Sunday, 6 March 2011

Does he love me?

I have been wondering about this lately. If my dh loves me and wants to get back together as much as he professes then why doesn't he just decide not to be abusive? Why do we have to separate and him go through 7 months of group therapy before he *might* see the light??

This is what Lundy Bancroft has to say:
"The more a man abuses you, the more he is demonstrating that he cares only about himself. He may feel a powerful desire to RECEIVE your love and caretaking, but he only wants to GIVE love when it's convenient.

So is he lying when he says he loves you? No, usually not. Most of my clients do feel a powerful sensation inside that they call love. For many of them it is the only kind of feeling toward a female partner that they have ever had, so they have no way of knowing that it isn't love. When an abusive man feels the powerful stirring inside that other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:

* The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference

* The desire to have sexual access

* The desire to impress others by having you be his partner

* The desire to possess and control you

The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. ... But what could more thoroughly prove that a man did NOT love his partner? ... Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person's self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion."

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I appreciate all your comments, advice and support.