Thursday, 24 February 2011

What I'm up to right now

So, I have had a really fantastic 8 days.  I've been feeling up-beat and positive.  I've had a couple of times of feeling what I would call 'flat' but have come easily out of it.  The hardest times are when I'm on my own, but there is so much stuff I want to do when I have time to myself that it doesn't last very long.  It's over a month now since we separated. 

I have booked myself onto a course to become a professional face painter!  Yay!  Such a great, flexible job that I can do around the family (and with them if necessary).  And I really enjoy face painting too.  So, in the next two months I'll be fully qualified and ready to paint. 

I've sent in my financial forms and am signed up for my next university courses, both of which I'm excited about (doing them by distance learning so fit round the family too).

All my money and benefits are sorted out now, and it looks like I'll be OK.  No lavish lifestyle, but rent and bills paid and money for a few little extras too.

I have bought a new car!  (well, old car but new to me)  One that will be loads cheaper to run, and is cute too!  I love it :-D

I'm still moving stuff round the house and getting the house how I want it.

I'm enjoying beyond all expectations being free in my own home.  Living without judgement or disapproval.  I am just absolutely loving this.  At no time am I bored of my freedom.  It is joyful.

My husband has attended three sessions now of his abuser group.  I haven't spoken  in depth to him about it, but have a little.  It sounds to me like he is at the moment getting something from it and learning about himself.  Of course it remains to be seen if this continues and if it is long lasting.  But I'm happy for him.

I have come to the realisation that there is no possible way that I can live with my husband again - no matter how much he changes.  I don't think I will ever be able to truly believe that the changes are forever.  I cannot put my children in the position of one of these yo-yo relationships where we 'try again' then separate, then try again, then separate etc etc.  I just won't do that.  That is probably the most harmful of all scenarios.

This realisation is both sad, and freeing.  I almost feel I have become much more objective as a result of this.  I don't feel any pressure, or any wondering about whether or not things are working out, how we are communicating, if there is anything I could or should be doing and on and on and on.

I do occasionally wonder if it would be possible to have a relationship with him where we don't live together.  I used to imagine that the perfect living arrangement would be for us to be next door neighbours.  Close enough to see each other as a family often, but not living together.  As the issue is control and the main driver is jealousy (jealousy of me with other people, me being happy, me being organised, me doing well - just jealousy of everything) I am not sure whether this will ever be desirable or possible.  At the moment I'm just letting go of 'us' so focussing on this isn't really helpful.

All in all, I feel very positive and happy.  I am positive about the future in every way.  About money, my dreams, my lifestyle, my children.  Things are looking good and working out.  If I think about how my life would be right now if he had stayed.... well, it sends a shiver down my spine.  I know I've done the right thing.

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