Hollow

Yesterday I came across a quote. I can't remember it word for word but basically it was along the lines of how you feel hollow after leaving an abusive relationship.

That's a good word to describe how I feel today. Hollow, lonely, really sad.

I do miss A. He has been lots of things, as you may have read. Amongst all the nasty and horrible stuff he has also been my companion and lover. And I miss him. And maybe I shouldn't, but I do. At the moment.

I grieve for the loss of the marriage I hoped we'd one day have, the old age I dreamed of us sharing, the joint chatter about children and family life, the knowledge that someone I loved was with me.

I don't miss the other stuff. Sometimes I feel like my dh is two people, I love one very very much and just long and wish that the other didn't exist. I guess to come to terms with this I have to come to terms with thw fact that they are one and I can't (at the moment) have one without the other. That makes me feel incredibly sad.

"this too shall pass"