DH: I don't know what I think or what to say, from your message it is clear we dcisagree with things that happened in the past, when I see you I don't care about it, when I think of us together as a family it seems futile and petty to bring up the distant past. But as the other night proved sometimes I can't let it go.
ME: I may well not be remembering it as it happened - I just can't remember, it's so long ago and so insignificant for me. I can only comment on those things i can drag from my memory..but just think how does this stuff matter? I just don't get it... Maybe it would help to think about why you want to bring this up and what exactly you WANT me to say - I presume there is something? Agree with you? Apologise for being insanely jealous in the past just like you? Tell you I am just as much to blame for everything as you? Just what do you want from this discussion? I can only presume it is the blame game again?
DH: Each individual thing may seem insignificant but all put together they make the abusive stuff a chronic problem (I am baffled by this statement) so when we don't agree on what happened I find difficulty in addressing my abusive behaviour because I don't want to apologise for things I don't see as my wrong behaviour, when I see it that it was you in the wrong sometimes.
I have been asking myself the same question all day. I thought I would be happy knowing that you felt some of our problems were your responsibility. You have done that so am I now changing the goalposts? I suppose so. It was fine until Sunday. I think I feel you have only got the right to challenge me on certain aspects as I believe for the majority of our relationship you have used emotional abuse against me, but as Lundy says I can't challenge you on that as I am the main perpetrator. So I feel if you don't look at your side then you cannot judge me about mine. I know this is probably text book abuser mentality, I am not saying it to start another row, I am being truthful to how I feel.I am, once again (tiresomely), astonished. I can't believe that he thinks I have been emotionally abusive for the 'majority of our relationship'. I didn't know that he believed this. It's so wrong, but yet so expected that it makes me feel a mixture of pity and sorrow.
Basically, any normal reactions that were objecting to his poor behaviour he cites as 'abusive' because I was trying to stop him doing what he wanted. Anything I did to challenge his abuse is also considered abusive. I am going to ask him for a list of my abusive traits and incidents to see exactly what is going on in his mind!