Saturday, 5 February 2011

How my day looks at the moment

I've noticed a general emotional pattern.  I tend to wake up feeling positive and relatively hopeful.  Then around mid-afternoon I start to go downhill.  An overall feeling of sadness and aloneness starts to descend.  It probably peaks very early evening and then by evening I'm feeling somewhere between the two.

I don't know if this relates directly to the fact that I would have always been on my own with the children up til around tea time when dh would come home.  So maybe I'm just missing his company and banter in the teatime-to-bedtime hours.

Then in the evening I am enjoying a bit of me-time when the children wouldn't normally be around anyway, and feel quite cheerful.

This weekend I've been generally down and I think it's because I'm not yet adjusted to not having any/all of the children around at the weekends.  I'm missing them, missing dh, missing weekend family life.

Like everything else it is complex.  I miss them all, but I am enjoying the novelty of some time to myself.  I miss dh but I'm starting to enjoy the freedom from disapproval and low-level anxiety that was a constant feature.  I am happy to be in control of finances and know exactly how much is going in or out, and feeling as though any spending on myself needs to be justified for some reason.... but I'm worried about how I'm going to manage.  Etc etc.

There seems to be no uncomplicated emotional reaction to anything.  Everything seems complex and difficult, and I have conflicting feelings about nearly everything.

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