Sunday, 30 January 2011

Day 4 and Day 5

I was really down on days 4 and 5.  Very upset.  I had to speak to lots of different people (benefit agencies mainly) and repeat the words "my husband and I have separated".  When said over and over again, it seems to get more and more heartbreaking.

I have a book called "It's My Life Now".  It's been helpful in lots of ways, but one of the ways is that they totally 'get' that despite everything we will still be grieving after the end of an abusive relationship.  Grieving for the life we thought we might have, the life we thought we had, the end of the dreams, the end of the companionship (because if you've been there, then you know, it's not all bad) and lots of other things.  Not everyone will of course feel like this, especially if it's been a relatively short-lived relationship, but most will and most will grieve for different things.

I didn't really speak to my husband over these few days, and I felt kind of numb-yet-desperately-sad.  I had contacted my homeopath to ask for some remedies to help me through the anxiety and fear that I was feeling.  I hadn't received them at this point, but was spraying the old rescue remedy like it was going out of fashion.  It did help, somewhat.

Good sleep has also been a thing of the past.  I seem to drift off Ok (because I'm exhausted from the emotions of the day probably) but wake in the middle of the night with everything racing round my head and take hours to get back to sleep, if at all.  I've had more 4-something am wake ups than in a loooong time.  So I was also starting to feel sleep deprived, which seems to heighten my emotions. 

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