Tuesday, 8 March 2011

The big question.....

The period of time from when we had our final argument to my husband moving out was 24 hours.  Within a week he had rented a new flat and brought a new car.  It all felt sudden and was a real shock.

Obviously for the previous two weeks or so my husband had also been implying that we were 'about to go through a difficult time' - well he was actually saying it, not implying.  It was like he set everything up to happen like this.

Naturally, this has made friends and family suspicious.  I have also been suspicious on and off, but have had many other emotions and feelings to deal with too.  This has been the bottom of my 'to-do' list of feelings.

Anyway, he called me early evening - 5.30pm ish.  I missed the call, then my phone ran out of battery, then I put the kids in bed etc  so I didn't return the call til after 9pm.  I called twice on his home phone.  Then I called on his mobile. 

He called back and was acting so strange, talking funny, cutting things short and clearly didn't want to talk to me.  At one point I thought I heard whispering.  I asked who was whispering, he said it was the TV which I could also hear in the background, but I'm sure I heard someone whisper.  Then he said "look I'll call you tomorrow, OK".  I said OK, then put the phone down.

Clearly somebody was there.  So, now I guess it's time to suspect.  On one side, well - we are separated and I don't know if/when we'll ever get back together.  On the other side, if he so-called loves me and wants us to get back together then what is he doing if he is having an affair?  At least that will be the definite sign to me.  I will know then that there is no going back, and will have to fully mourn the marriage.  

I know I sound rational here, but I assure you I am physically shaking right now and a whirl of emotion is going through my head.  I would be utterly devastated if he is having an affair, utterly.  I would be distraught.  I still consider us as married and together, just separated while we see if the abuse programme will enable him to recognise and change his abusive behaviour.

But maybe, for him, it's just an excuse to say 'we were separated' when it becomes apparent he has had a relationship.  It doesn't matter though, because there will be nothing to excuse.  Our relationship will be finished if this is what is going on.

Now, in my bloody-mindedness and curiosity I want to call back and see if I can draw him into a discussion about us, where he declares his intention for us to get back together.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

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