship issues caused by childhood problems'.  That wasn't all it said but there was no mention of any 'abuser programmes' so I started to wonder if he was trying to go along the 'it's your fault, you are oversensitive: it's your fault, you haven't dealt with childhood issues' line again.  This is another thing.  I'm not sure of myself!  I am now suspicious, but wonder if I'm over reacting...

I was pondering how to respond to this when I got a text from my husband saying not to bother with that counsellor because he had spoken to somebody from an abuser programme that runs around an hour away (the nearest one) and he is having his initial consultation on the Friday.

I was blown away, because it seems that he's kind of moving in the right direction.  So I felt really emotional then.

I couldn't (and can't) believe how much had happened in ten days.