Sunday, 30 January 2011

Abuser Programme consultation

On Friday, dh went along to his consultation to see if he was a suitable candidate for the abuser programme.  He has been accepted onto the programme.  He will have two individual consultations, then go into a weekly group programme.  He starts on the 7th February.

Apparently the 'women's support worker' will be contacting me about it during the next week or so.  This is a good sign, as it ticks the first in the list of 'How to assess whether the abuser programme is effective' from The Book.

I was roller skating and then swimming with the children while dh was going to this.  Afterwards, in the car park I received a call from him.

He was telling me the cost of the sessions (high) and then said he was only doing this because he wanted us to get back together, and before he went ahead he wanted to know if that's what I wanted too.  So, unlike his previous assertion that he wanted to change for himself, already I'm hearing that he is only doing this to get back together (get what he wants).  He's also asking me to commit to this, as long as he completes the programme.  How do I know if he'll complete the programme AND change?  I know it's early days and I can't expect him to be nonabusive right now, but I did find his speed at pressuring me annoying.  I told him frankly that I can't possibly know how things will pan out and cannot say what I will want in six months or a year or two years time, so he has to decide to attend without knowing the outcome.

I felt like he wanted to ask me, so that if he completed the programme (but stayed the same as the majority do, sadly) and I still didn't get back together with him he could play the victim and blame me for the breakup.

Yet again, I am so so so so thankful that I found that book.  It's like a guide that tells me exactly how he will try to manipulate and play me next.  Nothing is a surprise, and it's really helping me to stay strong and sure in myself.  Or at least act like I am!

I await the call from the support worker and am staying objective, distant but positive regarding his abuser programme.  Not sure if this is the right decision, but I have to hope so.

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